Your Complete Guide to Better Dating: Dating Tips From a Couples Therapist
Why is dating so hard in 2023? Am I doing it wrong?
If these are your thoughts, I promise you, you are not alone! Dating, especially modern dating can be one of the most stressful parts of a persons life. At the end of the day we just want to find someone we connect with, someone who gets us, and someone one who we can’t wait to introduce to our friends and family. You deserve to have a relationship that feels good. As a couples therapist practicing in Fresno, California and online line all over California and Arizona, I have helped countless clients explore their dating life. We unpack attachment styles, childhood trauma, and the problems with dating in the modern world. Keep reading to learn what are common theme that come up in therapy for dating and relationship problems and strategies to have better luck with dating.
Should I just give up on dating? Is it even worth it to date in 2023?
Dating can be fun and exciting but it can also be annoying and defeating. By the time people reach out for relationship therapy in Fresno or therapy for support with their relationships, they often show up anxious, stressed, and burnout from the dating scene. They often are calling it quits on dating sharing how their last breakup was horribly, but they come to therapy because they really just want to learn how to date better. They come to therapy to heal their attachment wounds, learn about love languages, and healthy communication.
So don’t give up on dating all together, because that is not the answer. One of the most basic needs as humans is to feel connected to others, relationships can literally make or break us. Why else would there be countless songs, movies, and books about love and heartbreak? As a couples therapist, the number one goal for therapy is usually to feel understood by their partner. When we feel misunderstood, we feel unsettled, annoyed, and hopeless in our relationship.
In the world of dating, it can be really hard to ask for what you want in a way that doesn’t push others away. Dating can be hard, but with the right outlook and skills, it doesn’t have to be the worst thing in the world. This is were therapy aimed at repairing attachment wounds, addressing anxiety, and healing childhood trauma can really help you form better relationships with out all the drama. Here are some therapist-backed dating tips to help you find a connection.
Dating tip one: Get clear about what you want: serious or casual
This is the number one thing you need to address before you read any of the other dating tips that I will share. I often see it in my individual clients who are struggling with relationship issues. They say they want a serious relationship, but they are swiping left and right or going out to the bar every weekend. “Elisa, they are just playing games, why can’t I find a good one yet?” I often have to give some tough love and share that they are looking in all the wrong places for that serious connection.
Instead ask yourself, where would my potential future partner most likely hang out? Are they outdoorsy and going on hikes or spending time at the local rock climbing gym? Are they frequently going to art walks, book readings, or music festivals? And remember even if your future mate is not at this event, their friend might be. In order to find better matches we need to look in better places.
Dating tip two: If you are unsure go on another date
Humans are really good at being negative, it is in our wiring. After one date if you are unsure, you should go on more dates with this person until you are sure this isn’t the person for you. It is really hard to tell after just one date. Both of you are nervous and in your head, so it is hard to know after just a first impression. Instead of asking yourself what you don’t like about this person while on a date, ask yourself what you do like about them. Your brain wants to be negative, remember that.
When you are on the date, try not to focus so much on deal breakers. Instead, reframe it to focus on deal makers. Take this with a grain of salt, because yes deal breakers are important, like not wanting to date someone who smokes or doesn’t want kids but you do. But maybe their profession isn’t as important as you thought.
Dating tip three: Go on dates where you can actually talk to each other
Okay, my first date with my husband was going to the movies, but movies can make it really hard to get to know each other. But our dates after that were more interactive like going up to the mountains and going to parks. movie dates are not great for getting to know a person. Think about it, you are both staring at a screen, not engaging with one another. How are you supposed to get to know someone that way? Movies are great entertainment but not great first dates. If at all possible go get dinner before or coffee after to create space where the both of you can discuss the movie and each other.
If going to dinner is too intense, consider doing an activity. Like going to a painting class, taking a walk in a park, or meandering around downtown. Remember you don’t have to spend money on a date.
