Wondering if what you and your partner fight about is normal? That is exactly what today’s post is all about. Not only have I heard the following arguments 100s of times in my couples therapy practice but I have also worked out many of these issues with my own partner. At the end of the day, we just want to communicate better, feel understood, and feel connected with our partner, husband, or wife. Let’s unpack just how to do that.

7 Super common couples fights that can be easily addressed in couples therapy

Fighting about the kids is a common couples therapy issue

Raising children is hard and lots of couples fight about how to raise children. This is often a common issue that brings couples into couples therapy. Sometimes it is about differences in punishment and discipline. Lots of parents came from homes where feelings were not talked about, tears were not allowed, and being grounded or spanked was how kids were taught to behave. There is a culture shift happening and gentle parenting is really hard and often puts pressure on a couple's marriage. Thankfully this is a super common couples therapy issue and a trained couples therapist can help you learn how to parent as a team.

Fighting about in-laws is a common couples therapy issue

It is often a classic movie trope, where the in-laws are often the source of tension. But it is a common thing that I see in my couples therapy practice. Often the issue is that boundaries have not been discussed between the couple and there is often a lot of passive communication. Families all look different and when you blend families together, issues are common and thankfully can be addressed in healthy ways.

Fighting about money is a common couples therapy issue

Money is a common stressor for many couples and often sends people into couples therapy. Money is a highly emotional subject for people and couples often fight about money problems and don’t realize just how much money represents for them. Often it is not just about money. There is often a lot to unpack in money issues in therapy. It could be related to our own childhoods, gambling and emotional spending, and internalized sexism or gender role expectations. A trained therapist who works with couples can help you navigate the emotional baggage that often comes with money.

Fighting about each other's friends is a common couples therapy issue

A marriage cannot provide 100% of a person's emotional needs. This often leads to unhealthy dynamics and a lot of pressure put on our partners. Having healthy friendships is so important for a healthy marriage. Sometimes couples get into trouble when friendships go against shared relationship values. Sometimes it is jealousy and the feeling of not being special enough. Lots to unpack in couples therapy.

Fighting about how to spend time together is a common couples therapy issue

Quality time is so important for couples, however, so many people in relationships report that they feel lonely and disconnected from one another, even if they spend time together. How can this be? It often comes down to the type of activities you do with your partner. Are you just watching TV together or are you out there doing life together? A healthy relationship is one where there are plenty of opportunities to connect with one another.

Fighting about chores is a common couples therapy issue

Even though times have drastically changed over the last 100 years for women, women still do a majority of the chores in the home. Even though they are more likely now to hold jobs. Women are very prone to feel a sense of “needing to do it or no one else will” and often shrug it off. Then over time this stress and workload can lead to arguments. This often applies to queer couples too. Sexism is still very real and it is something that can have a negative impact on your marriage.

Fighting about emotional labor is a common couples therapy issue

Emotional labor is the work that it takes to keep the house running. Even if a couple is pretty even on the chores front, there is usually one partner who takes on more of the “emotional labor.” This looks like remembering to schedule doctor appointments, keeping track of school stuff for the kiddos, and house maintenance things. Feeling underappreciated often leads to fights, and addressing emotional labor is something that can help you and your partner thrive instead of fighting. Here is more information about emotional labor and how it could be an issue worth addressing in your relationship.

Marriage and Relationship Tips: 3 Simple ways to help you fight healthier

Weekly check-ins. I am a big fan of doing the highs and the lows for your relationship weekly. It is more productive to address issues when they are small and often, instead of letting them pile up until they eventually become a fight. A weekly check-in can help you and your partner highlight what is going well so that you can keep doing it and it also provides a space for talking about how to address issues. All couples and relationships have ongoing pressure points, it is normal to have a few areas where you and your partner are growing. But not talking about it and ignoring these issues is what leads to bigger fights.
Remember that you and your partner are a team against the issue. Starting a sentence with “You” leads to fights because our partner is bound to get defensive. Instead when we say “I” and voice our concerns about something we need, our partners are more likely to help because they are not being attacked with “you language.” Therapy is a great way to work on communication with your partner, we don’t realize that we are making “You” statements and a therapist can help you and your partner communicate in a healthier way.
Don't take things personally. If you or your partner come from a chaotic childhood or have experienced trauma it can be really hard not to take things personally. It isn’t your or your partner's fault. Trauma has a way of making it hard to not go into that freeze, flee, fight, or fawn mode. If it is really hard to not take things personally for even the smallest of stuff, working with a couples therapist who is trained in trauma is so important. You can have a relationship that feels better and isn’t so hard.

How do I know if couples therapy is right for me

Couples therapy is something that everyone should go to at least once. Going to couples therapy is not about “failing” at your marriage. Getting outside help is smart. We get financial advice from experts, and mechanical advice for our cars, and we go to the doctor for our physical complaints. Even if you are not in crisis with divorce papers on the table, couples therapy can serve as a prevention and maintenance tool. I have worked with lots of couples who aren’t in crisis but instead, the focus is to gain an even better understanding of one another and bring their connection to one another even closer. Here is more issues that are commonly addressed in couples therapy.

