How to get someone to seek out a professional therapist for their depression or anxiety in Scottsdale, Arizona

In today’s post I will talk about how to convince someone to go to therapy, but it is more effective to create a culture in your friendships and family where talking about mental health is not a bad thing. This will make it a hundred times easier to suggest therapy to your anxious, depressed, or rock bottom friend, family memeber, or partner.

It can be hard to convince someone to go to therapy, the stigma, the courage to look at ourselves thorugougly, makes sense why people wait months, often year until they finally say it is time.

As a therapist who has gone to therapy and still goes as needed, I can tell you first hand it isn’t the easiest thing to call up a therapist. I have my own therapist thinking traps or cognitive distortions. I often minimize my problems. My brain goes I am an expert who has read the books, I can handle this myself. But it is hard to look at the blindspots with out a professional highlighting your blind spots, because well they are blindspots.

Plus people don’t like being forced to do things. Instead we like to have free will and choice. People who are forced to go to therapy rarely have enough buy in to actually benefit from therapy. But if your are able to see this as an active choice to better your life, then therapy might actully help you over come your anxiety, depression, or truamas so that you can live a fuller life.

Couples therapy is often one partner being dragged in

I often work with couples and it is rare that both people in the relationship are 100% wanting to come into therapy. Usually one person is more of the initiator of therapy. This also tends to be the person who does more of the emotional labor of the home, who brings up important conversations, and who actively worries outloud about the state of their relationship. For therapy to be helpful, I have to get both people to trust the process early on, otherwise it is like forcing a horse to drink water. You can’t.

Thankfully, as a therapist in Scottsdale Arizona who works with interracial partnerships and BIPOC folks, I have seen a shift of people being more proactive to couples therapy. Couples are wanting to address issues before they become big and want to create better relationships that the ones their parents had. Shout out to the generational cycle breakers!

So before we get into tips for convincing someone to go to therapy, lets think about a healthier culture where we don’t wait for rock bottom moments to convince us that somethings gotta change. We can do this by changing the culture of how you are with the people in your inner circles. By talking about your mental health, what you are currently working on, and what has helped you the most to heal from your past hurts. This makes suggesting therapy to someone who might need it easier because it doesn’t feel so out of the blue.

Creating a culture where we talk about our feelings

How do we change the culture around asking for help and how to know when we are struggling? When people ask you how you are, you can be honest. You can say a little bit about what has been bothering you and how you are working through it, or what you yourself recently worked on in therapy. Again this isn’t to emotionally dump on people. This will shift how the people around you view emotions, and stress, and could empower them to talk more about how they really feel. All of this will make it easier to suggest therapy when you see a person you really care about struggling.

Okay here are some tips for convincing someone they need to go to therapy.

Four tips for getting someone to go to couples therapy or individual therapy

1. Bring up the conversion of going to therapy in private

Nobody likes having uncomfortable conversations in public. If you have someone in your life who you think needs therapy, make sure this is a one-on-one conversation in a private location. The goal is to set the tone for the conversation, this means the space and timing is key, when suggesting the need for some professional help. They may always complain to you, or maybe you have noticed their mood being off. Make sure that the two of you are in a private space, and you could gently suggest that therapy was helpful for you when you felt stuck. Validate that it is hard to even having this conversation with them. And that you want to have the kind of relationship with them and others. Where there is honesty and compassion for one another’s well being. And that you would hope they could be brave enough to tell you if they think your in need help.

2. Highlighting specific things about their behavior

When you are trying to convince someone that they should consider therapy, see their behavior not them as a person. Maybe this person is depressed, but don’t say they are a depressed person. Instead share how you noticed that they spend all their time at home, that they seem really tired. Or maybe that they having been picking fights with you, which is not the norm. Think about how you would like someone to approach you while not allowing you to continue to be harmful to yourself or others. Be clear about one or two things related to their behavior not their character to help prevent them from getting defensive.

3. Share your own experience with therapy

You don’t have to trauma dump and go into all the details about what therapy was like for you. But sharing that you have gone to therapy or that you are actively looking for a therapist too, can help bring the two of you closer together. You could share how you are trying out a different approach like EMDR therapy, and how this finally helps you stop intellectualizing your feelings and problems, helping you get to the root of your own issues. This can help the person who you are trying to convince to go to therapy to see therapy as a normal thing to turn to when times get tough. It can be helpful to share how going to therapy was awkward at first or how it was nothing like what you have seen on TV (it rarely is!)

