Trust is foundational in having a healthy relationship

5 Steps to Create the Setting for Hard Conversations

Pause and reflect on why you are bothered. Hard conversations are often hard because you care so much about the person you are talking about and there is fear with hard topics creating distance. So we often rush in without forming our own own thoughts first. This is very common if you are an anxious type of person. So pause. Get clear about what is bothering you. Don’t run into a conversation without first having the conversation with yourself. You don’t have to have it all figured out on your own before you talk to your partner or loved one, but you should have a rough idea about your thoughts first. It is not your partner's job to come up with your thoughts or to read your mind.
Have this conversation in private. If you have roomies or if you have kids, make sure you set things up so that you can have your conversation in private. Have someone watch the kids, while you go and take a walk through the neighborhood. Having conversations in private makes having hard conversations more manageable.
Make sure the conversation doesn’t go on for too long. It is super common for people to let hard conversations go on longer than should. We just want to get it over with. We want to be “all good again.” It is okay to revisit the issue. Most issues are rarely resolved after one conversation.
Make sure you preface you want to talk about something hard and give your partner a choice as to when, reinforcing that you love them and that this is something that has been on your mind. Make sure you stay away from “the talk” vibe. Don’t attach your partner, and share the issue from your own feelings point of view. Remember, conflict isn’t bad, it is just how we have the conflict that can make it unhealthy. Conflict is needed for creating and maintaining really healthy relationships. I often recommend in my couples therapy with my San Diego clients, that they should consider having checking conversations weekly or at the minimum monthly. This helps check-ins be part of the relationship, and you create a culture of talking about hard things together.
Consider walking while you talk. Walking can help us ground and soothe our nervous system. When we have a calmer nervous system we are able to stay in hard conversations longer. As an EMDR therapist, I feel like I just think more and more about our nervous systems and the role it play in feeling calm, secure, and safe in our relationships. Walking is a form a bilateral stimulation and can help us stay in our window of tolerance. Plus we release lots of feel-good hormones when we walk.

3 journal prompts to help you explore your own trust issues

Journaling can really help us get to root issues. Often we don’t reflect on why we feel the way we feel. Why the things that bother us, bother us. Journaling can help you process themes with our trust issues. Here are some great start journal prompts to help you explore your trust issues.

What does trust mean? What is the difference between confidence, trust, and honesty?
When was the first time you felt someone hurt, betrayed, or was dishonest with you?
What about your own relationship with yourself? What does trust in yourself look like? How have you kindly been firmer with yourself?

Tips to create a more trusting relationship

Often couples will share that they are struggling to rebuild trust in their marriage. Whether it is lying, cheating, or some other betrayal, repairing trust is one of the most common reasons people seek out couples therapy. Here are things I share with couples in my San Diego private practice.

Practice what you preach. Treat others the way you want to be treated. You can’t ask your partner to pay attention to you but you aren’t paying attention to them. Ask yourself often if you are living in your values.
Be clear about your boundaries and your expectations. Often couples will assume that their partner should know what they want. But people aren’t mindreaders.
Let people show you who they are and work on accepting them. Even if it with more boundaries and distance. This one is particularly for people who you are loosely dating, family members, and friends. Often people keep running back into a relationship expecting something different, but that rarely happens. Let people be them. Let yourself gravitate towards people who make you feel good.
Remember everyone is on their own hero’s journey. Sometimes people are bothered by other people’s decisions because they forget they can’t control other people. And their job is to work on letting people live their own lives, with the ups and downs. We have to know our limits on how much we can actually intervene or be involved.
Reflect often on why it bothers you, asking yourself if this is something to let go or to have a conversation about. I love the 24-hour rule. If it bothers me after 24 hours, then maybe it is worth having a conversation.
Ask yourself if this is coming from somewhere else. It this actually your own stuff?

How do you know if you trust someone or if you have trust issues?

When you trust someone you will feel secure in your relationship. You will find it emotionally safe to have hard conversations.
When you trust someone, you will notice you don’t worry or assume bad things
When you trust someone your gut is often a good indicator. Listen to your gut, trust yourself. However, this can be complicated if you have unprocessed trauma and your view of the world is not balanced. Therapy for inner child work or EMDR therapy can help.
You're able to focus on other things. Your relationship, no matter how much you love this person, should not be the only thing taking up space in your life.

How attachment issues create trust issues

As a Latina couples therapist, I have specialized training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, where attachment theory and attachment science can help us create healthy relationships. Here are some key takeaways on how an insecure attachment can create unhealthy relationships. Check out books, like “Hold Me Tight” to learn more.

Attachment styles can be summed up into 3 basic types

Avoidants are the people who pull away when there are issues or perceived threats in the relationship. Pursuers are the people who go head first and want to have the conversation right now. And a secure style, people who can have hard conversations when needed, without becoming flooded with their own emotions and insecurities. Most people tend to have some flavors of all three attachment styles. The goal is to be mostly secure most of the time. Feeling secure in your relationship will mean less 2 am fights.

Insecure attachment means that your mind will often race, coming up with stories that only point in a bad direction. If you tend to be a pursuer, all of this can be very exhausting and by the time we speak to our partners, we often overwhelm them, often coming off as anxious and accusatory. If you tend to be an avoider, you tend to avoid the topic altogether, and downplay that there are issues. Often you will feel blamed even if your partner is given an honest complaint, asking for a need to be met.

Couples therapy in San Diego California

Couples therapy is something that can really help you achieve the relationship you have been wanting. Relationships don’t have to be that hard and emotionally focused couples therapy can help. As a Latina therapist with EFT couples training, I often support couples who are also in interracial marriages, helping them unpack complicated family dynamics and how they impact their relationships. Having a secure relationship means less fighting and a deeper feeling of trust, commitment, and love.

With Warmth,

Elisa Blair