Couples therapy might be a good choice if you are fighting more than usual, going through life changes like becoming new parents or empty nesters, or if you are realizing that you both have some attachment issues that come up sometimes. Unpacking and healing your childhood trauma together in couples therapy is such a healthy and beautiful thing to do.

Thankfully therapy is becoming less of a taboo thing and is being seen more as just as important as physical health. Mental health is important and addressing issues in therapy can help you be less anxious, less depressed, and more fulfilled in your life and relationships.

Holistic Tips for couples that aren’t therapy

Therapy is not always right for everyone. Time, finances, or constantly traveling can make it difficult to go to therapy. There are a lot of tools that can help you improve your mental health and can help you along your wellness journey. Here are some of the things I have personally enjoyed and have recommended to others as an adjunct to their wellness journey.

Listen to podcasts together about mental health or relationships.

Here is a list of my favorite, therapist-backed podcasts to listen to with your partner on your next road trip or long walk together. (No links and I don’t benefit from this list- I just want you to look them up, do your research, and pick what feels best for you!)

How to Be a Better Human with Chris Duffy

I just love this Ted Podcast! The topics are great conversation points to have with your partner. I have listened to so many on my own and also with my husband in the car. Talking with your partner about ideas, even if you don’t always agree, is a great way to strengthen your relationship. It is an active way to nurture your relationship.

The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos

This a great podcast with lots of good research. Happiness is something that people are constantly chasing. Being unhappy in a relationship is something that brings people to couples therapy all the time. Some couples know what is making them unhappy but a lot of the time couples have no idea and working with a trained marriage and family therapist can help support you in creating more happiness in your relationship or marriage.

We Can Do Hard Things Glennon Dyole

This podcast was actually introduced to me by a client way back when. I immediately fell in love and referred clients and friends to my favorite episodes all the time. Not only do they interview tons of experts and people who can speak to real issues, but there is something beautiful hearing about other people just trying to be the best they can and verbalizing how hard growth can be. There is something magical about hearing others put your problems into words. Language is everything. Imagine being able to talk to your partner about issues without it turning into an argument. Instead, it's just a shared conversation about growing alongside one another. Now that is a healthy relationship, and team doing life together.

Read couples and relationship books together

You would not believe the amount of good couple advice and information out there in books and articles. Just make sure that what you are reading is from an expert in couples and relationships. A couples therapist or couples researcher is a relationship expert that you can trust and if they authored a book, odds are the information that you are getting is science-backed, practically applied, and worth reading. Everyone should read up on the author before spending money to listen to advice that might not actually help or could even be harmful to your relationship, possibly making relationship issues worse.
Here is a list of my favorite books that I refer to often and that people really enjoy reading with their partner. (no links and I don’t benefit from this list- I just want you to look them up, do your research, and pick what feels best for you!)

Love Prescription by the Gottmans (the longer version is the 7 Principles to Making Marriage Work)

This book is full of the science behind healthy relationships. Yes, science! Healthy relationships are fundamentally different than unhealthy ones, and John and July Gottman are well known for their contributions to the field of couples and healthy relationship therapy. They often say “Small Things Often” to improve your relationship and as a practicing couples therapist I 100% agree.

Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson

This book is all about attachment theory, the idea that we are shaped since we are very little by our earliest attachment figures (parents and caregivers). This is my main theoretical orientation when working with couples. As a trained emotionally focused therapist (EFT Therapy for couples and attachment) I am a huge advocate for creating a secure relationship within ourselves and with those closest to us. Safety (physical, emotional, and spiritual), is what really makes relationships thrive.

Good Inside by Dr. Becky

This book is more of a parenting book, but I often suggest it to the couples that I work with because so much of couples' fights are a result of parenting differences and issues. This book does a beautiful job of helping parents reparent themselves as they parent their children. And this also informs us on how to be better partners too. Win-win.

Don’t forget about the basics of taking care of your mental health

Eat a well-balanced and nutritious diet. Your brain needs good nutrition in order to work at its optimum level. Healthy foods can really help you out with improved mood which means improved relationships.

Make sleep a priority. Most people in today's world are sleep-deprived. I don’t know about you, but a bad night's sleep makes me more irritable and less motivated to be my best self. Sleeping well helps your brain process information and prepare for the next day. Your mental health can be greatly improved by a good night's sleep.

Exercise and move your body often. Moving your body is so important for mental health. Our bodies were not designed to be still yet we spend so much of the day sitting around. No wonder people are struggling physically and mentally. You don’t have to spend hours at the gym. Simply going walking or gentle yoga movements every day can have a greatly beneficial impact.

How couples therapy in Fresno or Online works

Couples therapy in Fresno (or online in California and Arizona with me) can help your relationship recover from infidelity, and communication issues, and rebuild trust. You deserve to have a relationship where it doesn’t feel like work all the time, where you feel like you have a true partner in life.

I offer free consultations to ensure that we are a good fit. I want to make sure that therapy with me can actually help you reach your goals. I work with couples and individuals struggling with relationships and dating. If in our consultation it seems like we aren’t a good fit, whether it is scheduling, or your current issues, I am happy to point you in the right direction to trusted colleagues and clinics. I just really want you to get connected with the right therapist to help you reach your goals because you deserve to have healthy relationships and to feel better. Therapy can help, reach out and learn more.

With Warmth,

Elisa Blair