Your mind can literally make you sick with worry when you are a perfectionist. Our brain is a beautiful powerhouse but there are some thinking errors that can lead to some pretty terrible feelings. Perfectionists often struggle with anxiety, depression, and emotional sensitivity, making it hard to function at their best at work and at home. As a practicing licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in relationship issues and attachment, I have worked with clients in both California and Arizona online who struggle with worry, anxiety, and perfectionism. In the following post, I want to share the most common thinking mistakes that people with perfectionism struggle with.

All or Nothing Thinking aka Black and White Thinking is common for Perfectionists

All-or-nothing thinking can make a perfectionist see things in their life in a very rigid way, and often this thinking skews in a negative way. Black and White Thinking can stress a person out because their brains go into this fight or flight mode, where things are either good or bad, with little room for the in-between or gray area. This makes it hard for perfection to be okay with good enough. Because good enough is not great and therefore bad. A negative thinking spiral can keep a perfectionist or anxious person up at night. Inner child therapy or EMDR therapy can help with this thinking pattern.

The problem with All or Nothing Thinking is that life is very rarely yes or no, or good or bad. Life is much more nuanced than that. Often a person who is anxious will think in a way that gets them into trouble or a bad mood because they do not have enough information. Nothing is wrong with a person’s brain that does this, instead, I like to think that your brain is working almost too well and for your own good. Back in the day, this thinking would keep you safe from predators, but life is not that dangerous anymore. Now we are life and death stressing over things like traffic, emails, and making it on time to our kid’s soccer practice. Our brain may overdo it and all of a sudden we are having a fight with our partner at 12am. Not fun.

Perfectionism can lead to catastrophizing or also known as assuming the worst case scenario thinking

This is a big reason behind a lot of people's anxiety and worry. Catastrophizing is our brain's way of preparing for the worst-case scenario. It is supposed to keep us safe but in the end, it really just keeps our bodies in flight or fight mode way too often. A perfectionist will overdo it and over-prepare because they are trying to prevent the worst possible thing from happening. The idea is, if I over-prepare then nothing can surprise me. This is something that I see often as a therapist who often works with people who have had childhood trauma or who come from chaotic childhood homes and are now trying to heal their inner child in therapy.

A common thing I tell my clients is that they need to breathe and notice that their brain is doing that thing where they assume the worst-case scenario. Just noticing and catching yourself can really help bring down the heat. It can even help prevent your worry from spirally further. In inner child therapy, I often work with clients using different therapy approaches like EMDR or IFS to help them get to these core beliefs. Often people find that a lot of their anxiety and perfectionism is centered around not feeling good enough and halving low self-confidence. If this is you, please know that therapy can help, please speak with a mental health professional. You can feel better and live a life where you aren’t so anxious all the time.

Perfectionists often do “negative filtering” or only seeing the bad

This one is a super common thing I see with not only people who are anxious but also with those who struggle with depression. A brain that is negative filtering is literally filtering out all the good and neutral information around it. Just take a moment to see how this can really shape a person's perspective.

As a couples therapist who works with couples on attachment issues, this one is often what causes feelings of negative feelings. People who are unhappy in their relationships often struggle to see a more balanced perspective of their relationship. They see their partner as 100% terrible, when in reality there is good that their partner does, they are just unable to notice. Again, not your fault, it is just your brain doing what it probably needed to do at one point and not taking a shortcut here every single time. It is efficient but with lots of errors.

Luckily working with a couples therapist who has training in attachment wounds and trauma might be a good idea to help you and your partner not slip into defensiveness so quickly. Often the biggest change is seen when we start to notice what is good in our partner, making it easier to be softer with them as we work out the issues. Something easier said than done, but something that couples therapy can help you with.

How to stop negative thinking as a perfectionist

One of the most effective ways to stop that negative thinking spiral is to notice it with out judgment. Often people find themselves hating this part of them, the part that over thinks, assumes the worst, and needs to be the best at all costs. But self hatred won’t help you heal that anxious perfectionist part of you. Instead leaning into it with curiosity has shown to be the most effective approach in my therapy practice. Plus I have used this with my own anxious thinking. Noticing with out judgment really works. With time and practice this mindful approach can help you learn what else that perfectionist part needs to relax and not rule your life. You will find that you are not only able to be less harsh towards yourself but you will even find yourself less bothered by other people.

This is where deeper therapies that address the body or somatic symptoms can be helpful. Often perfectionism cannot be solved by reframing alone. On a deeper level you need to really believe and feel that you are good enough and that what you do is good enough. This is where therapy with a mental health therapist can be helpful. A therapist can help you catch the thinking in your everyday speech and help you really learn to let it go.

Special considerations for people of color and women who are perfectionists

As a Latina therapist who specializes in BIPOC and interracial partnerships, I have seen just how racism, sexism, and other microaggressions can impact the way a person sees themselves. I often see this with people who are immigrants or the children or grandchildren of immigrants struggling with feelings of “ni de aqui ni de alla” meaning not from here are there. This can often create deep feelings of not being good enough leading to anxious and perfectionist tendencies. Thankfully therapy can be a helpful tool in helping heal from trauma, letting go of what no longer serves you, and stepping into a life where you have confidence and clarity.

With Warmth,

Elisa Blair