What makes a date night a good date night?

A good date night is one where you both are able to connect and buffer your relationship against future conflicts. This means that you are able to have more positive points in the jar to use when the negative stuff happens. Even the healthiest of relationships have conflict. A healthy relationship will have its ups and downs; to make the downs more bearable, it is important to have many positive experiences.
Date nights are so crucial for making and maintaining healthy relationships with our partners. It is an opportunity to catch up, address issues, and further deepen our bonds. But not all date nights are created equal.

What are some examples of not-great date nights are?

Watching TV together (like only watching TV, not even discussing the show together or the film. My partner and I will pause stuff the time and then talk together about what we are experiencing. Or if it was a movie we went to watch, we discuss it in depth after. This is what makes a good date night)
Going on group dates, but actually not spending time with your partner during the group meeting (unless you are actively conversing with others about your relationship in good light, create something as a team with the group)

Let me unpack this one a bit more with you. Going on group dates can be widely great for building a strong relationship with your partner. But sometimes what people, ignore their partner when they are out together. Whether we do it intentionally or not, we are signaling to the others that they are less interesting than the group. This is common in an anxious-avoidant attachment partnership. This is something that therapy can help you further unpack.

A date night is a great way to improve the overall health of your relationship with your partner. A good date night is where you spend quality time with your partner so that you can have time to strengthen your relationship with your partner. When we have a strong, healthy, and secure relationship with our partners we are more likely to navigate a conflict with our partner in a way that is healthy.

Should you keep dating even after you are committed to your partner?

100% yes, you should keep dating your partner even if you are already committed to your partner. Dating never really stops. You are not the same person you were a year ago and neither is your partner. Healthy couples never stop dating and continue to add to their love map of their partner. As a therapist, I try to make this very clear to the couples I work with, whether I am seeing them virtually in San Diego, California or in Phoenix, Arizona. I love working with couples to unpack their attachment style and how this might be impacting their ability to have healthy communication.

Date nights can help you update your “love map” and strengthen your relationship.

A love map is a mental landscape of all the things that make your partner them. A good love map of your partner with have your partner's personality quirks, goals, dreams, fears, their worries, and how they are currently working on themselves. Lots of other things can go into a good love map of your partner. A good date night will offer a chance for you to update your partner's love map and for them to update their love map of you.

Should you keep dating even if you are busy with kids?

It is so important to make space for your partner and your relationship with them, even if you are busy raising children. Yes, raising kids makes spare time hard to find, but I highly encourage you to set aside at least an hour or two a week when it is just you and your partner. You have to nurture your romantic partnership and friendship with your partner. They are more than just the other parent to your children.

Date nights can prevent divorce including “Gray Divorce.”

Making space for dating when you are very committed and might raising kids can help prevent “gray divorce.” A gray divorce is a divorce that happens later in life once the kids are grown and have left home, often once a person's hair is gray, hence the name. Often this happens because partners just don’t feel that connection anymore. If you want to create a long and lasting relationship with your partner, it is important to consider making space for your relationship outside of being a parent, so that you can prevent losing that spark.

Again, not all date nights are created equal. Here is a list of my therapist-approved favorite date night ideas. These date night ideas have worked with the successful couples I have seen in therapy. Plus they are tried and true for my own partnership. These are proven good dates that can help you improve your relationship.

Here are 7 Therapist Approved Date Night Ideas.

1. A long walk is a great date night idea.

Taking a stroll with your partner can be incredibly therapeutic. If you have dogs to walk, fantastic. Although only if your dogs aren’t too distracting for the walks. This is why I recommend that children not be present on this date walk, unless you feel like it doesn’t take away from you and your partner being able to connect. The idea is to have a nice long walk where there are moments where just you and your partner connecting.

As an EMDR therapist, I love to recommend walking, since it is a form of bilateral stimulation. Walking can be a great place to work out issues because walking will help you stay calm enough to talk about topics that can be hard to talk about. No pressure to explore deep traumas out on the walks! Start with lighter frustrations. And talk about what is going well in your relationship. People love to know what they are doing well at. Appreciation is so important for a strong relationship.

2. Cooking a meal together is a great date night idea.

You don’t have to create a whole 3-course meal at home, for date night to be amazing. Instead create a meal you both love and I highly suggest it not be too complicated, just in case our perfectionist part decides to show up. The focus should be on creating something yummy and spending time together doing something, creating something. Date nights where partners are making or creating something together can increase positive feelings because our brains like it when we feel like we are part of a team.

