3 ways how trauma can show up in romantic relationships.

Trauma can definitely show up in your relationships. I work with people all over California in my online therapy practice and one of my main specializations is couples. My other is trauma. These two overlap all the time in my work. We fail to realize that most of us have had some sort of trauma or major stress in our lives. From an alcoholic parent, to frequent moves as a kid. Big T and little t trauma. And all these experiences impact how we show up in the day to day life. Keep reading to learn 3 ways trauma might be showing up in your relationship.

Trauma healing is a huge part of the work that I do with my clients both in my work with individuals and couples in therapy. Whether it is big T and little t trauma, or even intergenerational trauma, trauma impacts the way we show up in the world and especially in our relationships. This is why I use my knowledge of trauma when treating my couples, because unresolved trauma makes navigating conflict with a partner only that much harder. Trauma impacts our nervous system which impacts how we respond or rather react to the situations. When working with couples I use a type of therapy called Emotion Focused Therapy or EFT therapy for short, which focuses on the attachment and the emotions that go on in our relationships. EFT helps people look at how they are getting triggered and then fall into a conflict, or dance as Emotionally Focused Therapists call it. This is the first step in being able to change that unhealthy pattern, and sometimes trauma is what gets triggered in conflicts. 

EFT is  my therapy style of choice, because not only is it backed by science, it can help people address things at a deep level, to help them understand the emotions at play, something that we often overlook or have very little practice in doing. Emotions are signals into what we need, want, and can affect our judgements and interpretations. Trauma can impact a person's ability to identify, regulate, and communicate emotions effectively. This is why I find EFT therapy to be so effective in my online counseling practice. Couples who struggle with communication often have some level of trauma or large stress or in their past, often childhood. It is worth exploring, in order to improve the relationships. 

My work with couples in therapy is to help them identify what they feel and how to communicate this to their partner. We slow down and identify the root cause of these issues. I view culture, our personal histories, and our upbring to be important in couples work, we often explore if this feels familiar. All of a sudden my partner getting irritated at something what I think is stupid, ends up being a sore spot because it reminds them of being scolding by a parent. This is where therapy can help create some deep lasting change. No longer will the couple fall into a dysfunctional pattern of finger pointing or a push and pull for attention. 

I will go over the top three ways that I see trauma impacting the couples that I work with day in and day out in my online California therapy practice.

• Needing to have big emotions to be seen by our partner

• Not being able to have a “healthy dependence”

• Being aggressive or passive in asking for needs

You or your partner find the need to have big emotions just to be seen.

This one right here is huge! In the therapy work I do with couples, we often take this one way back. Because odds are this did not start only once they became an adult who has a romantic partner. This often goes back to a person's childhood. Sometimes, often men, are told that “big boys don’t cry” which in adulthood often leads to the minimization of emotions until things are really bad, and then they explode. This phrase will sometimes be different in different environments, like “don’t let them get a rise out of you, that is weakness” or “channel that frustration into work.” So many unhealthy messages! Men are told this by parents, coaches, teachers, and bosses. Often in my work with men, we have to unpack this, unlearn, and relearn so that they can let their partners in. Men are not the only ones, any person of any gender and background can identify with this; I just have seen it more common in men. Which is often foreign and sometimes scary, but they are grateful once they notice a decrease in fights and being able to connect with a side of them that has been shut off due to conditioning in today's society. 

Another thing that will often play out is where one partner finds that the only way to get their partner to listen is if they have a breakdown of tears. I am all for tears, don't get me wrong. I heard a saying once that tears are just words we can’t quite express with words in that moment. And I believe that. But feeling like you can’t get your partner to listen to you unless it comes to the level where you experience flooding of tears, is not a sustainable way to handle conflicts within a relationship. Instead a more secure relationship will strive for being able to have all levels of my emotions listened to. Again I find that this often begins in childhood, either because we needed to be “big” for our parents to notice us or because we watched it play out like that between our parents.

you or your partner are Not able to have a “healthy dependence”.

