Here we go again. That’s what you are telling yourself as you and your partner find yourself in the same argument…again.

Have you ever wondered why you keep having the same argument over and over again? Maybe you find yourself after the fact, feeling like the argument was silly or maybe you really can't remember what it was even about. All you know is that you felt triggered, defensive, and unheard. And your partner just didn’t seem to understand you.
You're not alone. Lots of people find themselves arguing over the same stuff over and over again. Lots of people feel like they can never revolve conflict with their spouses without it escalating to where you're shouting at the top of your lungs or someone is shutting down. As a couples therapist, I want to share with you 3 reasons why you might be arguing constantly with your partner.

Hi there! My name is Elisa Blair, a licensed marriage and family therapist. I work with people all over San Diego, from Little Italy to Chula Vista, to La Jolla, and really all over California since I practice 100% online therapy. That means I can see people from Los Angeles to Fresno to San Jose, and San Francisco. And all while my clients get the convenience and comfort of having therapy right in their own living room. My specialties included couples counseling, especially for those who are BIPOC, in interracial partnerships, 1 and 2 gens wanting to break family cycles to step into a more peaceful way of doing life. I also offer depth work with individuals, helping people rewire their nervous system because traditional talk therapy sometimes is not enough when we are dealing with generational trauma. I offer Internal Family Systems Therapy and EMDR therapy. Click here to read more about my specialties. Anyway, I am so excited to share with you all about the top three most common things that I notice in couples who share they are having the same argument over and over again. Keep on reading!

Reason number one: It really has nothing to do with the topic you are arguing about.

This is by far the most common thing that I see in my therapy practice in San Diego. People come in and are sharing how they got into it again. After hearing them tell the story, it becomes clear that they are really arguing about something else. Often people struggle to voice their needs and want for fear of being too much or too weak to handle it on their own. But this is something that healthy couples are able to do. Healthy couples are able to voice their needs and have them met by their partners. And this could be a reason why you find yourself having the same argument over and over again with your partner.

For example, are you really fighting about the dishes not being put away? Or are you arguing about the unfair share of housework? And you are tired after a long day, so the last thing that you want to see is your partner on the couch enjoying a break. Why because you want to rest but have things to do so this upsets you and instead of asking for needs to be met, we come in with hurt feelings and fighting words.

Side note, being activated by seeing someone resting is often a sign that there are some deeper things going on and I urge you to seek support to address this so that you can heal that inner child who wants rest. I know this because my specialties include couples counseling, especially for those who are BIPOC, in interracial partnerships, 1 and 2 gens wanting to break family cycles, where we heal those inner child wounds. I find that a blend of Internal Family Systems Therapy and EMDR therapy often helps people health those deep wounds, helping them create more peaceful and fulfilling lives.

When you find yourself arguing over surface issues, I often recommend that you both work on expressing needs and wants, but the true needs and wants. This is where weekly meetings with your partner are so important. It is a chance to go over what is working and what is not working. And to express this with compassion and not criticism. This is something that most of us did not see our parents doing with one another, so I get it. It is uncomfortable and growing pains are to be expected. But it helps and you can break that cycle.

Reason number two: You are too triggered to listen to each other.

The next thing I notice often in my San Diego therapy practice is that people are trying to have conversations when they are too “hot.” By hot I am talking about how your nervous system fires and gets way too much energy to properly process what is going on. I often ask people to be honest and think about their own limits on how “hot” they can be in order to still be in the right frame of mind to argue and work through a conflict with their partner.

For me, I know on a 1-10 scale, no more than a 7. At a 7, I am already feeling too uncomfortable to listen. I can’t really hear and process, and instead I am thinking about protecting my ego, my sense of self. It far better for me to tap out for a moment, breath, and ask to resume this conversation in an hour. I will go shower, walk the dog, and then come back to the conversation with more clarity. This skill isn’t easy to learn and master, heck I still struggle with it. But it is a skill that can help you in those times when you are not able to listen with curiosity and compassion.

Being Latina, the eldest daughter of a large family, this was something that was not really modeled well. Instead what was modeled was passive aggressiveness, guilt trips, and silent treatments. The adults struggled to manage their big feelings as they navigated conflict with one another. I want you to know that this work is not easy and I hope you reach out for support as you navigate a new way to do life with ease; a life where you are breaking cycles. Because that work is not for the faint of heart. If you are looking for a therapist, I work with people all over San Diego, from North Park, to Chula Vista, to La Jolla, to Hillcrest, and really all over California since I practice 100% online therapy. That means I can see people from Los Angeles to Fresno to San Jose, and San Francisco.

Reason number three: It might be a deeper life dream or view.

Sometimes people are arguing over and over again because there is a deep life dream or goal that is not being recognized an fulfilled. Maybe you or your partner wanted to travel more and are not making it a priority. And you are resentful that the budget is not factoring in this dream. Maybe you want to be more carefree and not so constrained as you felt in your family of origin growing up. So when your partner tells you that you are a slob you might be taking it more personally, and instead, this could be a beautiful conversation where you explore and check to see if your dreams are being met.

It is so important to have these deeper conversations with your partner. I often tell the people that I see in my San Diego therapy practice, that the reason people find themselves no longer recognizing their partner and feeling like they are married to a stranger is that they have not been putting in the effort to update their love maps. Love maps is something that the Gottman’s, who are famous for their research on successful partners, have urged people to take very seriously. In Gottman Therapy, the idea is that the more detailed and filled out your love map is with your partner the more satisfying and healthy your relationship with be with your spouse. And making live dreams come true can bring couples together in such a deep and loving way.

Now these three reasons for why you keep arguing might not be the reason you keep arguing with your partner, but this is a good place to start. Whatever the reason is, it is so important to feel curious and compassionate as you navigate issues. Giving the benefit of the doubt and honestly believing that your partner is on your team are huge cornerstones for a happy, healthy, secure relationship. I hope you found this information helpful!

With warmth,

Elisa Blair