5 Ways That Parenting Can Be Triggering.
Plus 5 ways to be more mindful when parenting
If you ask any parent about what was the hardest thing when raising their kids, they will give you pretty much the same responses.
You are so tired that first year
Your patience constantly gets tested
All your money goes to them
Going back to work or on a weekend travel is heartbreaking
Clutter is just your new normal
All very fair responses to one of the hardest chapters of most people's lives. But what people don’t talk about is how triggering parenthood can be. Read on to learn about 5 common triggers client and I work together on and 5 things you can do to support more mindful parenting.
Incompetence.
One of the most common triggers is the feeling of incompetence. This is your first time being a parent (or you second or third time being a parent to 2 or 3 kids). You are no incompetent, instead try to see yourself as new and with new things there is a learning curve. Be easy on yourself. Reading all the books can help but something you just learn by doing.
Acceptance will be your greatest tool here. Accept that you are new to this parenting thing and it is completely normal not to have it all figured out. Lean into those feelings. Lean into the fact that this is all new and when we do new things we often feel incompetent. But remember you are not. You are smart and resourceful. You are doing the best that you can and which is far from being incompetent.
Repeating Unhealthy Patterns
Finding yourself doing what you swore you wouldn't do and now you feel guilt. Maybe you came from an abusive home and you promised yourself you would yell at the kids and you lost it and immediately you are filled with feelings of guilt. You told yourself you would not be like your mom or dad. And here you are. Forgive yourself and do better next time. Breaking generation traumas and unhealthy parenting is tough work. But you’ve got this.
Co-regulation is huge for moments when the kids are screaming and you are on the brink of tears. Stop and sit with your child. Breath. Feel free to put your hand on your chest and on theirs. Maybe put on a square breathing meditation for them and you to follow along. There you go. You met crying with not yelling, you broke that pattern. Not only. Did you take a moment for yourself, but you are reinforcing that in your family we take the time to regulate.
Projection
Seeing your partner in your child. This is big one for me. I myself grew up in a home where I was told “you are just like your father.” And time and time again I work with clients who tell me they heard similar things from their own parents. This causes such deep feelings of shame. We are being told that something about us is unloveable and that this trait, that this perceived peace of you is unwelcome.
Address your unresolved feelings. Instead if you notice a trait in your child that bothers you, make a note that this is something for you to address. Maybe you need to speak with your partner or forgive yourself for a failed marriage. Don’t complicate things for your child, by means of projection.
Feeling Like You Have to be a Super Parent
Not being able to ask for help. Maybe you were able to get along like this in your work or partnership but trying to have it all on your own plate is tough when parenting. Maybe you pride yourself at having it all together or you grew up with a single parent who had to do it all. There is no award for the most tired. Ask for help. Build a network of family and friends, people you can lean on. Children were not meant to be raised by just one person.
Unresolved Trauma
Deep repressed traumas and memories resurface. It is not uncommon for parenting to be trigger because of how our brain drastically changes due to pregnancy and parenthood. Brain scans show that brains change post baby. Baby blues is real.
Self care… and I mean more than just a bath. Don’t suppress whatever may be coming up for you. You are not alone and you deserve to be held as you navigate these complicated thoughts and feelings. Maybe it is time to reach out for professional support, whether it is a parenting group or you choose to seek therapy.
Parenting is tough and it can often be triggering. Triggers can be signals into tender spots that need more attention. You are not the same person you were before your baby came along. You have gone through a major identity shift. Be kind a gentle to yourself. Seek support from groups, friends, family, and therapy. Don’t go it alone.