Thinking Errors That Get in the Way of Healthy Relationships.
Thinking errors that gets in the way of healthy relationships #1:
All-or-nothing thinking
This is where people are very polarized in their views about themselves, others, or the world. It is also called “black-and-white thinking” or “yes or no thinking.” I often tell clients I work with, especially the couples I see in therapy, that things are rarely that simple. There are so many things that live in that gray space or in that maybe or kind of area.
Because I often work with those who came from chaotic upbringings and are in therapy wanting to heal inner child wounds and deep attachment wounds, all-or-nothing thinking is common. I offer therapy to those in Phoenix Area and all over Arizona and also those in the Fresno Area and all over California, and I have seen this theme of rigid thinking play out in really interesting ways. It was a survival strategy that protected a person when they had to think quickly and get things right or else something bad would happen, like a parent taking out their anger on them.
As we get older we learn that all-or-nothing thinking does not work. Life is too complicated. And the goal is to work on creating an environment where the stakes are not that high, where messing up is okay. Where having a conversation about nuance is welcomed. This is why having a secure relationship where you feel emotionally safe and where you can have this peace that comes from within you is fundamental to healing deep trauma. This is why I also offer EDMR therapy to help people make deep shifts to help them rewire their thoughts to err on the side of being more positive or adaptive instead of negative.
Thinking errors that gets in the way of healthy relationships #2: Catastrophizing
Catastrophizing is another thinking error or cognitive distortion that often can take a calm conversation to an extreme state where voices are raised and tears are flowing. Assuming the worse possible thing is another protective measure that many of us gained growing up in chaotic homes. It keeps a person safe, by leaving a person in this constant anxious mode, playing out and preparing for the worse thing to happen.
When we are adults this kind of thinking is no longer serving and can often be hurting you as an adult. Plus it is so exhausting. If your brain assumes the worst, jumping to negative conclusions, you will likely end up spending a lot of time in your head. When we are in our heads too much we have less space to actually live a good life.
In couples therapy I often see this turning into arguments. One thing leads to another and then a person is feeling like the relationship is over. The stakes are high and there is no room for a calm, logical conversation. Time outs and breaks where you make it a point to come back in an agreed-upon time can really be a game changer for helping a couple to over come this dysfunctional communication pattern.
Thinking errors that gets in the way of healthy relationships #3: Mindreading
Try as we might, we cannot read the minds of people. We have to ask for our needs to be met. If you are annoyed about something, there is a good chance that your partner, friend, or family member doesn’t know it.
Try to be calm and curious when you are navigating conflict. You and your partner are on the same team after all. Easier said than done, I know. Even harder if you grow up with not great examples of healthy communication.
Often we pick up unhealthy strategies of communication such as being aggressive or passive-aggressive. We pick it up in our family and friends groups as we grow up. But there comes a point where you might be tired of the games and where you crave clarity. This is where therapy that addresses root cause issues like trauma and attachment wounds can help. Because you deserve to have relationships that feel good and where you feel good.
Thinking errors that gets in the way of healthy relationships #4: Feelings as Facts
Feelings are valid. When you are hurt, angry, or happy that is valid. This is your experience and perspective of what is going on and it is important to feel validated by your partner. However, feelings are not facts. Just because you are hurt, does not mean you have a terrible partner or that your relationship sucks.
It is important to separate feelings from facts. Sure, your partner messed up and you are hurt. Your partner messed up, fact. You are hurt, feeling which is valid. But you might not have a bad partner or a terrible relationship. Knowing this and being able to coach yourself in difficult moments can really help guide you to have better arguments with your partner, where you feel heard.
Thinking errors that gets in the way of healthy relationships #5: Should’ve Would’ve Could’ve
Shoulding all over yourself will not help. Promise.
When we live in a state of rumination on all the past things we should have done are only going to make us feel worse. You will get stuck in your head, and you will find it harder to move on with your life.
Couples will often say that they should have done this more or should not have done something. There is often so much shame and hurt, which keeps couples stuck. In therapy, I work with couples to work towards acceptance of what has happened. And to work towards creating the life that they want and the relationship that they want.
Thinking errors that gets in the way of healthy relationships #6: Negative labeling & Self-blaming
Being negative and self-blaming often has its roots in a childhood that was not nurturing. Whether a person was abused, lived in a chaotic home, or had a parent who was unavailable (illness, work, or trauma), a child has a higher chance of growing up to feel negative about themselves and the world around them.
This happens because kids are egocentric due to how their brain works. This is normal and healthy from a developmental perspective. Kids really are selfish in how their brains work and as they get older they start to realize the world does not revolve around them. So when a person goes through a lot as a child, like a divorce, they can easily feel like they are at fault. Which can them become a theme in their life, feeling like they are at fault for things that had little to do with them.
Therapy can help, especially deeper, somatic therapies, like EMDR therapy, Internal Family Systems, and Somatic experiencing because these therapies address deep trauma and inner child wounds. Memories are encoded deep within us, and trauma gets stored in our bodies, therefore holistic approaches can be more effective in treating these deeper wounds.
Thinking errors that gets in the way of healthy relationships #7: Setting unrealistically high expectations
We have to be realistic and this is true of our relationship with our partners. You are not perfect. Your partner is not perfect. Therefore your relationship will not be perfect. We are humans and doing the best we can to form hopefully beautiful connections with others.
Be kind to your relationship, and don’t place unrealistic expectations on it. Communication is hard, having a great sex life has its ups and downs, and navigating betrayal and regaining trust is not easy. We are often really hard on ourselves and place high expectations on ourselves and this often translates over to our relationship.
Often with the couple that I work with, I tell them that we are working towards a good enough relationship that will have great moments. That is the goal. Not a great relationship, because that expectation is too high and there is little space for us to be the messy humans that we are. Instead, it is more realistic and more enjoyable to have a good enough relationship. And oftentimes people find that the once the pressure is off, they are truly happier in their relationship.
I hope you found the thinking errors above to be useful in helping you navigate conflict within your partnership. Conflict happens, I tell my couples that are in therapy with me this all the time. The difference is how we navigate that conflict. This is what sets healthier relationships apart from the ones that are on the verge of failure. It is tough work and I think that the fact that you are reading this article shows just how invested you are in having healthier conflict.
Whether you are taking a preventative approach or you are working through the messiness of a relationship that needs some serious repair, therapy can help. Please reach out and I would love to consult with you to see if I can help or point you in the right direction.
With Warmth,
Elisa Blair
Hey there, I’m Elisa Blair!
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist + Founder of Mindfully Minding Me Therapy.
My specialty is couples counseling, especially for those who are BIPOC, in interracial partnerships, 1 and 2 gens wanting to break family cycles to step into a more peaceful way of doing life. I also offer depth work with individuals, helping people rewire their nervous system because traditional talk therapy sometimes is not enough.
I work with people all over San Diego, from Little Italy to Chula Vista, to La Jolla, and really all over California since I practice 100% online therapy. That means I can see people from Los Angeles to Fresno to San Jose, and San Francisco. And all while my clients get the convenience and comfort of having therapy right in their own living room.
I work with people all over Arizona from Flagstaff to Phoenix to Tucson 100% online therapy. Since I am dually licensed, I can see people who reside in both states or find that they travel often. And all while my clients get the convenience and comfort of having therapy right in their own living room.
Check out my about page to see if we are the right fit, explore my specialties page to see if I can help you break generational patterns and step into a more peaceful life. Ready to set up a free consultation?