4. Offer to help them look for a therapist

Finding a therapist can be really overwhelming. There are lots of things to consider when finding the right therapist. Do you want to go in person or is online therapy better for your busy life? Do you want a therapist with a similar background? I am a Latina therapist in an interracial partnership, and a bulk of my clients seek me out for my unique lived experience of what it means to navigate mental health issues when you come from families who are just focused on surviving and not thriving. Finding a therapist who feels like the right fit is easier than ever. Thankfully a google searches like “Latina therapist” or “therapy for interracial couples” “EMDR therapy near me” can help you find a therapist.

3 ways to ask your partner to come to couples therapy with you

As a Latina couples therapist who works with interracial couples I know the struggle of trying to get your partner to come with you to therapy. More often than not, it is one partner calling in, often the anxious partner who is tired of fighting all the time. And in that initial call, I reframe how it can be frustrating and how it shows just how much you care for this person and this relationship. It is pre therapy to help set the stage for whats to come. It usually helps, because no one wants to feel like the one with the problem in couples therapy. No one likes to be forced to go somewhere, especially therapy.

Here are three things you can try to convince your partner to come to couples therapy with you

Make it about you and not them. Share that you are struggling to find the right way to communicate with them and how you want to learn how to solve issues in a healthier way. Share how you have been feeling irritable and how this is not fair to either of you. By owning how you feel and what you want to work on, your partner is likely to be more open to coming into therapy. Simply because you are admitting that it takes two, and it is not all their fault.
Find some therapist. Share that you have picked a short list of therapist and that you would like their help picking one. Offer up three choices and go to the consultations together. If you both are able to be part of the phone consultation, odds are you are both going to be more committed as a team in therapy.
Stay away from ultimatums. If someone is coming into therapy because divorce papers are on the table, odds are therapy is going to be a long and difficult road and could very well end in failing to save the marriage. By threatening the ending of the relationship you are eroding trust in the relationship and you are making it harder to feel emotionally safe to do the work together. Instead share how you really need help and you want someone to help you learn how to be a better partner. Again make it about you and not them.

3 reasons it is so hard to go to therapy

Going to therapy is not as simple as calling up a therapist and making a session for later that week. There is a lot of mental preparation that the average person goes through until they finally make that phone call. Going to therapy can be scary and can feel weird, especially if you came from a home where people didn’t go to therapy, let alone talk about their feelings.

Going to therapy is hard because no one in your family has gone to therapy before

I often work with BIPOC clients, and as a Latina therapist, we often talk about how feelings were shown but not named, causing lots of tension. This is why I often suggested EMDR therapy to help people address how these memories have impacted their nervous systems.

Going to therapy is hard because it is not the right time

As a therapist who has gone to therapy and continues to go every now and then for on going work and maintenance, I know very well how we can fall into mind traps. Do these phrases sound familiar?

‘Things aren’t that bad, I just need to journal and exercise more.”

“I am too busy right now, once work slows down I will think about it.”

“It is going to take to much time out of my week, time I don’t have.”

Yup, been there. Those are actual statements I have told myself. But guess what? Those are just my own mental gymnastics meant to keep me barely surviving. Something I am working on undoing. This is my own generational work, to heal from generations of my family pushing themselves just to make it another day.

Going to therapy is hard because fear

Fear is often the reason we don’t do the things we want to do or need to do, that includes asking for a raise, asking someone out, and even going to therapy. You might be afriad of what you will uncover and afraid that it will make things worse. You might be worried about actually having to make changes that might be uncomfortable or even painful. Like ending or putting big boundaries on relationships, leaving a toxic job, or addressing childhood traumas with inner child therapy.

Working with the right therapist can help you address these fears and help you make a plan to go at a comfortable pace. Therapy can really help and working on yourself can really help you get the life that you deserve. A life where you aren’t so stressed, tired, and one where you are actually thriving.

As a Scottsdale based therapist who is dually licensed in Arizona and California, offering therapy services, I know it can be hard to reach out for help. And it can be even harder to convince someone you care about to go to therapy. Trust that you’ll go to therapy or that the person you care about will go to therapy when the time is right. And that sometimes all you can do is plant seeds and hope they take root.

With Warmth,

Elisa Blair