Why the advice ‘don't go to bed angry’ is not always good advice.
Top 2 reasons it is okay to go to bed angry at your partner:
Going to bed angry does not equal that don’t love your partner.
Going to bed can help you regulate your nervous system.
Have you ever heard the advice don’t go to bed angry? Of course you have. I feel like this is often advice given to couples at their wedding. I know I had it written over and over again in my own wishful thoughts jar. And I would say that I use to agree with this notion, but not anymore. Keep reading to learn why I don’t think that falling asleep anger at your partner is as bad as people scare us into thinking.
Two reasons it is okay to go to bed angry at your partner: going to bed angry does not equal that you love your partner any less and going to bed can help you regulate your nervous system.
Reason one: Going to bed angry does not equal that you love your partner any less.
A lot of us come from homes where I love you and anger cannot co-exist. This is specially true for the BIPOC couples and individuals that I work with in my therapy practice. I am here to tell you that is simply not true. Human beings are complex and life is complicated. Remember that Disney Pixar movie, Inside Out? Perfect example. So I am to tell you that just because you are pissed off at your partner does not mean you love them any less. And I can tell you that from personal experience as well professional experience from helping countless couples in my California private practice, Mindfully Minding Me Therapy.
So if you can be angry at your partner and love with every fiber of your being, then why does it feel so wrong? Probably because of how many of us there were raised. I would say that many people struggle with feeling anxiety when they are navigating conflict. This anxiety is the nervous system saying “Oh shit, this is the end. They don’t love you.” This can be the case from the smallest of things, particularly for people who struggle with attachment issues. Whether you were watching the adults yell it out at 2am or whether you were being guilted into saying sorry you weren’t ready to as a kiddo, these are messages that we can unpack in therapy. In couples or individual therapy we can help teach your nervous system that conflict does not mean that you love your partner any less or that they love you any less.
Often in my counseling practice with couples we discover that the fear they have during conflict is familiar. There is a fear placed on not resolving conflict at that moment, even if the conversation is going in circles. Common thoughts people report having are “Like what if I never see this person again? What if that was the last interaction I have with them? As a trauma and couples therapist working with people all over California in my private practice, Mindfully Minding Me Therapy, I work hard to teach my clients not to give into the what ifs of life. We cannot control the things we cannot control. All we can do is live in the present. Fear is rarely, if ever, a place where we want a conversation to come from. It just won’t be productive. Just remember to tell yourself that going to bed angry does not equal that you love your partner any less.
At the moment it might feel like solving the issue is the way to go, even if it 2am. But remember nothing good happens at 2am.
Going to bed can help you regulate your nervous system and in the morning you will find it much easier to solve the issue at hand.
Reason Two: Going to bed can help you regulate your nervous system and in the morning you will find it much easier to solve the issue at hand.
At the moment it might feel like solving the issue is the way to go, even if it 2am. But remember nothing good happens at 2am. Unless you are a night owl and 2am isn’t past your bedtime. Having a conversation in the middle of the night means that you are going to struggle having a conversation. This is the very same reason why in difficult therapy sessions, we slow it way down. I tell my clients that we can’t have both logically converse if their mind and bodies are experiencing a lot of sensations and feelings. Our brains are just not able to do that. An argument that is getting too tense means that you are not going to say what you really mean, you are going to say hurtful things, you are going to be defensive, and you are going to get easily offended. All of this is a recipe for a fight that is not going to go anywhere and will have more yelling, tears, and shutting down than is needed. Going to bed angry can actually help you have a better chance of solving the issue.
In both individual and couples therapy in my private practice, Mindfully Minding Me Therapy, I often have people identify on a scale of 1-10 the anger they can have and at what level they think they can actually have a productive conversation. One where they are not letting the emotions call the shots and one where both them and their partner are on the same side when it comes to solving whatever the conflict in question is. More often than not people say 7. But it always turns out that they then change their answer to a lower number, especially when it clicks that we want to only have conflict with our partners and spouses when we are able to do so in a way that makes sense and in a way that does not cause more harm to the relationship. This is why going to bed angry can actually make sense if you want to have better conflict resolutions with your partner.
Maybe you are wondering, well how do I go to bed angry without it causing more damage? Here are my 3 steps that I give my couples in counseling in my private practice, Mindfully Minding Me Therapy. They really work!
How to go to bed angry at your partner in a way that makes sense.
1. Call truce. Call break. Use your secret code words.
2. Say that you love each other and that you are also upset.
3. Say that you both can discuss it later at a time makes sense. And turn in for the night.
How to go to bed angry at your partner in a way that makes sense.
1.Call truce. Call break. Use your secret code words.
I always suggest pineapple or something that the couple finds to be utterly ridiculous. My couples share that having silly work helps them feel safer when calling break. This actually makes sense, since research by the Gottman’s and other researches have shown that being able to laugh at yourself when trying to resolve conflict helps with feeling non threatened. Basically you are communicating, “honey, just because you are driving me up a wall and just because I am being the biggest idiot right now, does not mean I love you any less.” That right there is communicating to the nervous system of your partner that they don’t have to worry. That you guys will be just fine.
2. Say that you love each other and that you are also upset. The power of ‘And Statements.’
After calling break. If you can find the courage and vulnerability to share with your partner that you love them and that you are upset. This can help provide the clarity that you and your partner need in that situation. Often we come from homes where we felt like love and attention was taken away when we were “being bad.” It can be so powerful to communicate that you love one another despite the issue at hand. Logically you may both know it, but on a deeper level there might be some fear and worry. Therefore saying I love you can, giving a hug or smooch, can go a long way.
3. Say that you both can discuss it after your breakfast, or after whatever time makes sense. And turn in for the night.
Make a point to one another that you will revisit this once you both are able to do so. Make sure to play fair and do not make the morning vibe a continuation of the night before. This is something that in my California private practice, Mindfully Minding Me Therapy, I urge my couples in therapy to make a point of, saying that you will come back to the issue at hand.
Go to bed. If you are not tired. Do something soothing such as taking a bath, reading a book, or journaling your feelings. Try not to stay up too late. I often teach my couples to think of a good moment with their partner, this can often help to counter the negative feelings and thoughts you might be having. Remember they are just thoughts and it makes sense. Try to remember that things will feel different in the morning.
I hope you find yourself agreeing with me that anger is not as bad as we might think and that it can actually make more sense. There are so many misconceptions out there, misconceptions about relationships and misconceptions about therapy. It is worth exploring and speaking with a therapist to figure out how to have a thriving relationship.