5 ways your relationship with your parents can impact your marriage.
Make it stand out
The first relationship we form is with our parents, it is the ground stage where our foundations are laid (I will use the term “parents” but this is true of whoever was your main caregiver”). If we come from chaotic or dysfunctional families, it can be difficult to have a happy, healthy marriage in your adulthood. It is not your fault, you were not taught any better. Keep on reading to learn about 5 ways our parents teach us how to be in healthy, secure relationships.
One. Our parents teach us how to love and we learn how to receive love.
“What is love? Baby don’t hurt me no more” now that song by Haddaway will be in my head all week.
Our parents teach us what it means to be loved and how to show love. Many of us don’t come from the picture perfect family where our parents stay together forever and seem to always support one another no matter how tough things might get. You know that family that sits down and has conversations, owns up to mistakes, yeah that is something that is not super common, and I hope things continue to shift.
For instance if someone's parents get divorced, it is not uncommon that the parent will have hurt feelings that eventually become phrases that are on repeat. “You can’t rely on anyone, not even your spouse” or “People will just use you, make you think they love you, but they will lie, cheat, and leave.” Phrases like these can end up becoming the blueprint for a child’s future romantic relationships. This now adult child may struggle with commitment or unconsciously seek unavailable partners, why? A survival strategy. I will never let someone get close to me, they leave and I don’t want to risk it, to feel that pain.
It is not uncommon for people to come from homes where parents will use guilt tripping to help keep kids in line or they unintentionally try to get emotional needs met from their children instead of the other adults in their lives. For example, “you hurt mommy’s heart when you say things like that” or “you make daddy angry and that is why he yells.”
Phrases like this can teach kids that they are responsible for the feelings and emotions of others. Something that can absolutely lead to feeling anxious. This anxiety can follow people into present day relationships and now you have someone who struggles with boundaries or feels like they are a chronic people pleaser. This can make it very difficult to achieve a secure relationship with a partner.
Two. Your parents are your first teachers into how to handle big emotions.
A child will watch and learn from their parents, they can’t help it. Children's brains are meant to learn from observing their parents. That is why it is so important that parents practice what they preach. The technical term for this is modeling. Modeling helps set up our kids for success, especially when it comes to teaching them how to handle big emotions.
I know I will always remember the times that my own family parties got “out of hand” and I would watch the grown ups have big feelings and not be able to manage them in a healthy way. Unfortunately this is all too common. People will have big feelings from time to time, that’s a given, we are only human after all. But chronic displays of an adult not managing big feelings like anger and sadness in a healthy way, will translate into children not being able to do the same. Then as adults when they form partnerships and the relationship gets tough, boom, big feelings and no skills on how to manage them. Not having a healthy example of a parent who can manage big emotions can definitely impact the stability of a relationship.
Three. You learn about how to repair after conflict from your parents.
Conflicts happen. They are inevitable. In a healthy secure relationship a conflict does not mean the love is gone or taken away. The love is still there as the couple works through the issue. We learn how to repair conflict from our parents and families. When someone is “bad” are they ignored, blamed? Or are there conversions where multiple perspectives can be help and it is shown that we can figure it out together.
If you came from a home where grudges were held for days on edge, topics were dropped and never picked up again, or you just learned the perfect way to avoid a conflict, odds are you might have some struggles in your current relationship with your partner. Often people will tell me that their communication is what brings them into therapy, and I know that that communication was learned from somewhere. Our childhoods, a past failed romantic relationship- somewhere we picked up the ways of how to turn any mild conflict into a huge mess leaving everyone involved hurt.
Repair after the conflict is an opportunity to gain more understanding and deepen the bond between you and your loved one. Sometimes a quick “I am sorry” and sweeping it under the rug is not enough. Many people come from homes where true apology was not modeled. Instead people either rage or go silent. And this is where rifts in relationships grow.
Four. You learn about gender roles and how to navigate house work from your Parents.
Our parents' relationship will teach us about gender roles and how to navigate home life. I cannot count the number of times I have had people tell me about the arguments that come from not feeling like there is fairness in their marriage. Then once we start exploring our family of origin relationships, it all makes sense. Our parents often did not show us how to be in a fair relationship, let alone have a conversation about this. Our parents show us what it is to be a woman or a man, and the expectations that go along with the title. Things can get even more complicated in non traditional relationships. Conversations with curiosity can help support change.
Women are nurturing, men are fun, men work outside in the yard, women cook and clean. Are just some of the most common stereotypes. This way of viewing gender roles can lead to anxiety in our own relationships that we form one day. We start feeling irritated that our partner doesn’t do enough or we get upset that we are always the one who has to discipline. A conversation of who does what in the home can go a long way in creating more fairness in a relationship.
Roles have to be discussed, and a conversation about who does what is so important to be had. Think about how often we huff and puff in silence hoping our partner catches the hint. Many of us continue to carry on archiatic notions of what a man does, a woman does, or what a person who works outside of the home does and does not do. Even if a person is a stay at home parent, they need to feel like things are fair and should feel comfortable having a conversation with their partner, both partners should feel safe to do so.
Five. You learn about communication from you parents.
If you haven’t noticed by now, the other four tips definitely have a theme going, communication. Communication is key to any healthy and secure relationship. We learn about communication from our parents. Day to day small talk, to big sit down talks. Our parents teach us what communication looks like and how to keep a connection with one another.
Many of us grow up and realize that we don’t have very good communication skills. It isn’t your fault. Many of us came from homes where we were told to be seen and not heard. Or any disagreement that we had with a parent was quickly shut down instead of explored with curiosity and love. Something I often explore with people in therapy is that emotional connection that they have with their own parents and how to nurture it.
As an adult it will take time to unlearn and relearn these mental blocks. It will take time to not tune out your partner when you don’t agree with what they say. Be patient with yourself, because building a loving, secure relationship does not happen overnight. I hope you found this post to be helpful and that you forth and be kind to yourself as you navigate relationships as an adult.