How childhood trauma impacts play and rest in adulthood.
Are you finding yourself more irritable these days? Finding yourself unsure about where you are going and what you are working towards? Maybe you feel like you have some steps to get done first, and then things will be fine. My life will start after I finish this degree or class, my life will begin after I get that promotion, after I get married, after….But guess what. Your life is right now. These thoughts can be all too common for someone who has experienced childhood trauma. And remember, trauma is anything that is not nurturing. I am here to tell you just how important rest and play is for adults and why it can be so hard for those who have experienced childhood trauma to rest and play as adults.
People who have had trauma in their childhood often have their nervous system wired in a way that can continue to impact them in adulthood. Our nervous systems, our brains, do a pretty amazing job of getting us through some pretty thought things. But what happens when life is not so dangerous or chaotic? Well sometimes we find ways to keep the chaos and energy going at full speed. Rest becomes scary. Slow periods are seen as boring. Play is something that is seen as a waste of time.
Maybe you are the type of person that is always on the go? After completing a goal or hitting that mark, you find yourself looking for the next goal, the next thing to push yourself to succeed? There is nothing wrong with having goals and working hard towards those goals, but we want to make sure we have balance. And lately I have noticed a lot of people are lacking in having that balance. As a trauma and couples therapist, I notice how rigid people can get, and how hard they feel the pull to accomplish. Only after they accomplish this can they start doing life. Lately I find myself asking people in my online California therapy practice, when was the last time that they played. And people often look at me with puzzled eyes.
I am here to tell you to chill out a bit. Odds are if you were saying yes to those questions I posed earlier in this blog, you are probably a bit stressed or feeling burnt out. But for some reason you feel like there is a drive within you that won’t be quiet and there's a voice in your head that compels you to do more. Keep reading to learn why this way of doing life will bring you anxiety and depression. And keep on reading to learn why play is so important, even for adults.
Oftentimes people will struggle with finding that balance between working hard and playing or resting. Often people feel like rest and play is a waste of their time. They find themselves feeling like they have so much to do, that they are years behind. And I often am very blunt with my clients in asking behind who? Who the heck are you comparing yourself to and why?
People love to work. Whether you are working on your marriage or working on yourself, you need moments of rest, moments of play. We cannot go day in and day feeling like we are working on a house project that never ends. And that is where many of the people I work with find themselves. They feel like they are constantly on this self improvement journey.
Often in my clinical therapy work with people, we find that this tendency to work extremely hard has to do with messages they internalized at a young age. As a daughter of an immigrant I can relate to being pushed to be the best at school and to never disappoint my family. Afterall my family came here so that the younger generations could have a better life. In theory it sounds good and I do believe the intentions are good, but I know first hand how this can turn into endly drive. It can feel like you are on the hamster wheel of chasing and chasing. Talk about stress. More stress means more anxiety and depression all fueled by negative core beliefs.
But why do people do this to themselves? It is because there is something deep down that feels like that person is not enough. That they are not accomplished enough. That they don’t make enough. That they are not stable enough. That they are not smart enough. It really can be a number of things. In my therapy work with people, it can often be traced back to a trauma. And remember, my definition of trauma is anything that is not nurturing.
If you are a BIPOC or child of an immigrant like me, maybe you can relate to needing to pay back the sacrifices that your parents and family made for you. If you were raised by emotionally immature parents or your parents were absent, maybe you find yourself struggling with feeling the need to be responsible to an extreme end. Fun is not allowed. Fun and play are a waste of time. Time you can use learning, cleaning, or helping others. Honestly I often reference Lucia from Encanto to my client all the time. That song Pressure, hit deep for so many people. But guess what there is no award for the most tired, the most worked. You can be enough and live life at a slower pace with more ease.
If you're looking for a sign to take a breath and work on rest, please use this as one. I wish you restful moments in this season of life. Life is the journey not the destination. Having goals is wonderful and can help a person create some direction, but living for the future can make the present feel like a chore. When people are more present in their day to day life, they tend to feel less anxious, less depressed, and more satisfied with their relationships.
In addition to making room to rest as an adult, especially an adult who might be recovering from childhood traumas, it is important to play. Yes, play. Play is not just for kids, and it is something I often tell my clients in California therapy practice that they need more of. Play in adulthood is so important for a number of different reasons. Play can help you reduce and relieve stress. Play can help you think more creatively. Play can help you better connect with other people.
People often struggle to play as adults for many of the same reasons that they struggle with rest. Their upbringing and family background may not have allowed for play or not nearly enough play. Think about how often we tell kids to behave and not to be goofy. How often we tell kids to sit still. How often we tell kids to be more serious because it is more appropriate or respectful. Play is often taught to us to be a waste of time. Now just take a moment and think about how that message can play out in an adult's life.
Some kids play in a way that is honestly just work in deguise. Such as playing sports, especially year round competitive club sports or joining clubs. Often this is done for the resume boost and not for joy. Thankfully this generation of parents seem to be noticing the importance of play for their kiddos as it improves learning, emotional wellbeing, and social connection. Gentle and conscious parenting for the win! But nevertheless it is important that we keep playing even as we age.
Recently we had a leak in our bedroom following a pretty bad storm and we found ourselves sleeping in the living room. I was thrilled. Something about camping int he living room connected me to being a playful 5 year old. My husband and I were able to connect in such a silly, playful way. And now I am thinking that this is going to be a fun date night request. Blow up bed, the latest HBO movie release, and popcorn. Yes please.
I hope that you take a moment to assess how much fun and rest you are currently having in your life and I want you to think about if there is a balance between work and play or rest. Don’t feel bad if you notice that you pour more energy into work. Honestly it is something I think is trained into us. Look at the ratio between work and play in school growing up. I am hopeful that people realized that life is so much more than work after the pandemic. Our work and home lives were blurred and I know many of my clients were shocked at how much work they expected from them even while everyone was unsure about where the world was headed. Now that people are making their way back to work, it is so important that we don’t fall back into ways of doing. Instead my wish is that we all continue to find more balance between work, rest, and play.