Should I Quiet Quit My Family?

By now you have probably heard about the term “quiet quitting,” a trend that has taken over the work world in recent months. In a nutshell, quiet quitting is where you do the bare minimum at your job. There is no more working outside of work hours. Checking emails after you clock out, or picking up the phone, absolutely not. There is no more going above and beyond, to be the all-star employee or in other words, burning yourself to a crisp. With the holidays here and people thinking about the boundaries they will try to uphold at that family gathering, people are also thinking about how they want to continue with this new way of showing up in life well into the new year.

New year, new me with awesome boundaries. YES! So it is no wonder that people have been thinking about quiet quitting their families. But before we get into quiet quitting your family I want to talk a little bit more about quiet quitting in the workforce, from a therapist’s perspective. Feel free to skip and scroll down to read about the 3 things you should consider before quiet quitting your family and friends.

Thoughts about Quiet Quitting from a Therapist’s Perspective.

As a therapist who often works with individuals who are miserable at their jobs, this is something that I have been noticing, more and more. When my clients come in and tell me about their anxiety or depression, work is often a huge venting point. I even had someone recently share how they felt like a slave to their employer and that they were not able to have the energy to do the things like spending time with their family. Spending time on hobbies. You know like actual life. YIKES!

Pandemic life has really stirred up a lot for people. Instead of people wondering how to fit life into their busy work schedules, they started to think about how to fit work into their life schedules. As a therapist practicing all over San Diego and California online, I found myself supporting countless clients in working on their boundaries and healing inner wounds that often have caused them to become workaholics. Yes, sometimes this stuff runs really deep. And sadly this is an employer's dream, a person who gives and gives, strives and strives, basically someone who struggles with boundaries. No wonder employers are panicking now that people are starting to value the balance when it comes to picking a job.

So of course it makes sense that people are thinking about how they can also quiet quit those family members or friends that drain them. Essentially quiet quitting is like boundaries. Which is something that therapists all over preach about as fundamental to a healthy life. But before you quiet quit your family, there are some important things to consider.

If we don’t listen to our thoughts, feelings, sensations, bodies, and minds, they will get louder until we listen.

3 Things to Consider When Quiet Quitting Your Family.

Okay, you have decided that quiet quitting is for you and it is something that will give you the relief that you need. But now maybe you are wondering how to do this in a way that makes sense. I want to walk you through three points to consider before you quiet quit your family. So that this really aligns with your values and you find your self acting with intention.

First, we will talk about how quiet quitting doesn’t mean completely cutting out or ghosting someone. Second, we will talk about how uncomfortable feelings may come up, such as guilt. And third, we will explore how quit quitting does not have to be permanent or rigid.

1. Relationship vs Relating

There is a difference between having a deep emotional relationship with someone and keeping a surface relationship with someone. Both have a place in our lives. Just because you can’t have that deep emotional relationship that you have longed for with your parents or that one friend you met in grade school, does not mean that they have to be completely cut out of your life. Quit quitting does not mean ghosting.

I often talk to my clients about accepting people for who they are, 100% without judgment. Once we remove the shoulds, coulds, and woulds from how we wished people treated us, you will find a deep sense of relief. You will be able to save energy you previously used in places with little return on investments and you will be able to invest in people and other areas of your life where you are no longer drained.

So maybe you can quiet quit members of your family or friend group, but perhaps do it in a way where you don’t have to cut someone out completely. Instead, you can reassess how you relate to them so that you can preserve a connection and most importantly your sanity. And obviously, there are some people where we must absolutely cut off contact, something that isn’t easy but vital for our well-being.

2. Quiet Quitting Might Stir Up Guilt and Other Uncomfortable Emotions

Guilt is often a by-product of setting and maintaining boundaries. This is something that I as a counselor, working with people all over San Diego County, from La Jolla to Mission Valley, often tell my clients. Boundaries are not easy because they often it can stir up some deep feelings and beliefs that make us uncomfortable. As a BIPOC therapist, being Latina has meant boundary setting can sometimes feel like I am not loving someone, therefore making me a bad person. It is something that many of my BIPOC clients express. And this guilt is very real and can feel almost impossible to manage at times.

As a therapist practicing online in California, I often the work that I find myself doing with my clients in therapy is deep work to help them let go of negative core beliefs. Feeling guilt for having a boundary is often tied to deep issues. For example just because I hold a boundary does not mean I love this person any less and does not make me a bad person. But maybe someone in my history I internalized this and now it plays out in all areas of my life. So it needs to be let fo of because it is no longer serving me. Easier said than done.

Thankfully I have found success helping people do this work by blending a mix of approaches such as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT Therapy) with Internal Family Systems and EMDR (a great somatic therapy to address the nervous system). Again it isn’t easy work, and the support from friends or therapists would help you as you navigate boundaries with your family in a way that doesn’t feel so alone.

3. You can Always Make Adjustments.

Often people get worried about damaging a relationship with boundaries. So perhaps you are wondering if you quiet quit family members or friends, what would happen if you change your mind? When it comes to quiet quitting or setting boundaries with your family, rest assured that boundaries are like living documents, that can be adjusted as needed. Nothing is written in stone. Give yourself the reassurance that this is like an experiment that you can do slowly where you are simply testing out different approaches until you find something that feels good.

It is important to remember that people might have their own feelings when you start to quiet quit them or set up boundaries. Feelings they either verbally express or passively express. And that is okay. You are not responsible for the feelings of others. And others are allowed to have their feelings and to process the world around them. If you find yourself getting uncomfortable with other people's feelings, it can be helpful to tell yourself that it is interesting and valid and then you can put those feelings into a box to unpack later by journal or with your therapist.

Quiet Quitting Can Help but Maybe it is Not the Solution.

Many people feel like quiet quitting is not the solution, and I can see that. Thinking systematically, I see quiet quitting, whether it has been in the workplace or at home, to be a by-product of people being hurt by an unhealthy society. I am a marriage and family therapist, meaning I have a very systemic mindset when it comes to observing and conceptualizing issues. Working with people all over San Diego County, from La Jolla to Mission Valley, I really have been noticing more and more that the reason why anxiety and depression have been on the rise in recent years is because of an unhealthy society. It is not sustainable on so many fronts and people are burning out. Quiet quitting can give people relief.

Though quite quitting may not be the answer for the long term, it very well might be what people need in order to make changes where they can. I am so grateful for the work that I do because I can see the relief people achieve when they are able to put themselves first and make strides toward a healthier, more sustainable life.
This in turn makes for healthier relationships with our partners, children, and communities. And that is where I believe real change will happen.

I hope you found this information useful and I hope you continue to work on putting yourself first. I know it isn’t easy but you will be better human for yourself and those all around you.

Warmly,

What to Consider When Quiet Quitting Your Family.