Ever dated someone who won’t let you in? Or maybe you are the person who struggles to let people in? It is such an ironic thing that we expect others and even crave when others are vulnerable. It makes them human, likable, relatable. But no. I will not go there for myself. I have to be tough. This often has to do with conditioning and trauma. Believe it or not there is such a thing as being in a healthy, secure relationship where there is some dependence. There is nothing wrong with relying on your partner and for your partner to do the same for you. We live in a culture that promotes, what I think, to be an unrealistic, even unhealthy version of independence. We are social creatures and we have adapted over the ages to rely on others for our very survival. Think about why we have such a desire to connect and why it feels so good when someone cares and notices us. And on the flip side, think about how much it hurts when we sense just a bit of distance in our relationship.

In my therapy with couples, I work on addressing how they can have a healthy dependence with one another. How can they work together as a team where they feel valued, cared for, and capable of using trust in their partner for a balanced relationship. Trauma in our past can impact how we trust and rely on people. Trauma has a way of creating a mindset where, “I better not rely on anyone, they never come through”, and “all they ever do is hurt me.” Having this way of thinking can keep people from saying what they need and want in their relationships. A traumatized mindset can make it very difficult to show up in our relationship in a secure way, meaning less healthy relationships.

Side note. Maybe you are wondering, well they should know what I want. And to that I gently ask, did you ask for it? Oftentimes people don’t ask for what they need. Instead they falsely assume that others should just get it. Now if it is an ongoing situation, where you have asked over and over, there might be something else going on. Perhaps we tune our partner out, and the level of friendship just is not there. This is something that a lot of couples seek help for. Usually it is for couples who have been together at least 5 to 7 years, they find it difficult to “like” their partner. Couples therapy can help rebuild the friendship. We have to “like” someone if we want to work with them well. 

you or your partner tend to be aggressive or passive in asking for needs.

Another thing that I see often in my therapy practice with couples, is not being able to ask for what we need in a healthy, assertive way. Instead people who have had trauma might end up either asking for their needs in an aggressive way or not even asking for needs to be met, therefore being passive. Sometimes the two will become fused and a person will actually become passive aggressive in asking for their needs. Can you see how this just sets up a perfect battle ground for on-going conflict in a relationship?

In aggressive communication, a person behaves in a way where the thoughts and feelings of the other person do not matter. I think about the “end of discussion” type vibe. Maybe it reminds you of your parents, a teacher, or another adult who didn’t want to hear you out. But hold on. We should aim for differences in our own relationships, especially with our partners. I stressed in my couples counseling, even if you do not agree with your partner, you can still give them the respect to hear them out. That’s how we keep the conversation going.

In passive communication the person tends to go way over on the other side of the conversation spectrum. Their needs are not important, their thoughts and feelings are not welcomed, so why bother. This is something that many people who have had trauma, big T and little t trauma, struggle with. They have been conditioned to feel like what they have to say doesn’t matter and there is no point in speaking up. If we aren't careful, this can lead to resentment. Resentment is trouble for a relationship, and this is why therapy is so important for couples where there has been a trauma in one or both partners' past. 

You don’t have to settle. You can have the relationship you want, the relationship you deserve. A lot of people come from homes where healthy communication was not taught. Maybe they were given silent treatment from parents, maybe they learned that the only way to get their needs met was to make a big fuss. We say that we are fine but then our behavior says otherwise, creating tension in the room. I want better for my clients. You can have a healthy secure relationship, no matter what was in your past. I am a firm believer in that. You can get a life where you are at ease in your relationship. Were conflicts don’t send either you or your partner into freeze, fight, flee responses. This is why in my couples work, I find it so important to address trauma with my couples. We don’t know any better, we did the best we could with what we had. And now you can unlearn it and relearn it in away that creates a life and relationship you both deserve. And couples therapy can help.