5 Important conversations to have in an interracial or multicultural relationship.
Are you in a relationship and do you happen to be a different cultural or race from your partner? Then keep on reading! Honestly, even if you are in a relationship with someone of the same background, you can benefit from this read, because you know I would even argue that we all come from our own micro-cultures, no two family origins are the same. Heck let's break down that future, no two siblings are born into the same family.
Anyway, going back to the topic. Having conversations, particularly early on in the relationship can help support a healthy relationship. This cannot be more true when two people from different worlds fall in love. As someone who has lived experience in this arena (1st gen Latina with a 2nd gen Japanese American, I not only know from my studies, but from my own life how important it is to be frank with another that culture is a pretty big deal.
1.What is your family’s “coming to the states” story
This one is such a deep conversation, and time and time again I have worked with couples who haven’t had this conversation with one another. And as a couples therapist who specialize in minority and multicultural relationships, I make this one of the first conversations we have. We will start it in our session and then I will ask the couple to continue with it outside of the therapy session in the form of a date. It is beautiful to hear how this conversation alone is something that brings such a deep connection to the couples I work with in counseling. It is powerful because it helps build out a love map of our partner. A love map is our guide to our partner's inner world. The more on that map, the deeper the connections.
There is no shame when we approach a conversation, that deep down we know is important. Instead I ask my couples in therapy to view this as an opportunity to improve and strengthen what they have. And honestly those love maps will never be complete; we will be completing them until the day that we die. New experiences and forgotten memories. All things that we can tell ourselves are exciting, like an adventure.
2. What were the family traditions that you grew up with?
Another favorite conversation that I like my couples to have with one another in our therapy work together, why, you guessed it, to build and add to those love maps. Family traditions are huge, even the absence of them is huge in its own respect, and still worthy of conversation. Whether we are talking about what we did during the winter months in terms of holidays, how we celebrated birthdays, to smaller things, like what we did at dinner time, are good indicators into what we grew accustomed to in our family of origin. And as a therapist who is big on exploring our family of origin, this gives us crucial information for understanding traditions that our inner child craves. We grow up and leave our homes and then find ourselves later on feeling like we are missing something. Traditions. Creating shared meaning with our partners and connecting us with that inner child in a loving and nurturing way.
3. What are the things that you don’t like about the culture?
Now this one is sometimes discussed by a couple prior to seeing me in couples therapy, but often it is not done in the most effective and compassionate of ways. It often comes out in conflict and arguments between couples, where egos are hurt, and defensiveness is unchecked. In my couples work in my online therapy practice, we revisit these conflicts, but in a different way to allow us to be able to unpack unmet needs. Yup unmet needs. As adults we spend the rest of our lives, in a sense, recovering from the parenting we received. And culture impacts the parenting we receive. Culture sends us millions of messages and these messages impact how we show up in a current romantic relationship.
Those unmet needs show up as late night arguments after visiting family, or a feeling triggered by something that your partner says. And triggered in a way where the reaction you are having is of a level that fuels anger and hurt within your relationship. In therapy we discuss how these moments hurt us and explore just how far these hurts go back. For example in my culture I grew up hearing “calladita te miras mas bonita” meaning you are pretty when you are quiet. Through my own work I had to unpack how this shows up in my adult relationships and how to heal inner wounds. For example, my husband telling me to listen is not an end all to my piece within the argument, but a show of, hey love, slow down and hear me. It is not something where I have to get defensive, because he needs me to listen and so that I can effectively communicate back. On the flip side, my husband's family spoke in a loud tone when trying to get the point across, and that is something we have both agreed does not feel good to our inner childs and don’t allow ourselves to have serious conversations with a loud tone, meaning lots of self soothing and breaks when needed.
4. How does your culture view love, relationships, and roles?
This is often that gets my couples into an interesting conversation in our therapy work together. Time and time again, “they should just know” and my response every time is, “did we tell them?” And then more often than not I find that I am talking to a defensive inner child in that moment, well…. I slow it down, way down, and use humor and a gentle smile, you know what they same about assuming. It usually hits well, because by that time my couples have greeted a deep trust with me and know everything I say is with kindness. And I do not shy from a gentle call out from time to time.
The less we assume, the more we are able to practice saying our wants and needs, something many of us did not experience growing up. Many of us come from families where people were either aggressive, passive, or my favorite passive aggressive. Something I take very seriously as a therapist is helping my clients and couples create a life with more ease. We don’t have to work that hard. Being clear and direct is hard in the beginning, but with practice it becomes easier. And I am telling you, your relationship will be taken to a whole new level when you start to be assertive in the way that you speak with your partner.
5. What are we going to incorporate into our family?
In my therapy with couples, after we spend some talking about our family of origin and the messages we got, and how these messages continue to impact us. We explore what we want to take and what we want to leave. This can be difficult for some people, because it can sometimes feel like a betrayal to choose to live life differently. This work is something that a low of self love and inner healing can help support in letting go what no longer serves a person in the way that they show up in their relationship. Here are three areas I encourage you to explore with your partner.
Holidays. Which ones are we going to celebrate and how will we be celebrating them? Where? The food. The overall vibe we want to create on these holidays?
Religion. Sometimes people don’t realize how important this conversation is until they choose to bring a child in the picture. Having this conversation is so important, and focusing values can help you in navigating this with your partner.
Roles and expectations. So important to identify what roles and beliefs you hold about one another. Does gender factor into this? Does culture and race? This goes back to not assume, because that only makes an ass out of u and me. Ha!
Holidays. Which ones are we going to celebrate and how will we be celebrating them? Where? The food. The overall vibe we want to create on these holidays?
Religion. Sometimes people don’t realize how important this conversation is until they choose to bring a child in the picture. Having this conversation is so important, and focusing values can help you in navigating this with your partner.
Roles and expectations. So important to identify what roles and beliefs you hold about one another. Does gender factor into this? Does culture and race? This goes back to not assume, because that only makes an ass out of u and me. Ha!
I hope you found some of the things I talked about here to be of benefit to you and your relationship. A lot of the work starts with our own self exploration, because we have to know what culture and race means to me and how it impacts me, before I can go there with a partner.