7 Hard Truths About Growing Up As The Child of an Immigrant | Latina Couples Therapist

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Growing up as the child of an immigrant can greatly shape a person: in the way that they view others, the world, and themselves. This can show up in your work life, romantic relationships, and pretty much all areas. As a therapist who is the daughter of a Mexican immigrant, I have lived and experienced the realities that come from being the child of an immigrant. I cannot speak for everyone's experience but I know a lot of things that I plan to share in this post will resonate with others.
I have had many conversations with therapy clients where they too have had similar struggles, sharing how nice it is to connect with a BIPOC therapist. It is so important that you feel safe and comfortable with your therapist. There is no pressure to stick it out with a therapist when it feels like they don’t get it. Even in my own work with clients, we don’t always click, and that is okay. Instead, I point them in a different direction with trusted colleagues, so that they can find a therapist that is the right fit.

Here is a list of 7 hard truths that come from growing up as the child of an immigrant:

1. There is a lot of pressure to perform

When you are the child of an immigrant, chances are that your parents will constantly tell you to try hard and try harder. There is this pressure to make coming to the States worth it. I completely understand coming to the United States to have a better life but children of immigrants can often feel this pressure and do not have coping skills to cope with the enormous stress. This pressure that they either get directly or indirectly from their parents can turn into full-blown anxiety disorders as a result of needing to perform well for their parents who have sacrificed so much.

I often work with adults to unpack this in deeper trauma-type therapy to help them feel “good enough” so that they don’t feel crippled by anxiety. Where they can feel calm and confident as they approach life.

2. There is often untreated trauma in the family

Immigrating to a new country can be traumatic for people and the trauma does not magically go away after a family settles. Lots of Latinx families do not talk about what they went through, they do not process the trauma, and they do not heal from what they went through. Instead, they do the best that they can, all while still caring for lots of pain from the past.

These unhealed traumas can show up in poor communication, blaming and shaming, and lots of harmful behaviors. We don’t want to excuse a person's behavior but we can increase awareness of why these are the way that they are. This is often the first step in healing.

This is something that is a sore spot for me personally because my family struggled with a lot of trauma and it is something that we did not grow up talking about. Part of my own healing journey has been about learning how to process what my family has been through in therapy and being able to bring this back to my own family to have more compassion with family members so that we can heal together.

3. You will experience a lot of first and will often feel behind. You are not stupid.

The amount of “firsts” that you will experience as the child of an immigrant will be countless. To this day I am still experiencing firsts. And parts of me get angry, and parts of me are working on being more compassionate. It is a journey when you are healing as the child of an immigrant. Something that I encourage my clients is to have loving kindness for themselves as they heal. It really is a lifelong journey.

It is so important to remember that you are not stupid for not knowing how to do something. When you are the child of an immigrant, you don't have passed down knowledge, you don’t have the know-how that others have. Like navigating the school system, figuring out healthcare, and figuring out finances. You are not stupid, your family is not stupid. But those feelings of feeling behind are very real and it is so important to work with a trusted therapist so that you don’t let negative feelings keep you from living your life.

A common example is when a person went through the school system being labeled as a bad child, but really they needed testing in order to find out that they are neurodivergent or struggle with a learning disability. Something that many children of immigrants don’t get is proper testing in school because that often requires a parent to know about this kind of stuff in order to meet their child's needs. It can really be a cycle that never ends for children who then find themselves “catching up” as adults.

4. You end up being punished for normal kid things

This one is related to the other point I made about unhealed family trauma. A parent who is an immigrant is often stressed and doing the best that they can. Children screaming, jumping on couches, and being well, kids, will often trigger parents who are immigrants because this is a lot for a traumatized person to handle. Parents will often hit or spank their children when they are not able to regulate their own feelings. Plus that is how they were parented. For the Latinx and other BIPOC folks, this is also related to colonialism and fear being used to control. Lots of deep things to unpack in therapy. Not to excuse their behavior, but to accept that they did the best they could is one of the toughest things my clients work through.

It isn’t easy work, but it can be so healing and freeing once we let go of what we didn’t get as a child. Instead, the work I do with clients is to help them heal those inner wounds either in individual or couples therapy to help them find new ways to meet the needs that went unmet as a child.

5. As an adult you have to learn how to regulate your emotions

So if your parent struggled to regulate their own feelings, it only makes sense why the child of an immigrant would struggle to regulate their own feelings too. It can come as a shocker for adult children of emotionally immature parents when they learn that other people were actually taught how to take care of their feelings. I know for myself this was mind-blowing. This can really impact your most precious relationship, like with your partner, friends, and your children.
A specialty therapy area of mine is working with folks who come from different backgrounds (race, class, culture, immigration history), really working on unpacking how their family of origin continues to impact them. Often this shows up in how we communicate with our partners.

It can be heartbreaking as an adult child of an immigrant to come to this realization and it can be a bit jarring, working with a therapist can really help. Therapy can help you learn about how feelings manifest in your body and how to take care of them because feelings are not bad. Feelings are information, and it is so important to listen to the feelings we have so that we can use them as guidance as we make choices that best align with our values.

6. As an adult you have to unpack your relationship with money

Being the child of an immigrant often means that you grew up poor. That there were some nights when food was not always available, that your parents often went into debt, and that bills were not always paid on time. This can be a lot for a child to deal with, even if no one explains it to them. Often kids will pick up on their family's situation and this will internalize into anxiety and other mental health struggles.

These struggles don’t go away as an adult and can often continue well into adult life. This can look like emotional spending, avoiding conversations with your partner about money, and getting really uncomfortable when looking at your finances. Working on your money mindset as an adult is so important. Doing this can help you finally get your finances in order. You can further unpack this with a therapist or a financial coach depending on what your goals are.

7. As an adult you are left to process lots of childhood stuff

I can’t quit remembering what training I heard this but it has been so helpful when thinking about trauma. That people are more like cloves of garlic, not onions. Garlic has lots of cloves and those cloves have lots of layers. I like how it is more complex because that is exactly how childhood trauma can feel.

When I work with clients to treat their complex childhood trauma, it is often layers and layers. It is something that takes a skilled and compassionate therapist to be able to walk with you and unpack, reorganize, and heal from growing up in a chaotic childhood home. This is very much the case for children of immigrants, but also for others who grew up in military homes, parents who struggled with chronic illness, and lots of other situations.

Everyone’s experience with immigration and being part of a family who has recently immigrated is different. It can cause lots of feelings and complicated thoughts. Unpacking this with a therapist can really support you in your healing journey. You don’t have to walk alone.

With Warmth,

Elisa Blair