How to talk about finances with your partner.
As a couples therapist one of the most common stressors in a relationship is finances. People who come into my counseling practice report this as a high area of concern, something they are eager to learn how to communicate better, with more kindness and intention. Keep reading to learn about how money can be stressful, where this comes from, and how to talk to your partner about money.
Finances, sex, religion, politics, in-laws, and over all values tend to be the big areas of stress for most couples. It makes sense, these are all complex and they can really stir up emotions. Finance and money are something that is unavoidable for people to talk about. So many aspects of our lives are connected to finances and finances can bring up the most uncomfortable feelings for people. Just as a disclosure, I am not a finance person, nor am I an expert in finances. I highly encourage people to consult with a financial expert. The purpose of this post is to talk about the emotional and behavioral impact money can have on a couple.
As a couples or marriage therapist, money is often something that is a tension spot for the couples that I work with. And this tension spot can look like so many different things. For example if one person is the breadwinner and the other person is not, particularly if they are male, this can create a lot of deep emotions about being the provider for the family and this all ties into a feeling of worth. Another example I see a lot of is not agreeing on one another’s spending habits. Sometimes the person who is deemed to be the over-spending will hide from their partner their shopping adventures, causing another layer of issues to be worked out in couples counseling.
It is so important that when we talk with our partners about money, that we remember that it is not a me and against you thing. It is us against the stress that money is causing us. Notice how I did not say that it is us against money itself. Money is not bad. Money is not good. Money is money. It is both our past experiences and current experiences with money that cause us to have either a “good” or “bad” relationship with money. And our relationship with money can definitely move from a place of extreme fear and anger, to a place where it can feel good and not cause heated conversation with my partner.
My first question I ask my couples who are coming to marriage or couples counseling that are struggling with feelings around money is how do they go about navigating a budget? More often than not there is no real budget, something that is far too common. Even for people I work with individually. We often explore what gets in the way of a budget. Time and not knowing are common “excuses” but when we get down into the conversation, it more often connects with fear. People often do not realize just how much fear they have around finances and money. No wonder it is a tension spot for people and couples.
So where does the fear come from? More often than not people's fears about money start way back from their family of origin. In couples therapy we will often explore where the fear of money comes from. These are truly beautiful but difficult conversations to have with your partner. I feel like a person's financial history is a crucial part of building a good love map. A good love map helps a person navigate conversations with their partner and helps a person understand their partner on a deeper level. If someone learns that their family lived paycheck, all of a sudden it makes sense why spending is something that they are deeply uncomfortable with. It makes sense why they get upset when their partner spends money on lunch, even if it is rare, when there is food at home.
Having conversations about money with your partner can be stressful but can also bring you closer together. Learning about how your partner's childhood home was lost during the recession or how they had to start working at a very young age to help pay for food can completely change how you see the “problems” that you are having. Conversations like this make space to be curious and compassionate with our partners. It helps us be more on the same page and more on their team, instead of against them.
Okay so we have covered how money can be stressful to talk about with your partner and we have also talked about where the stress might be coming from. Something we discuss in marriage or relationship counseling is how to actually have the money talk. Now we can focus on how to actually have a conversation with your partner on money. Here are three tips for discussing money with your partner.
3 tips on how to have successful money conversations with your partner.
Stay curious
Have a budget and monthly money check-in
Do you own money mindset work
1.Stay curious. I firmly believe that it is hard to be truly mad at your partner if you try to remain curious. I often work with couples in therapy on how to remain in a curious mind with when navigating a difficult conversation. And talking about money with your partner can be one of the most difficult of conversations to have with your partner.
2.Make a budget and have monthly money check-ins. It might bring you discomfort in the beginning to create a budget, but with time it will get easier. I have supported so many people in creating a budget by helping them cope with the stress it brings. Always consult with a finance person. I find that having knowledge on finances helps with feeling more comfortable. Sitting down monthly with your partner to discuss finances is important. Some couples benefit from doing this weekly while others can get away with doing this quarterly. Again with time these meetings will feel less stressful and will feel more routine. This is a check in where blame is not thrown, but instead to work together to accomplish financial goals that you have both created.
3. My third tip when it comes to talking about finances with your partner is to do your own money work in therapy. Often people have money mindset blocks and deep uncomfortable feelings surrounding money. Many people come from homes where money was not talked about and if it was it was a point of tension. This is stuff that you can unpack and work through in therapy. By working through money issues in therapy you can support a healthier more secure relationship with money. We all have a relationship with money, and sometimes those relationships need some serious support to create a healthier, more secure relationship with money. When we feel secure in our relationship with money, conversation with our partner will become less triggering, less activating.
Hopefully you found this blog to be helpful as you begin to navigate how to improve your relationship with money and how you begin to have healthy and conscious conversations about money with your partner.
If you would like to learn more about the in and outs about money mindset and have thought about whether a finance coach might be what you need, I would highly recommend you check out Hanna J Morrell!