Money issues are one of the most common stressors that people experience.

Whether it is struggling to pay the bills, struggling to spend money in a healthy way, or just feeling overwhelmed learning about personal finace, people stress a lot about money. As a therapist I see this in all the time in my San Diego therapy practice.

I am not a financial expert but the feelings about money is something I often talk about with my clients and here is what I have learned. Sometimes it is something shared with me from the beginning, like when a couple comes in and they report finances as a reason they are considering separating. Sometimes I find this out later as an area of concern, like when I am working with someone who is telling me stories about how they never feel secure about their finances and have no idea why they can’t stop spending money they don’t have. Even more, I even get clients where on the surface they are totally okay with finances, they are able to pay their bills on time, and are able to have a good enough savings account, but still they report that they hate their relationship with money. They hate running the money side of their business. They hate talking to their romantic partners about money. Some people are frugal to a fault, and they can’t spend it on things that they know would increase their happiness, like that yoga class they love or a well-deserved weekend away at a nicer hotel. I promise you, you are not alone with money issues. And it might be worth it to unpack it further.

Healing your relationship with money in 3 steps.

Healing your money mindset is doable. If I could sum it up in the best way pssible, I would say healing your money relationsihp can fall into three steps.

Step one: accept that you have an issue with money.

Maybe it’s missing bills, spending as soon as you get your paycheck, or a deep feeling of guilt when you spend money you do have. In therapy, I will ask my clients lots of questions to help us make sense of what their relationship with money looks like. As a Latina therapist, I often work with other clients of color who came from homes where money felt like a bad word. So this step in therapy, just talking about it and getting curious is often a big step for my clients. For me it was not planning ahead and living in the short term, because it could all go away anyway, and this was something I didn’t realize I was doing. I had to do a lot of reflection and personal finance growth.

Step two: Get clear on the messages you have acquired about money.

We get messages all the time about money, from work, from friends, from family. And if we aren’t careful we will internalize money messages that are not healthy. A common unhealthy message I hear from my clients is that saying no will make them a bad person. Like no to a vacation with family they cannot afford, or no to going out to drinks every Friday with friends. Boundaries will help you be better with your money.

Step three: Heal your nervous system.

Talking about money stressors, learning about personal finances, and even taking steps toward building wealth is only the start. Often people will still find it hard to start or even keep up their goals with money because the money stressors and money traumas still exist in their bodies. This is why working with a therapist is such a good idea when you are trying to overcome money issues. Often it connects with a wounded inner child or something else more complicated. I think working with a money coach can be a great idea, as long as it is a highly trained professional, one who knows not to overstep into the therapy territory. But if you want to just work with a therapist from the beginning, I suggest one who knows how to treat issues from a more body-based approach, like EMDR therapy or innerchild therapy. As a first-generation Latina therapist, I can speak from personal experience just how healing body-based therapies can be and does wonders to heal generational trauma because talk therapy sometimes can only go so far.

Mission Valley, La Jolla, and Downtown San Diego have lots of great options for therapists who can help you gain more confidence with money so that you can thrive and really feel good about money.

How money trauma is passed down.

Money trauma can be passed down in lots of different ways. Just take a moment and reflect on how your parents treated money. Were they stressed? Did they talk about it? Was it something that was just the worst? If that’s the case how can you work on letting that go, acknowledging that it no longer serves a purpose. And now as yourself what kind of relationship would you like to have with money? And how are you going to make that happen? Working with a therapist can help you gain more clarity around these money goals, because we less people fear money, and the better we all are for it.

3 signs you need to work on your relationship to money.

Maybe you aren’t sure you have an issue with money or maybe you are sure about how severe your money issues are. That’s okay. Unpacking your money mindset and possible trauma around money can be complex. Here are the common things I see in my Mission Valley Therapy Practice.

You have an avoidance to all things money. This means that you don’t know your numbers, you don’t have any idea what your net worth is or let alone what that really means.
You do a lot of all-or-nothing thinking when it comes to money. All-or-nothing thinking is a common thing in psychology where we are extreme in our thinking and we refuse to see the grey or nuance or in between of things. For example when it comes to money, maybe you think everything should be saved or everything should be spent. When in reality our relationship with money should be somewhere in the middle.
You feel extremely frugal or restrictive with your money. Being restrictive is something I see as a common result of people who grew up poor. It is a coping response to not knowing if there was going to be enough money for the light bill or to be able to put dinner in the table. I see this with lots of my clients where they are doing really good now as adults. They have good incomes, and good savings, and still, they live in this fear that it can all be taken away. This is why again I urge you to work on your money stuff. You can have a more confident relationship with money.

Money coaching vs therapy for money issues.

I have a lot of thoughts on coaching vs therapy, because as a licensed therapist who has spent years studying clinical psychology, and who is held responsible by a board to ensure clients are ethically and legally not harmed, I hate seeing people get hurt by coaches. Not all coaches are bad. And lots of coaches are actually retired therapists who want more flexibility with their work as they travel or as their clients travel among other things. But there are lots of sketchy things that go on in the coaching world because coaching is not regulated. Anyone can call themselves a coach.

There are some good money coaches out there, but make sure they are qualified. And when in doubt just pick a therapist who can help you with a more solution-focused approach. Not all therapists will just sit back and ask you how that makes you feel. There are lots of therapists out there, myself included, that are more conversational and will tailor the therapy to fit your needs.

How to talk to your partner about money.

As a San Diego EFT couples therapist, money issues are one of the most common issues that bring couples in. Many people don’t unpack their own individual relationships with money and then these problems are only magnified when they pair up with another person. Now fights about spending vs saving, or what to spend on are causing these couples to have heated arguments where they feel hurt, angry, and disconnected from one another. Remember you are a team and money is something the two of you are working on together, not against. If this sounds overwhelming or impossible, then working with a couples therapist might be your best best. I recommend a therapist who can help you address your dynamic as a couple, something that emotionally focused therapy for couples is great at. I am a Latina couples and relationship therapist who is trained emotionally focused couples therapist here in San Diego, and attachment theory can really be a game changer for couples who keep fighting about money.

I hope this blog post helped you feel less alone in your struggles with money. There are a lot of great free resources out there, just be mindful of who you listen to. Don’t listen to financial experts who shame you for doing money wrong. Instead look to people who give clear information, and want you to feel good about money. Plus this stuff can get pretty complicated and deep, consider reaching out to a therapist. You’ve got this!

With Warmth,

Elisa Blair