Your one-stop guide to drama-free relationships.

I wanted to take the time to share some of my favorite things that I have learned from research, my private therapy practice for couples, and my personal life experience when it comes to creating drama-free relationships. This will apply to romantic partnerships and marriages, family relationships, and friendships. Good relations don’t just happen, they are created and maintained. But just how do you create drama-free relationships, where you aren’t fighting all the time, and where you feel understood? Keep reading to find out!

What is a dramatic or toxic relationship?

As the name suggests, a dramatic or toxic relationship is one where you feel like you are playing games, constantly arguing, and feel drained.

How do I know if I am in a toxic relationships?

You feel tenses around this person
You feel like you are walking on eggshells
You feel like you are overreacting
You feel like you are going crazy
You feel like nothing you say ever goes well and always ends up in a fight
Fights with this person go in circles and never come to a solution or compromise
You feel misunderstood
You feel irritable, annoyed, and sad- lots of mixed feelings!

This is by no means an extensive list of signs that you are in a toxic relationship, but if you check off some of these areas it might be a good thing to reflect on this relationship. Ask yourself if this is an honest and beautiful relationship, if not, what would an honest and beautiful relationship look like?

Relationship issues can make us feel like we are going crazy, cause us to feel anxious, and send us into depressive moods. That is why it is important to seek out therapy for relationship support, read books, and work on yourself so that you can finally create a life where relationships are not that hard. Yes, relationships take work, but healthy relationships are not constant drama. Life can and should be less of a headache.

Three simple steps to a more healthy, drama-free, toxic-free relationship.

For a drama-free relationship focus more on you and less on them.

The most important step is focusing on yourself. I see this a lot in my Fresno Couples Therapy practice. People come in and they spend a good amount of time complaining about other people. Eventually once a person has vented we actually start to focus on what is within their control. Easier said than done, as people tend to get defensive when something might threaten their ego. Totally normal. With practice and good therapy, you can reduce this knee-jerk reaction. Remember you are a good person, human, and beautifully flawed. By shifting how you think and focusing on yourself, you will be 100% more effective than trying to change or control other people.

For a drama-free relationship be clear about your needs.

In a toxic relationship or in a relationship with tons of drama, games are often played. Communication is not clear and effective. Instead in a toxic relationship, communication is often passive, aggressive, and often a combination of the two. So if you want to create more drama-free relationships in your life, state your needs with clarity. Remember your job is not to keep other people comfortable. If you struggle with people-pleasing, working on your inner child in therapy might be a good option.

Being clear about your needs is perfect for weeding out people who do not belong in your inner circle. People who are easily offended, hurt, or defensive are going to create more drama than it is worth. When we think of attachment theory, we know we need to create secure relationships. Secure people or people who do not have an anxious or avoidant attachment style are more likely to be productive with conflict. When they hear your needs they can handle it. They don’t take it personally. It might be hard to hear because conflict is rarely a walk in the park. But people with a secure relationship attachment style are grateful for the information, that way they can work on the relationship with you.

For a drama-free relationship let things be and don’t force relationships.

This one is often a hard one for people who are anxious. It often takes a lot of inner healing to truly let things be and not take them personally. If someone is not texting you back, has been less involved, or doesn’t really seem interested when you are hanging out, it has nothing to do with you. If you have put in effort and the other person is not, then that is on them. AND this is not to say that the other person is a bad person. Maybe they are really busy, going through something huge in their life, or yeah maybe they just don’t click with your personality. No of that is a bad thing, it just is.

Repeat after me, let it be, it is not about me, I am good.

Why do I always feel like I am not good enough? Why am I always in my head?

If you have struggled with feeling not good enough or perfectionistic thoughts, it often makes you try even harder in your relationships and often those relationships leave you feeling underappreciated. Take that wisdom and find other relationships where it isn’t that hard to be in a relationship. Remember relationships do take work, but they aren’t that hard.

Why do I find myself in bad relationships?

I say the following with love. You are what you attach, so work on attracting the right people.

If you are reading this or have been reading up all you can about attachment theory, attachment wounds, or how to have a secure attachment style, I am so proud of you for working on yourself. Getting here is not easy. Lots of people live their lives in a fog and are miserable. But you woke up and are here to do the work of creating a life that feels good. Okay, Elisa, I have attachment issues, now what? Aside from therapy with someone who specializes in relationship issues and childhood trauma (more on this in a bit) there is something you can do right now to start healing; one of the best ways to heal attachment wounds is to put yourself in good relationships, lots of them.

By working on your self-love and self-compassion, you will be able to dramatically shift your relationships. I swear it is like magic, but it really is science. The research shows that people in secure relationships with themselves surround themselves with other secure people. Like minds attract.

How does my childhood trauma play into my relationship attachment style?

According to attachment theory and research, our earliest relationships shape how we do relationships for the rest of our lives. If your caregivers were cold and aloof, or anxious and overbearing, or harsh and mean, odds are this impacted your internal working system on how to have relationships. But there is good news, science also shows that your brain can change. You are not doomed to be anxious or avoidant forever. Therapy can help. Being in secure relationships can help. Working on yourself will help you create the life that you want.

When looking for therapy to heal childhood trauma and deeper inner child wounds, I highly suggest you work with a therapist trained in trauma and deeper therapies that are somatic based. Great therapies included EMDR therapy and IFS therapy. Both are therapies that I am trained in and I have colleagues trianned in others. The point is to make sure you are working with a skilled therapies to help you navigate these deeper issues.

Fresno Couples Therapy for Inner Child and Attachment Issues.

I specialize in working with couples who are struggling with their relationships. I further specialize with couples who have had trauma in their background, who are in interracial partnerships, or who have had vastly different upbringings. These are issues that often lead couples into messy arguments and I offer real tools to help you increase your awareness, improve your communication, and create a relationship that feels good.

I work only online in California and Arizona, making therapy convenient and comfortable for couples to have therapy right from their own living rooms. For individuals I work with I focus on healing your inner child, that way you can increase self-compassion and love to be able to move through life with more confidence. Deeper, body-based therapies like EMDR Therapy, which is somatic therapy, can really help get to the deeper parts of the brain, the subconscious, to really have the change you want. Logic can only get us so far, that is where EMDR helps people really make lasting change. Reach out to learn more.

With Warmth,

Elisa Blair