This is why date nights where we are passively doing something together are not great date nights. Instead, we really want to engage in shared activities. Great date nights are dates where we can glance at one another and think thoughts like “woah, I love this person. They are always there for me” or “haha, what a goof. That one. That one right there is the perfect person for me” or “I feel this right here in my heart and soul. This moment right now is everything.” We literally want to have those moments with our partner where we turn and think that all we want is for time to stop so that we can be in this moment. You know what I am talking about. We want those moments where we suddenly feel like we are living out a romance novel.

Those are the very date nights I work hard with couples to create. You deserve more than date nights that leave you feeling disappointed and meh. If you haven’t been able to communicate these feelings to your partner. Or if your partner rejects these feelings and gets weirdly defensive, then therapy can really help. You do not have to work so hard on creating the relationship of your dreams all on your own. A therapist can help you.

3. Playing together is a great date night idea.

This can be video games, board games, fort building, face painting, anything goes!

This is one of my favorite date nights to not only recommend but that I personally really like. Lately, I have been super into Mario Kart (new races, yesss! Ps. who else is excited about the movie?!). But there is something to be said about looking at your partner and feeling like your face is hurting from all the smiling and laughing you experiencing. There is something about being joyful, almost kidlike with your partner that increases our satisfaction with the relationship. Being playful can be such a shock-absorbing cushion for when future conflict happens. If you want this feeling back in your life, therapy can help.

So why is being playful helpful for strengthening relationships? Because you and your partner are building up “friendship points.” More playful moments make it easier for your brain to give your partner the benefit of doubt and hear them out in conflict. Which then makes it easier to work with THEM to solve the issues. Again this is why being a team with your partner is so important! A great couples therapist using science back therapy like Emotionally Focused Therapy and the Gottman Method can help you create that “TEAM” culture within your partnerships so that you can finally communicate better and finally solve those problems.

4. Going to and exploring a new place is a great date night.

This can be going to a new state, city, or even neighborhood. Go check out a new restaurant together. Go to a museum. Exploring your city or even a new city together with your partner can have huge success in making your relationship better.

You don’t have to spend any money. You can walk around and look at the shops and people. Being together and making the time to connect is what makes a great date night experience.

5. Try a new intimate activity is a great date night idea.

This is not just sexual positions that I am talking about. Massages, showers together, jacuzzi time, or “smooshes” where you are literally just hugging or on top of one another for comforting pressure (great if you are neurodivergent). Any activity that is intimate would make for a great date night or even a “topper” to another date night that is suggested on this list.

6. Taking care of your home together is a great date night idea.

Not all dates have to be about going out. Staying in and accomplishing a house to-do item together can be a great date night. Often marriages and partnerships fail when partners do house activities separately, particularly if the house load is not equally shared (so true for partners where both people work).

A great idea for this date night might be decluttering the kitchen and reorganizing it, setting up a gazebo, or decorating for a holiday together. Put some music on. Be playful and enjoy this activity. A basic chore can turn into a shared activity. Again it is another example of feeling like you are a TEAM with your partner. (Should I just make shirts with TEAM on them and hand them to my clients as a gentle yet firm reminder?)

7. Getting extra dressed up can make a great date night.

There is something about wearing your favorite clothes that can really help you feel like you are doing something special with your extra special partner. I think a lot of people get comfortable and don’t really bother with impressing one another or honestly themselves. Depression can make you feel like “there is no need to get all fancy. It is just dinner.” Thoughts like this can lead to treating your partner or yourself as a “just.”

When we first start dating, we try to bring out our attractive side. It was fun for us and when we just loved the look our partner would give us. Those are feelings that a good couples therapist can help you achieve.

Having good date nights can help improve your relationship. Plus good relationships improve you individually because you create a feedback loop, where you start to speak kinder to yourself. This feedback loop is why healing can be so much faster in healthy relationships. Heck, this is why I am so passionate about couples therapy. Family therapy. Healing for communities. I get all nerdy and excited helping people make those ah moments in relationships. I think this is what really makes a great therapist. You want better date nights with your partner and I hope this list was helpful!

With Warmth,

Elisa Blair