**Am I the problem? Why is it so hard to fit in. Maybe it’s the ADHD**.
**It is 2am and your mind is racing. Thoughts and thoughts and you can’t sleep.**

What is wrong with me? Why do things seem to go wrong, why is it so hard for me to get my life together? I am tired all the time and I HATE conflict. Am I just attracting bad people and drama? Why do I fight with my partner, husband, wife, friends all the time? Maybe I am just overly sensitive. Am I the problem? Why can’t I just fit in.

Going through life feeling like you don’t fit in can be such a painful experience. Maybe you are a little too loud, a little too quiet, quirky, or just not mainstream. When you have thoughts, opinions, and behaviors that are different from others it can be hard to form secure and fulfilling relationships. Being too different from others can also cause you to have more misunderstandings with others leading to fights, breakups, or people slowly losing touch with you. Could you be neurodivergent and have ADHD? It is worth finding out.

And if it turns out I do have ADHD, now what? So how do you heal from years of not fitting in or pretending to fit in? It is not a straightforward answer. It could be untreated ADHD, unprocessed attachment wounds, or something else entirely. But here are some guidelines to help you recover from not fitting in, being bullied, or constantly feeling othered or like you are not normal.

Step one: Put the experience into words

Often people take several months just trying to put words to this experience. They hear about other people’s stories and their journey to an ADHD diagnosis. Words help us make sense of our lives by putting experiences into stories. And these stories are what we make meaning from. The meaning we make can really impact our insecurities and EMDR therapy can really help, but more on that in a bit.

You can put words to your experience by journaling, creating art, or talking with a therapist. Often it can be helpful to work with a therapist who has some of the same lived experiences as you do, to help you feel safer to explore your own sense of self in a deeper more holistic way. This could be working with a therapist who has ADHD, is the same culture or race as you, or someone just fits your personality. As a mixed-race Latina therapist, who grew up in a family where mental health struggles were not talked about. But instead people were just labeled as difficult. I have some unique life experiences that I have personally work through and continue to make sense of. I am honored every time I get to work with clients who are trying to make sense of the things I myself had to make sense of. The impacts that our culture and upbringing have on our attachment styles can really shape how we show up, not only in our relationships, but even in feeling secure in work, friendships, and purpose.

Step two: Get the right diagnosis and treatment

I have lots of mixed feelings on DSM-5 labels. At the end of the day, I really do believe people are having normal reactions to unhealthy environments. Including being neurodivergent in a world that is not neurodivergent-friendly. However, having a diagnosis can be life-changing for people who want to make sense of feeling like something is wrong with them. A proper diagnosis can help someone ground themselves in knowing they are not the only ones who have felt this way and they can seek out specialty treatment to help them get their life back on track. It gives you hope when you thought you were just doomed to be miserable.

It is so important that you work with a therapist who has enough training to rule out things that might be part of the reason you feel like an outsider, weird, and different. Often people diagnosed with ADHD later in life have this big ah ha moment once they realize their struggles were really untreated and unrecognized symptoms of ADHD. Not just anxiety or depression. The same can be true for lots of other diagnoses, like OCD and complex trauma. A good therapist cannot specialize in everything but a good therapist should be able to help rule some stuff out, staff with their colleagues who are experts in different areas, and know when to help you reach out for more testing or specialized care. If you don’t feel supported by your therapist please talk with them about this and when in doubt consider searching for a new therapist. Life is too short to go to therapy year after year without feeling better.

Treatment for late-diagnosed ADHD, not fitting in, and relationship issues is important.

Working with a therapist who can offer you valuable skills on how to manage your ADHD is important. You will need to learn how to create a life where you are thriving with ADHD by learning executive function skills.
But you might also need help releasing the stress that has accumulated in your body from years of not knowing you were ADHD. Often talk therapy is not enough and deeper therapies like Emotionally focused therapy and EMDR therapy can be so helpful in releasing past trauma and stress. Plus it can help you feel more confident going forward with future templates with business endeavors performance, and building up your social circles (Call and ask me about this).

Step three: Work with a therapist who can help you address attachment wounds as a result of not knowing you had ADHD all these years.

Yes, you need practical tools and skills to help you manage ADHD. But skills are not the only thing you will need to have a healthy and thriving life. Living with undiagnosed ADHD can mean years of accumulated stressors that are still stuck in your body making it hard to live a full, happy, successful life.

Working with a therapist who is trained and knowledgeable in attachment theory and therapy, like emotionally focused therapy, can really support you in your healing journey. Same is true for working with a therapist that offers more than just talk therapy. Approaches that are more body-based therapies, like EMDR therapy, can really help you release stress in your body and rewire your brain so that you show up more calm, confident, and secure in your day-to-day life. Whether that is feeling more confident and achieving more in your work life or having deep and fulfilling close relationships.

Step four: Find spaces where you feel loved and accepted, Masking is not the answer.

Often people struggle to find spaces where they truly fit in. In my therapy practice, I often explore with people what their community looks like so that we can work on making it feel more fulfilling, warm, and accepting. Often people surround themselves with people who are not healthy for them causing more stress and a constant feeling of being out of place, weird, and a difficultly, overly emotional sensitive person.

At least a few times I remind my clients to put effort into building up their community. Most people are very lonely and lacking in true connection with others. People just don’t have solid friendship circles like they use to. But making friends and building up your social circles is very possible and you will be surprised just how much better you will feel.

There are lots of local places and meetups in San Diego to help you find community. Whether you are in Mission Valley near San Diego State or over by the beach in La Jolla, you can find tons to do. The hardest step is admitting you need to work on your community and friendships. Then check out local events at the library, malls, and beaches. Whether is food, books, or sports, you can find people who make you feel good.

I often suggest book clubs, group workout classes, and checking out a class at a local community college or art studio. The key is do something you already like or could see yourself liking. Don’t go to a local brewery or bar meet-up if you are not not into drinking. There are lots of hobbies and activities out there (and lots of people who are also secretly wanting more friends, that could be you!)

More about Elisa Blair, an LMFT and local San Diego Couples Therapist and EDMR Therapist.

Hi! My name is Elisa. Hopefully, something in this article made you feel less alone and gave you some hope for when you feel like you just don’t fit in. I have been there too. And so have lots of others and I hope you reach out for support.

I am local to San Diego, right here in Mission Valley, but only offer online couples and individual relationship therapy at this time. My main specialties are mixed racial and cultural couples, and individuals struggling with relationships, adult ADHD or late diagnosis ADHD, and inner child trauma healing.

As a therapist who is the daughter of a Mexican immigrant, it is my passion to help others who have complicated family dynamics and to openly talk about the things no one likes to talk about. I often work with folks who feel like something is wrong with them. Clients who work with me often wonder if they have ADHD or have unhealed trauma (somtimes its both!) Often the things we are bothered by and dealing with today have its roots way back and helping your inner child let go of that can make a huge difference in the present day. I do this by combining different times of therapies all aimed at helping you feel calmer and more confident in your body and mind. If you would like to learn more read my other blogs or check out my about me page. You can also reach out and I would love to set up a time to chat to talk about how therapy with me can help.

With Warmth,

Elisa Blair