Trust gets broken all the time in relationships, it is a very common experience in relationships. I see this as the number one reason that people seek out couples therapy in the first place. Navigating the complex emotions that come from this can be overwhelming and you do not have to do this on your own.

I know how much it hurts. My partner has broken my trust and so have I, and I can say we are stronger than ever in the 10 years we have been together. I say this because it is very common, and a lot of people don’t like to talk about it. It is something that people are often embarrassed about and feel deep shame about. Having a relationship injury does not mean that your relationship is over, you can work through it. And it is important to know that couples therapy can help you because it is hard to do this on your own without support.

Support can be lots of things, connecting with your spiritual community, reading a couple's book together ( I can give you recommendations!), and connecting with trusted friends and family members. Support is not just going to couples therapy, but please know that there is help for when you are hurting the most.

How do you repair trust that has been broken?

There are three basic steps to repair relationships after trust has been broken due to various things like betrayal, gambling, or lying.

Take responsibility for the role you played
Empathize: listen to your partner's perspective and accept their feelings
Envision and work towards your new relationship together

Seven examples of things that can break trust in a relationship

Trust is not just broken because of cheating, there are lots of other things that can really hurt a person and break their trust in their partner.

Emotional cheating
Physically cheating
Spending or hiding large amounts of money
Speaking badly about your partner
Not defending your partner if someone else speaks badly, is common with in-laws and friends
Breaking established boundaries
Crossing boundaries that were not explicitly talked about

Here are some helpful tips to help you rebuild trust in your relationship after infidelity, lying, or cheating.

Giving the most generous interpretation will help you be more compassionate.

Once your partner apologizes for how they have hurt you, it is not uncommon that little things might trigger you in the relationship. By practicing the “most generous interpretation” you can work on feeling more trust for your partner. For example, if your partner is late from work, instead of allowing you mind to go straight to “oh, he must be cheating on me again!” You can practice the “most generous interpretation.” Maybe your partner got a flat tire, maybe they went by the start to pick up dinner, or maybe their text that said they were catching up with their sibling for dinner didn’t come in, even though it was sent at noon. It happens.

Once you are able to practice thinking the “most generous interpretation” you will be able to reach out to your partner in a calmer way where you are not getting ready to attack or come off accusatory. Also, you can then problem-solve as necessary, like having them text you that they are running to store on the way home, that way you aren’t there thinking the worst.

Getting to the real root of the issues can help you repair trust in your relationship.

Sometimes recovering from an emotional injury can be complicated because there are deeper things in one or both partners that got activated from this trust violation. It could be deep beliefs about being abandoned, maybe they were cheated on before by another partner, or maybe this reminds them of their parent's divorce.

It is worth exploring this in couples therapy with a therapist who can support you in exploring real root issues and deeper issues that might be getting in the way of moving forward with the relationship.

Inner child wounds get activated in your relationship and this might be something that individual therapy might be able to help you out with. I am a big fan of having couples in couples therapy and also working on their own with an individual therapist. This will often result in more effective and longer-lasting results. We can’t expect a quick fix when it comes to repairing relationships that are struggling with trust issues.

Attachment issues can lead to continuous conflict. Anxious Partners tend to partner up with Avoidant Partners. It is what feels the best because it is familiar, but this is something that needs to be addressed in couples therapy as it is not healthy for partners and often leads to conflict. Working with an Emotional Focused Couples therapist can support you in figuring out your “relationship dance” and help you in repairing conflict in a more healthy way where both of you are able to get your needs to be met without hurting one another with dysfunctional communication. Couples therapist in Fresno, Ca can help you with your relationship.

If this is something that is sparking your curiosity, I would highly suggest you pick up the book “Hold Me Tight” by Sue Johnson. This is phenomenal deep dive into how attachment plays such a crucial role in our relationships, and not just romantic ones!

Letting go of anger is important for repairing trust in a relationship.

Letting go of the anger is hard and this is where the work often begins. Often what I as a Latina Couples Therapist, see is that extreme anger gets in the way of rebuilding trust. It is important to address the anger and work on relaxing the anger. The anger a person feels is often a secondary emotion to deeper, vulnerable emotions like fear, sadness, and embarrassment. It might be worth really connecting with this anger, so that it be let go, freeing up energy for you to use differently.

It is that you accept that you could get hurt again AND that you will be okay.

Trust is a funny thing, where we cannot really expect someone else to make us trust them. Instead, we are working on ourselves to be able to trust again. But this is soooo hard. Being able to trust again also means that we have to accept that we can be hurt again. Therefore it is important to know and practice telling yourself that it is scary to trust again AND that you will be okay if your trust is broken again.

Having anxiety about whether your partner will hurt you again, is worrying about a future reality that might not even happen. Instead, I encourage you to let that be a future you problem. You might be in that position where your trust was broken, but that is a future you problem to solve. You cannot solve those problems in the present because it might not happen, it will get in the way of trusting your partner, and it will waste a lot of emotional energy.

Knowing the difference between rumination and reflection

Thinking about the pain and the experience is important. It is something that gave you information about yourself, the relationship, your partner, and so on. For lack of better words, it was a teaching experience or growth opportunity. However, we do not want to get stuck in thinking about the past. That is the difference between rumination and reflection.

Rumination is an unhealthy behavior, an anxious response to the trauma that you experienced from having your trust broken Reflection is a healthy experience, where you and your partner can overcome this together, grow from this, and create a new relationship together.

After trust has been broken, you are creating a NEW relationship with your partner.

Once trust has been broken, the old relationship cannot exist anymore. Communication skills have to be improved upon, deeper vulnerability needs to be worked on, and boundaries have to be discussed and kept. It is important to think about how your relationship is new going forward because that is the only real way that this is going to work. The very foundation of your relationship needs to be rebuilt, therefore it is a new relationship. Just like a new house after a terrible termite infestation.

How long does it take to rebuild trust after a betrayal?

Trust can be repaired in a matter of weeks to a matter of years. It really depends on the people that make up the relationship. The extent of the betrayals and emotional relationship injuries can also impact the length of time it takes to rebuild trust.

On average, in couples therapy, I see trust issues improve greatly around the 6-month mark of the couple being in therapy. By six months of couples' work in therapy, the couple has already owned their role, the partner who engaged in hurtful behavior has apologized and that apology has finally been felt. Plus after about six months of couples therapy, there has been a lot of work on exploring their friendship, and their foundation in the relationship, so that they can begin the work towards being a healthier, stronger relationship with one another. Here is a blog where I talk more about how to know when it is time to go to couples therapy. This can help you decide if it is time to see a couples therapist in Fresno, Ca.

Every couple is different. I have with couples where there are deep trauma histories for both partners and this often means that deeper, slower work needs to be done in order to heal the relationship and rebuild trust in the relationship.

Will my trust issues ever go away?

It is very possible to have trust issues go away, but it requires work to get there. This can be done in individual therapy work, especially if this is something that you feel triggers deep negative core feelings, thoughts, and sensations. This can also be done in couples therapy, especially if the goal is to understand one another better and gain awareness about yourselves as part of this relationship.

Remember, trust is not something that can be repaired overnight. It takes time and this is often the most uncomfortable part of healing. This will be a part of your relationship history together. It is going to take time to work through the pain and rebuild your love for one another.

With Warmth,

Elisa Blair