The anxiety spirals, the feelings of what am I doing with my life, yeah I feel you.

So what exactly is a “quarter-life crisis.” Do you feel like you have no idea who you are, where you are going, and how to get there? Welcome, my friend to the quarter life crisis. It is basically a midlife crisis but way sooner. Think anywhere between early 20s to late 30s. That tends to be the sweet spot for a quarter life crisis, from what I haven noticed in my private therapy practice. We will go over reasons I think can contribute to a quarterlife crisis, plus self care to help you cope with a quarterlife crisis.
I work with people all over San Diego (all of California really) and in Phoenix (all of Arizona- thanks to telehealth) where I hear clients sharing what sounds like a mid life crisis but they are nowhere near being midlife. So what gives?
Three reasons I think people people are experiencing “quarter-life crisis.”
One. People are asking themselves the tough questions earlier.
Two. People aren’t really living their life, they are living out what they were told to do.
Three. People are more isolated and cut off socially than they have ever been in human history.
Keep reading and I will unpack this a bit more.

Three reasons I think people people are experiencing mid life crisis:

One. People are asking themselves the tough questions earlier.

Is this job really what I want to do?
Is there something I have to do before I die?
Is this really who I want to be?

These types of questions are super common for midlife and older folks because as we age we naturally start to reflect on our lives. It can cause some anxiety (sometimes a lot) and hope can help us create a life more aligned with our values. However I am noticing this trend where people are asking themselves these hard questions soon. It could be related to going throw the Covid-19 pandemic, the struggles with the economy, and overall more awareness about mental health.

I am glad people are asking themselves these hard questions, The discomfort can help us pay attention to areas where we need to make changes.

Build better friendships
Get a job that is more full filling
Build our life around the things that we actually enjoy

Two. People aren’t really living their life, they are living out what they were told to do.

Many people went into college, careers, and relationships because that was what we were told to do. If you do this, this, and this, you will be set. Unfortunately the many millennials and younger folks cannot afford to have the “American Dream” because it is too expensive. Despite having professional careers, with dual income, many people are putting off kids, putting off buying a home, and putting off or even giving up or changing their minds on what they thought their life would look like.

Not being able to live the life you thought you would be able to live can cause a person to question their identity and everything around them. Lots of late nights, anxiety spirals, and plenty of intrusive thoughts can really create the perfect conditions for a mid life crisis but at a fraction of the age. A quarter life crisis is really our brains trying to grief and process a reality that did not or does not exist. It can feel like the opposite of grounded-ness. Humans like to have some stability and some sense of direction, it is what can help us feel like life has meaning and helps us form deeper connections with those around us.

One of my areas of focus is working with BIPOC folk, particularly first and second gens in San Diego (all of California really) and in Phoenix (all of Arizona- thanks to telehealth). Coming to the states and working hard to make the sacrifice your parents had to endure is a burden many people feel. Being the adult child of an immigrant with unhealed traumas can show up in a pretty interesting way as an adult. This can cause lots of stress, worry, and anxiety when a person feels like they are not able to live their life. This is something that I work with people, where we work to find solutions where they can feel like they are living their live with letting guilt guide their choices.

Three. People are more isolated and cut off socially than they have ever been in human history.

We are social creatures, yet so many of us report being lonely, which can have tremendous impacts on our mental health, physical health, and spiritual health. Many people work very long hours, and at the end of the day have zero energy to engage with other humans. This in turn ends up having a huge impact on our health and happiness.
When we constantly live for the future and don’t slow down to realize life is right now, we end up feeling empty and like a machine. We grind away at work and forget to nurture our relationships and build a life.

So what can you do to cope with a “quarter-life crisis”?

Get serious about your self care.

Good self care nurtures you. It is not just about taking a bath or getting your favorite latte from your local coffee shop. Good self care feeds into your mental, emotional, and spiritual cup.
Ideas for therapist approved self care
Walks
Setting aside free time where you can do whatever you want
Art & Music
Connecting with drama free friends
Listening to the wind or water

Practice gratitude daily.

Challenge yourself to find at least one thing a day that you are grateful for. This can be done in your notes on your phone, at the end of your journal entry, as part of a mantra before your exercise. I tell my therapy clients that the adaptive side of our brains or the positive side of our brains is like a muscle that we have to train to be stronger. We really want balance in life when it comes to looking at our day, we want to work on not jumping to the negative and allowing that inner self critic to run wild.

Focus on solutions not the problems.

There are a whole lot of things in life that we have little to no control over. It can do us some good to focus on the things that we do have control over and to focus on the solutions.

If you're lonely, don’t spend so much time thinking about how you ended up there and how no one likes you, and how fake people are. Instead acknowledge that you are lonely and want to make deeper connections. You will be sending energy into the areas in which you would like to see change instead of the areas that continue to cause you pain.
If you want to get along better with your family or have a better marriage, then focus on what needs to happen to get there. Maybe tough conversations, boundaries, and increasing joy. We will only get so far in life if we only focus on what is not going well.

Practice acceptance and identify what you can control.

Again, there is so much that we cannot change in life. It is important to accept and direct energy towards what can help.
If you are annoyed with current social and political issues, then vote, protest, get involved.
If you are frustrated with your work, then talk with your boss, speak with HR, figure out if there is a way to make changes.
Stop trying to control other people. Let them be them, accept them for them, and focus your time elsewhere. Misery loves company. Surround yourself with what you deserve.
Fill your time connecting with those who are truly good for your mental health and your emotional spirit.

Consider speaking with a professional.

If you are struggling with feelings of your life not being where you want it to be, or struggling with deep questions about your existence, please reach out for help. This can look like a support group, working one on one with a therapist, or your doctor. You do not have to hold on to this all on your own.
Therapy can help you unpack messages, throw out what doesn’t work, heal traumas, and work on creating a life worth living.

Having a quarter life crisis does not mean that you are weak, and does not mean that you are messing up in life. It is important to have self compassion. A therapist can help you build up self compassion and help you figure out how to reach your goals.

With Warmth,

Elisa