How to be a better parent and break cycles.
Ever find yourself thinking about how terrible of a parent you are or stressed about whether you are doing parenting right? You are not alone. Parenting is one of the most stressful roles that you will ever play. Maybe you realize that there are some things that you grew up with that you just don’t want to pass down. Maybe you were harmed either by abuse or by overbearing expectations. Now here you are parenting and wondering if you are screwing it all up. Breaking intergenerational trauma can happen as we decide what kind of parent we want to be. Keep reading and I will share some of my most tried and true parenting tips that build emotionally intelligent children and create deeper bonds with our kids.
But real quick…if you are reading this post, odds are you care deeply about your kids and you are willing to read an article on how to be a better parent. Like woah, that is huge. That takes guts. So I just want you to know that you probably are a good parent, because good parents want to learn how to be better. Good parents google things like “how to be a better parent” or “what can I do to help my kid with their feelings.” And what better way, than some light reading on some tips for being a better parent. Now let’s dive in!
Turn towards your child.
Often parents will ignore children, intentionally or even unintentionally. Ignoring children can harm their self esteem and create problem behaviors. Kids crave attention; to them you are their whole world. It is important to honor this and turn towards your child when they ask for you.
Turn towards your child.
Now I get it, this is not always easy and you have things that you have to do; it cannot be eyes on me the whole time. But there are ways to turn toward your child even if you cannot give them your full attention at that moment. Even if you are in the middle of something, saying “I can see that you need me, give mommy 5 minutes and I will be there.” Being clear with your child helps them regulate and understand you’ll be there when they ask for you. A lifelong sense of security.
Think about what might be getting in the way of being able to turn towards your child? Are you bringing office work home with you? Or mindlessly scrolling on social media? More often than not, parents that I work with will not realize how much time they will spend on their phones. Not too long ago, I heard a story where a kid told her dad, “Daddy do you love your phone more than me.” Let that sink in. Our phones are so accessible, but some of the greatest feedback I can give people is to cut back on the phones. When you are home, REALLY be home, mindfully present.
Regulate you own feelings and model them.
Being aware of and managing your own feelings is one of the best things you can do in order to show up as the best version of yourself as a parent. Being mindful of what you are feeling will go a long way in being able to figure out how to cope with the emotion. Too often we don’t notice an emotion until it is big, and the more intense the emotion, the harder it is to manage. Emotions are not bad, even being angry or sad. It is part of the human experience. Regulating our feelings and emotions can help us make better choices as a parent. We owe it to ourselves and our kiddos to take care of our feelings.
Modeling how you cope with a feeling is huge for creating little humans who grow up to be emotionally savvy adults who are prepared to handle that crazy world out there. Show them how a family can have conflict and resolve it in a healthy way. Show them how you can come home in a bad mood and take a shower to wash the day away and make the rest of the evening enjoyable. Show them rejection can be redirection. And one of my favorites, show them that they can ask for help and have a healthy sense of dependence and independence all in one.
Share how you feel.
So remember how I said feelings aren’t bad? And that regulating your emotions helps you to be a better parent? Well sharing how you feel is another great way to help boost your child's emotional intelligence! A great skill is modeling feelings. Often we come from homes where feelings were not talked about, but it is a skill you can learn. And learning this skill can help you break harmful patterns and heal from intergenerational trauma. We are expressive creatures and our kids deserve to see the grown ups in their life manage complex things like feelings in healthy ways.
This means saying things like “Daddy is excited because we are planning to see family this weekend.” or “Mommy is a little irritated right now, it has been a long day.” A big no no is saying “You make me sad when….you don’t love me when..” I cringe on the inside when I hear parents speak to their children this way. Speaking in this way makes children responsible for the feelings of others. Something that is not possible and can lead to a lot of anxiety in the form of people pleasing, not being able to be assertive, and not valuing their own opinion. Instead share that you are upset at the situation, not them. Here is a great worksheet going over how to share feelings.
Adjust your relationship with them as they age.
Help them make the choices that is right for them.
Adjust your relationship with them as they age.
It is so important to adjust the relationship that you have with your child as they become older. When they are babies, your job is essential to keep them alive, but as they get older that role changes. As toddlers they are testing the waters, they don’t need you to be on them 24/7, they need to explore, while keeping you as a safe home base (within reason of course!) As young children, they need your help in relating to the rest of the world, as they continue to form their identity. This means some more healthy separation so they can learn that they’ve got it. Then as teens, when they are vulnerable as they go through major body shifts and psychological shifts, they need to know that you are there even when they drive you up a wall. They need security more than ever. Then as adults, yes your job is never done, they need you to cheer them on and reassure them that they know what is best for them.
Radical Acceptance.
Radical acceptance as a parent is huge! Like huge! Radical acceptance refers to accepting the situation for what it is. Accepting yourself today for who you are. That phrase “it is what it is” can be a mantra, if you will, when learning this skill. So you are saying that I have to like this terrible situation? No. Acceptance is not approval. And acceptance can actually lead to change.
For example, a parent can accept that they are having a rough moment, a colic baby, a testy teen, AND they can acknowledge that things are going to be temporary or perhaps that a change will be made.
Check out this video to learn more about radical acceptance!
Ask for help.
Last but certainly not least, it is so important to ask for help. No one gets a trophy for being the most tired. Let me say that again. No one gets a trophy for being the most tired, the most stress, the most worn out. Help is so needed, it absolutely takes a village to raise a child. And a village can look so different from one child to the next, and that is okay. Not only will you be a better parent who feels connection more than deep loneliness, but you will be modeling for your child that asking for help is a good thing. We are social creatures and thrive on connection with others. So find your group, your village. When a parent is supported, they are a great force.