Parenting your parents as a kid.
Does this sound familiar?
“I had to parent my parent as a kid because my mom was an alcoholic.”
“I had to parent my dad because he was depressed.”
“My dad left us when we were little and I had to become the man of the house.”
Taking on adult responsibilities as a child.
Oftentimes people struggle with wounds they acquired in childhood due to dynamics where they found themselves struggling with how to make dinner, juggle school, and raise their younger siblings. They then often grow up to be anxious or depressed adults who struggle with boundaries and putting themselves first.
“I had to parent my parent my mom as kid because my mom was an alcoholic.”
“I had to parent my dad because he was depressed.”
“My dad left us when we were little and I had to become the man of the house.”
Maybe this feels familiar, and if so you are not alone. This is such a common thread in society and oftentimes people feel like other’s don’t get it because they had 2 functioning adults who loved each other and had an understanding that the kids job is to be a kid. Oftentimes growing up in households where we are expected or pressured into assuming more responsibility that we developmentally should, leads to the development of mental health issues and interpersonal struggles not only as kids but as adults.
What is parentification?
Parentification is where a child assumes the role of a parent role in a family. Often this looks like taking care of the parent by means of providing emotional support and sometimes even financial support. This can also look like a child, often the eldest, caring for the rest of siblings, essentially being a second parent.
Why people don't realize they were parentified until they are adults?
Often people don’t realize what happened to them was a great amount of stress that no 8, 12, or 15 year old should have to bear. Kids are innocent and do the best that they can with the skills that they have. If mommy is sick and wont get out of bed, it is only natural for the child to assume the role of caretaker, who else is going to make dinner? I often see people in my practice exploring the aftermath about how they were parents way before it was their time to do so, way before they had gone through the developmental stages needed to be able to raise another person, whether it’s a parent or their siblings.
Often times it takes time and a lot of process work to identify what was “normal sibling behavior” and what was “parentification.” It is often hurtful and grief is common. It is a process to come to terms with what you went through as a child.
What are some common relationship issues that people struggle with if they were parentified?
People pleasing behavior.
A person who was parentified as a child will often struggle with pleasing people as an adult. A people pleaser is someone who struggles with saying no to others as a fear response. They are often afraid of losing connection if they hold their ground. This is something that often has its roots in childhood. Often kids are guilt tripped into doing things for their parents because if they don't, then they don’t love mom or dad. If they don’t comply they fear hurting others and the possibility of social rejection. It is easy to see how this could lead to people pleasing behavior with romantic partners, friends, and in the workplace.
Separating from their parents and having a strong sense of identity.
Figuring out who you are is all about what the teen years and early adulthood is all about, but this can only happen if we were able to move through other developmental milestones. An easy way to think about this, an oversimplified way is this:
You are born and you are essential one with your parent
You are a rambunctious toddler testing out the world
You are a school age kid learning how to make friends
You are a teen and want to feel unique and stand out from the crowd
You are a young adult and are ready to take on the world
Now if a person finds themselves thrown into being a parent-like figure at a stage where lets say their main focus should be crushes and the coolest music, things can definitely hinder healthy separation from your parents. Your main identity becomes who you are as a parentified child, raising siblings or being emotionally or financially there for the parent.
How culture can impact parentification.
I am first generation Latinx and I myself was parentified. It is not uncommon in our culture to have the elder children (me) raise the younger ones. Often as many immigrant familie can attest to, parents have to work long hours just to make ends meet. It has been a healing journey to understand that the culture that you are born into is not fixed and we can take what serves us and heal any wounds that simple do not serve us anymore. Our family's actions and dynamics served a purpose and now we can choose to do life differently. Being able to come from a place of love and not rejection.
People do the best they can with the skills that they have in that moment.
I often tell my client’s what I tell myself, almost daily. My family has done the best that they could with the skills that they had in that moment.
This is how we can accept our current reality and push for change. Because acceptance is not approval. Being parentified as a child is something worth exploring and healing from.
You might be amazed about how you are able to embrace a new more peaceful way of doing life, where you choose to people please less, lean into your true identity, and put yourself first.