Yes, having better communication with you partner is possible!

Working with an EFT couples therapist in San Diego can help you learn the skills you need to have the relationship you both deserve. What is EFT couples therapy?

Communication issues are the number one thing that brings couples into couples therapy

Nearly everyone who calls me for asking about starting couples therapy in San Diego, says that they want communication to be better. They share that they fight a lot and that things never get solved. Working with couples nearly every day for the last 8 years, I have learned a lot about what helps couples communicate better. As a trained emotionally focused therapist (EFT Couples Therapist), here are some suggestions on how to have better communication with your partner.

Get clear about what your topic is, and keep it simple.

Often, people get overwhelmed and also overwhelm their partners because they talk about too many big things or stressful things all at once. Slow down and pick one thing at a time to talk about. If you come into a conversation with a lot of anxiety because you want to talk about all the things that are going wrong all at the same time, then you are setting yourself up for disaster.

Ask yourself what kind of conversation are you having with your partner?

Most conversations can be simplified into two main types of conversations. Exploring conversations, where you are talking about ideas, thoughts, and your own stressors. Sometimes this is just a vent sesh with your partner, which is 100% okay. These exploring type conversations are healthy for relationships because it gives you a chance to share your inner world with your partner. The second type of conversation is a problem solving or planning conversation. Consider asking yourself, is this a venting conversation where you just need someone to listen about how shitty your boss is? Or is this a problem-solving conversation, where you need help making a career change?

Fights sometimes happen, because people are not getting what they want from a conversation. Remember, most of the time your partner does not need you to fix their problems, they just need you to listen. Or perhaps you are the one who is tired of your partner trying to fix the issue when all you really need is for someone to listen and be there for you while you process the messiness of being a human being on this planet.

Get clear about what makes you defensive in a conversation.

Often heavy conversations become heated fights because we are not in touch with when we go from listening to being defensive. This is the number one thing I help people learn and overcome in my San Diego Couples Therapy Practice. As a marriage counselor, I really enjoy being able to support couples in notice when the “switch” happens in their talks. How did they go from being slightly uncomfortable to shouting or tears (often both). I promise you that this is something that can be worked on. We all have our soft spots and with some work you can get better at identifying them and catching them in the moment.

People often get defensive with their partners because they don’t feel heard, they feel disconnected, and they feel alone. But it is really hard to put that into words when you are in the middle of a fight. Often there are feelings of disrespect, anger, and being attacked. That’s why couples therapy with an emotionally focused therapist can help you find the tools you need to be able to communicate better with your partner.

How EFT in San Diego can help you communicate better in your relationship?

Emotionally couples therapy helps couples learn their “dysfunctional dance” so that they can stop having the same kind of fights they always have. The ones that go till 2am in the morning and end in anger, tears, and shutting down. As a couples therapist in San Diego, I help couples overcome that. Some of my specialty areas are BIPOC, intercultural couples, and young parents. You don’t have to do this alone. Things can get better.

With Warmth,

Elisa Blair