By the end of this blog you will learn how to set and keep boundaries, mainly how to say no to your family and friends. Setting boundaries is all the rage in mental wellness these days, and for good reason!

Summer is around the corner. Family BBQs and get togethers every weekend? Friends wanting to go out for drinks every Friday night? Sounds wonderful, until you find yourself not feeling 100% about that invite.

This is where boundaries can help!

Setting boundaries with friends and family.

Boundaries help us is so many ways:

Keeps us from doing things we can’t do or don’t want to
Keeps us from using resources, like time and money, that we may not have
Helps us be true to our values
And most importantly, helps us have healthier relationships

Let’s dive into these concepts a bit more.

Boundaries keep us from doing things we can’t do or don’t want to.

Something I have been meditating a lot on lately is 100% f**** energy. If I do not want to do something with 100% f**** energy or find myself hesitating, maybe that is a sign I should just say no. We live in a society where people are groomed into doing, doing, doing. Being a “Of course” “Not a problem” type of culture. No wonder the “Great Resignation” seems to never end. There are only so many hours in the day, and so many days in the year. If you don’t want to go out with work friends to a bar you don’t even like, then don’t. If you have to choose between 2 activities on Saturday, choose the one that brings you the most joy.

Boundaries keep us from using resources, like time and money, that we may not have.

This one right here is a tough one for so many, including myself! We only have so much time and money. And if we want to be really serious, you can always make more money but it will probably cost you time. And we definitely cannot get more time. Even if you get invited to something you really wanted to go to, I ask that you pause and think. Ask yourself: can my time and money budget afford this? If the answer is no, then well your answer is no. Once we start being more aware of this, we will be able to practice better money and time habits. Remember you are not a bad person for saying no.

Helps us be true to our values.

One of my favorite parts about therapy, is helping people learn about their values. It serves as a test, where we listen to our negative emotions and then see if it is a result of not honoring our values. Think about the last time you were annoyed when, let's say, your friends wanted to go out for drinks…again. You know that your bank account will not be happy with you the next morning and you know that your body just doesn’t recover like it used to. But you say yes. Then you find yourself sighing with relief when plans get canceled or worse you are really contemplating coming up with a last minute excuse. Guess what, saying no from the beginning would have saved you all the anxiety and stress. Plus it is the more respectful thing to do. Lean into feelings as they arise. They are there for a reason.

Boundaries help us have healthier relationships.

But maybe you are asking, how does having better boundaries help when I am saying no to the people I care and love the most? You are not saying no to them. You love them. You are only saying no to the activity. Remember how I said, to listen to your gut? Maybe it is an activity you don’t want to do or for the matter can’t. We only have so much time and money. And when we say yes to something, we are saying no to something else.

we say yes to something, we are saying no to something else.

What keeps people from making boundaries and keeping them?

Guilt for hurting other people's feelings
Worry about what others think or will say
Fear of missing out

Here is a basic equation for boundaries:

Do you want to go? + Do you have the resources to go?

Remember, you love your family and friends. Saying no, does not change that.

How to Set Boundaries with Family and Friends.