Why does my partner always cry when we argue?

Are you asking yourself, why does my partner or spouse always cry when we argue? Then keep on reading and learn the 3 common reasons I have noticed in my online therapy practice in California why someone might always cry when arguing.

Crying is a natural normal part of human existence, but crying can definitely make us uncomfortable, especially when it is our partner crying in front of us. Does it seem like your partner shuts down no matter how small the issue at hand is? Do you ever feel like you can never bring up anything for fear and worry that you will see your partner break down in tears? Keep on reading to learn the reasons why your partner might cry so easily and what you can do about it.

Reason Number One: Your partner might be more sensitive than normal because they are under a lot of stress or pressure.

One reason might be that your partner is under a lot of pressure or stress and any little conflict is enough to push them over the edge. I like to share a visualization with my couples, where I ask them to imagen a cup of water. And all of life's annoying things impact how much water goes into their cups. A lot of times people are living their lives with not much room at the top of their cups. So it makes sense why something which is not that big a deal can feel like a big deal.

So what can you do when your partner is under a lot of stress and you find yourself arguing more often?

Sometimes all your partner needs you to do is listen. This is easier said than done because often we go into wanting to fix the problem. Giving your partner your attention as they express what is going on will help them feel connected and in turn, it will help your partner do what they already know they need to do. This is one of the things that I teach in my online California therapy practice, your partner does not need you to fix or find the solution, they just need you to listen. Maybe after they might ask you to help them make a choice but that usually comes much later, after a good amount of time venting and expressing their hurt, frustration, worry, and any other big emotion that they are trying to navigate.
Even if your partner is approaching you with something you did wrong or bringing a complaint up, do your best not to see this as criticism. Complaints are simple requests to stop doing something or start doing something, while criticism is attacking our character. Often, in therapy, I work with couples on seeing the difference between the two. People will often take complaints as personal and people will often slip into criticism when they feel like the complaints are not working. This can be a relationship disaster.
So my advice that I give to the couples that I treat in my online California therapy practice, is to slow it way down. When your partner is coming at you with a lot of energy, crying and upset, hurt and angry, try your best not to get defensive or triggered and listen. If you find yourself getting upset, triggered, or defensive, acknowledge that part of yourself and tell yourself that you can hold your feelings and give some space to your partner. After we listen, we find ourselves creating the space needed to actually solve the problem.

Reason Number Two: Trauma might be the third wheel in your relationship.

Another common thing I see is trauma impacting the dynamics of a couple. When I say trauma it can be “big T” trauma or “little t” trauma. The way that I often frame it to my clients both individual therapy and couples therapy, is basically anything that was not nurturing and that left some emotional marks on a person can be considered a trauma. Things like growing up with a parent who was absent due to alcoholism, a parent needing to work long hours, frequent moves as a child, and divorce are things that people often minimize. In therapy when people take the time to understand themselves and the way that they show up in this world, they start to see these “little t” traumas as needing attention to help them finally feel like they can handle life.

If your partner has been through a trauma or several, and if you have also been through your own traumas and hurts, navigating conflict will likely feel scary, dangerous, and something to be avoided at all costs. When a person has been through a trauma, their brain might feel unsafe during the conflict. This is super common for lots of people. Conflict is often scary and many of us, myself included, did not come from homes where conflict was managed well. Many people were never taught how to handle big feelings. Many people were taught that anger is a bad emotion and angry was often expressed in inappropriate ways. Even though you and your partner are in a safe, secure relationship, there might be a part of the brain that is still stuck in the past.

So what can you do when trauma impacts the way that you navigate conflict in your relationship with your partner?

Part of the couples therapy that I do with people is creating what is called a “love map” this is something from the Gottman Style of therapy, where a couple works on developing a map or guide of their partner. This is where our stories and knowledge about our partner is gathered. The importance of a love map is to help up understand how to be in a better relationship with our partner. Friendship is at the root of a healthy secure relationship, and to have a great friendship with our partner, we need to know them. The good, the bad, the past, and the future dreams.

Specifically, when it comes to trauma, it is so important to understand your partner’s upbringing and past because this is important information for both of you to learn how to navigate conflict. In my couples work, I almost always refer people to individual therapy, when I start to notice that there are issues that need the attention of an individual therapist. By doing both individual therapies alongside couples therapy, people achieve their goals much more quickly and find that they are able to deepen the relationship they have with their partners. I cannot stress this enough to the couples that I see in my online California therapy practice, that trauma needs to be addressed and treated otherwise they risk continuing to hurt one another when navigating conflict.

Reason Number Three: Your Partner has a diagnosis or trait that makes them process information differently like ADHD, Autism, HSP.

Third another common thing I see in my California online therapy practice when someone struggles with crying often is where has a neurodivergent brain. Conditions such as Autism, ADHD, and personality traits like HSP or highly sensitive person, can impact how a person navigates conversations. This is why it is so important for people to know their partner and this includes knowing about any diagnosis and traits they have so that they can work together as a team instead of coming at one another in times of conflict. Often such diagnoses and traits cause shame and when shame is in the picture, solving conflict becomes even harder. These deep feelings often lead a person to cry when navigating conflict, even if the conflict seems to be small. This is the tricky thing about shame and this is where those demon dialogues as in emotionally focused therapy come into play. Shame is what furthers conflict because it drives behaviors that make it nearly impossible to navigate a conflict without creating tons of damage.

For example, I work with a lot of couples in my therapy practice in California, where one or both of the partners have ADHD or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. It is common for people with ADHD to struggle with something called rejection dysphoria. Rejection dysphoria is where a person is taking in a lot of sensory input during a conflict that may put them over the edge, causing a lot of hurt and rejection-type feelings. Sometimes what might be seemed like small things feel like a personal attack. This is basically feeling a level 7 to10 hurt out of 10 whereas most people might feel a 3-5 hurt out of 10. Feeling things at such a high intensity almost always means that someone is going to flood, often crying or shutting down.

When most people think about ADHD they think messy, disorganized, always running late, hyper activity, excessively talking, or being lazy. But what many people don’t understand and what I work on the most with people in my therapy practice is that ADHD can cause extreme mood swings because mood swings and deep feelings of shame, guilt, and worry are often common for people who are neuroatypical, such as those struggling with ADHD.

So what can you do if this might be the reason that your partner cries often when you both are fighting?

Slowing it way down is my go-to when helping couples navigate. When we are able to slow it down we are able to stay curious and we are able to guide the conflict with more love. I often say that ADHD relationships are high-risk and high-reward type relationships. They are beautiful and amazing, But when the skills are not in place to navigate conflict, these relationships can also be very risky. They have the potential to cause so much hurt, anger, frustration, and feelings of being alone. Often increasing the chances of breaking up, separation, and divorce.

We never want to shame a person for being born the way that they are. Doing so will make it impossible to ever solve marital issues. Therefore I often make sure three things are done.

The person with the diagnosis or traits seek out support to help them manage symptoms
I ask the partner to learn about the diagnosis, by reading books, listening to podcasts
I often ask the partner to consider doing their own therapy work, especially if there is other stuff getting activated within themselves

In the couples work that I do with my clients, we work on building a team between the couple, a team that together addresses the ADHD. We externalize this as something that is a part of the partner, a part of the relationship, but not the partner and not the relationship. By doing this people often feel like they are less overwhelmed and find that they are able to address their conflicts with better ease.

Though I wouldn't consider myself an ADHD expert, I do have a lot of experience working with couples where this is a player in the way that they are navigating conflict. If you and your partner are struggling because one of you or both of you have ADHD, please reach out so that you can get the relationship you both deserve.