Dating tip four: Be realistic
No one is going to meet 100% of your checklist. I bet you don’t even meet 100% of your own checklist for yourself. Having standards is one thing, but being unrealistic is another. I see this a lot with the people I see for relationship issues, they want the romance they see in movies, but those are movies. I would say that 70% - 90% is a really good aim for most people. Plus if being with this person feels really good, the other stuff tends to matter less.
Therapy that addresses attachment wounds can help you learn about how high expectations might be related to smoothing deeper. This could be an avoidance strategy and therapy can help you address the deeper things you might be avoiding.
Social media as had huge impacts on our mental health and our perceptions on a lot of our lives. Therapy in Fresno can help you address these issues as they often lead to anxiety, imposter syndrome, and feeling like you are not having a good life.
Dating tip five: Don’t expect them to be your everything
Over the years our culture has become more lonely and isolated, which has put a huge strain on marriages. People fall into this trap where they want their partners (sometimes unknowingly) to be everything and meet all their needs. This is a lot of pressure to put on one person, often leading to lots of arguments between couples.
Instead, ensure that you have lots of friendships and connections with family. It will make it easier on both of you because the pressure to be everything for one person is no longer there. Find friends who can do the activities that your partner would rather opt out of, it will reduce the pressure for both of you.
The Covid 19 Pandemic had a huge impact on couples and individuals and their relationships. Couples were forced to stay in with one another or to isolate from one another if they weren’t already living together. 3 years later and I still talk about Covid and the Shut Down with my clients. I don’t think people realized just how huge it was, traumatic even going through what we all went through. Unpacking all this in couples therapy in Fresno can really help you and your relationship feel better.
Dating tip six: Do you like who you are when you are with them?
When we are dating we often ask ourselves if we like the person we are dating. We then come up with a list of things we do or don’t do and make a choice of whether we want to keep dating this person.
Instead, it might be more helpful to ask yourself what are you like when you are with this person. Do you become a smaller version of yourself, do you become overly anxious, do you feel reserved? Or do you feel more confident and relaxed? Exploring this can really help you pick a person who brings out the best version of yourself. Plus from a more practical standpoint, you can’t really change people therefore it is better to focus on yourself even when you are looking for a partner.
Dating tip seven: put yourself out there, and often
If your goal is to find a partner within the next year or before you turn a certain age, you have to put in the time and effort. Date often, connect with people, and the rest will fall into place. That cliche of you falling in love when you least expect has some truth to it. When we are just living a good life, good things happen. Including finding a good partner to live life with. It’s not that complicated.
You attract what you are. If you are happy, out their living you best life, you will find yourself connect well with others who are also living their best life. Trying really hard to find the perfect partner can cause you to been anxious, annoyed, and defeated. If you are struggling with your mood, therapy can help you make the necessary internal shifts so that you can start attaching better, healed people into your life.
When to seek out professional therapy for relationships in Fresno
If you have tried the tips above and still are struggling, it might be a good idea to speak with a relationship therapist or a marriage and family therapist who specializes in relationship issues. Lots of things can get in the way of dating and forming healthy relationships. Some common examples that I see in my therapy practice are past traumas, work stressors, and anxiety issues. Addressing these issues with a trained therapist can help you create the life you deserve, one where you are happy and healthy, in relationships that feel good to you.
Hey there, I’m Elisa Blair!
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist + Founder of Mindfully Minding Me Therapy.
My specialty is couples counseling and relationships issues, especially for BIPOC, 1 and 2 gens, and people wanting to break family cycles to step into a more peaceful way of doing life.
I am dually licensed in California and Arizona. I work with people all over California and San Diego, from Little Italy to Chula Vista, to La Jolla all 100% online therapy. And in Arizona from Flagstaff to Phoenix to Tucson 100% online therapy. And all while my clients get the convenience and comfort of having therapy right in their own living room.
Check out my about page to see if we are the right fit, to see if I can help you break generational patterns and step into a more peaceful life. Ready to set up a free consultation?