As a licensed marriage and family therapist, I often work with couples to find practical solutions to their issues. Couples therapy is an excellent place for unpacking deeper issues, healing traumas, and helping you create the relationship of your dreams. However, I am also a big fan of all the work that happens outside of the therapy room.

This is why I often suggest couples practical solutions on how to continue to “work”, whether I am seeing them for therapy in the Fresno area or all over California or Arizona online. The “work” is all the stuff that you do outside of therapy sessions to ensure you are living a life aligned with your values and showing up in more healed versions of yourself each and every day. It really is “work” and it isn’t easy. But it is so worth it! Not only will you feel more calm and centered, you will also have better relationships.

Below are tips for creating a “couples check-in” to help you and your partner improve your communication and feel more understood by one another. Working with a therapist can help you learn how to talk with your partner in a way that is constructive and helps you address your issues without going round and round in solutions. The tips below are the very things I share with the couples that I work with in my private practice where I support couples and individuals who are anxious, stressed, and wanting better relationships.

How to have great couples check-in that to improve your connection and help you address issues in a constructive way.

Plan ahead and set a consistent time for a weekly couples check-in.

Be sure to check in with yourself first before your couples check-in.

Eliminate distractions for your couples check-in.

Share good things about the relationship and your partner. Be specific.

Only pick one or two complaints to share.

Have a cold glass of water are a warm cup of tea or hot chocolate to help you feel grounded.

Remember there can be multiple realities to things, stay curious and compassionate.

Keep reading and I will unpack these seven tips to a great couples checking in!

Plan ahead and set a consistent time for a weekly couples check-in.

I am a big fan of putting couples' check-in on the calendar. People say they will get to it, but just like with all the other things we say we will get to, we don’t Life often gets in the way and we forget. Putting it on your Google calendar will help you remember to make your couples check-in a priority, as it should be. Your relationship with your partner is a priority, therefor schedule it in, and make it happen.

This is not date night (that is important to by the way!) so make sure this is a separate dedicated time where you and your partner address issues in your relationship. Consider it maintenance work. Just like the gym is more effective if we go consistently, so is showing up for your relationship.

10-30mins tends to be a good amount of time, but adjust to what feels good for you and your partner. Consider taking a quick walk through the neighborhood or doing it right after dinner on a specific weeknight. The important thing is that it is consistent.

Be sure to check in with yourself first before your couples check-in.

It is so important to check in with yourself before you go into your couples check-in. I suggest keeping a daily journal of the things that bothered you and the things you appreciated. Ask yourself why things bothered you, maybe it has nothing to do with your partner and that would be a great discussion to have with your partner. These check-ins are meant to help you and your partner understand each other's inner world.

Eliminate distractions for your couples check-in.

No TVs in the background, no music playing, and if you have kiddos have them entertained doing something else. It is really hard to connect with another person when there are lots of distractions. It is important to try and give your undivided attention.

Share good things about the relationship and your partner. Be specific.

It can be really easy to highlight all the things that you do not like about your partner or times when they have bothered you over the last week, but this is not the point of the check-in. The point of the check-in is to be constructive on improving your relationship.

We cannot only share the negative or as I call them “areas for growth” but we also have to share the things that our partner is doing well. If you find it hard to find things you appreciate with your partner, you are not alone. Our brains are geared to think negatively. With practice, it can get easier to notice the good. And if there is no good, this is also good information to have. Working with a therapist can help you identify if this relationship is actually not a good relationship for you.

Only pick one or two complaints to share.

(If there are more that’s okay, check in with your partner, you don’t want this to become a rant session where they feel attacked!)

Even if there is a lot of work to be done in improving your relationship, we have to be careful to not overwhelm each other with a long list of complaints. Complaints are healthy, they help us tell other people what we don’t like and often it is a request for a different behavior. So important for a healthy relationship. But if we are complaining and complaining, it can easily make us feel or our partner feel overwhelmed.

Our brains could hear complaints as criticism. Criticism is not healthy for a relationship. Criticism is an attack on a person's character. “I asked you to take the trash out and you forgot, could you please remember to take it out on garbage day?” becomes “You are lazy and so forgetful.” Criticism makes it hard to work as a team with love and compassion for one another.

Have a cold glass of water are a warm cup of tea or hot chocolate to help you feel grounded.

Check-ins can be overwhelming, especially in the beginning, so having something to drink can be helpful. No alcohol though! Try a warm cup of tea or make some hot chocolate (my favorite!) to create a more calming vibe.

Remember there can be multiple realities to things, stay curious and compassionate.

During the check-in, it is important to remember it is not about who is right or wrong. Instead, focus on trying to understand where the other person is coming from. You can have your feelings and thoughts while making space for your partner's feelings and thoughts.

This is often something that a lot of people struggle with, especially if this was not modeled to them growing up. Those of us who came from chaotic childhood homes were often told “Because I said so” “Be quiet” and “You are being really annoying right now” all of which are still in our bodies. This is why I am so passionate about working with couples who are willing to consider that their childhoods might be impacting them in their current relationships.

Fresno Couples Therapist trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy

As an attachment-based therapist who is trained in EFT therapy, I work hard with couples to create a feeling of security, where they feel understood by their partners. This is often the first step toward solving issues. It is not uncommon, that setting up couples check-ins is something that feels so weird at first because our families growing up did not talk about their feelings. I know from my own experience as a daughter of a Mexican immigrant that this was very much the case. Feelings made you weak, a learned behavior that kept my ancestors safe. This is often true for lots of different cultures: families of military, police, and minority backgrounds, to name a few. And now the work for many of us is unlearning this learning how to be in a healthier connection with one another.

This work is hard and you do not have to do it alone, reaching out to a couples therapist can help you and your relationship heal and thrive. Everyone deserves to be in healthy, loving relationships where they feel connected and understood. Working with a couples therapist can help. Reach out to learn more about how therapy can help you.

Check out these related blogs!

Couples Therapist’s Tips For How to Rebuild Trust

What Makes Successful Couples Therapy

Three Real Reasons Why You Always Fight With Your Partner

With Warmth,

Elisa Blair