Relationships have their ebbs and flows, their ups and downs. If you are feeling like there is a lack of spark a lack of chemistry, then keep reading. That honeymoon phase is not necessarily a thing of the past. You can have that spark again and you can have that energy where you are just dying to see your partner after a long day. Sure your relationship will mature and things will feel different, but I think you can absolutely have moments of that honeymoon high. And why wouldn’t we?

I often wonder how much of that is outdated advice when women weren’t really allowed to speak up for what they wanted in their relationships. I often wonder how much of it is conditioning to just be happy with what you get. If you want a relationship that has spark and times where you are just smiling and laughing with your partner, keep reading. I will share why relationships lose that spark and why couples report that they are no longer happy with their marriages like they use to be. Then I will share what I share with couples in my online therapy practice right here in Fresno, California (and all over California and Arizona online)

Reasons romantic relationships get boring.

The effort and time are not there
There is a lack of fun and new things
You stop “dating”

Not putting in time and effort can negatively impact a couple's relationship.

As a couples therapist, I understand that life can get pretty busy and I often hear this from the couples who see me in my therapy practice. Hey, I get it, life does get busy and there are going to be times where it feels like there are not enough hours in the day. And your relationship with your partner is a priority, therefore you can and must put in the time and effort to ensure that the relationship thrives. We will put in the time and effort that we find to be a priority. Couples therapy can help you make your relationship a priority again and help you make any necessary mind shifts.

Doing the same thing over and over again with your partner can lead to boredom.

It feels nice to have a routine and your favorite go-to's, but if there is nothing new, then, of course, things will get boring. Go to a different restaurant. Pick a different sex position. Pick up a new hobby together. Doing new things with your partner will increase the “feel good “ hormones in your brain and will help you feel more connected with your partner. Partners who feel close tend to experience less stress and report healthier conflict management in their relationships.

Dating your partner never really ends.

Time and time again I ask couples therapy clients how often they go on dates and the answer is never to rarely. You have to set aside time every week to go on a date with your partner. You don’t have to spend money (take a walk and drink hot tea on a park bench), but you do have to spend time. You need to carve out time for one another so that you can stay up to date on each other’s lives. My favorite is to talk a long walk in Woodward Park, hot beverage in hand, while my husband and I catch up on all the things, updating our love maps. (more on that later!)

Think back to when you first started dating your partner and how exciting it was to learn all the things about this person. That feeling should still exist years after you have been together. Because technically your partner (and you!) are always changing. Put in the effort and never stop dating each other.

Reasons people lose that “spark” feeling as shared by the couples I see in therapy in Fresno and Clovis.

Here are the most common things I see in my couples therapy practice when people share that they have lost that “spark” in their marriage or partnership.

They had kids. Kids are time-consuming, yes. But it is so important to remember that your partner is more than a parent. They are your friend, lover, and life adventure partner. Make sure you spend time together, without the kids.
Work got busy. I see a lot of people having unhealthy work-life balances. This is something that I spend a good amount of time in therapy talking with my clients about. Perfectionism and always trying to get ahead can often be a result of something deeper going on working with a therapist can help.
Sex life is not what it use to be. Having a healthy sex life is so important for feeling satisfied with your relationship (for most people, but not all!) I get a lot of feedback from the couples that I work with, that even talking about sex is hard, and we work on this in couples therapy. Sex is a wonderful part of being human and having good sex with your partner is something you serve.

Love is a verb, not a noun.

I cannot remember where I heard this for the first time, but it is so true! Love is so much more than a thing. It is something that we do. Love is something that is communicated in the actions that partners do for one another.

This is why saying “I love you” can only go so far and couples often struggle when there is little action to back it up.

How to spice things up in the bedroom.

Talk about sex. This is something lots of people struggle with, I promise you that you are not alone. Many of us did not come from homes where sex was something that was just openly talked about, therefore as adults, we have some pretty weird mind blocks. Being brought up Catholic and in a Mexican household, sex was something that made the adults uncomfortable. I love being able to unpack this with fellow BIPOC folks. Therapy can really help with this.
Come up with a three-level intimacy ladder. Level three is sex. And level two is something not sex or “all the way” but still very lovely and intimate. Maybe it's a shower together or massages. Then come up with a level one. Maybe talking about what you would like to try next time or a 1-minute make-out sesh.
Try something new. It can be a different position, a different location in your home, or a different time of the day. Switching it up can be very exciting.
Pro tip: try not to get too frustrated if things don’t go the way you hoped. Laugh it off together. If you are a fellow recovering people-pleaser and a perfectionist, I feel yeah on this one!

How to spice things up in the rest of life too.

How to have more fun with your partner and in your marriage in the Fresno area or wherever!

Go on a date and do something you normally don’t. Like going to a museum, pottery class, or walking in a park you haven’t been to before. Here are is a list of therapist approved dates.
Remember you don’t have to spend a ton of money. Bake something together or watch the stars together using an app to find constellations.
Allow yourself to be like a kid again. Be silly and goofy and weird. Allow yourself to be playful and relaxed.

How to spend more quality time with your partner.

Make your partnership a priority. Every day do things like greet each other after a long day. Every week go on a date. Every few months or once a year, consider going on a trip, just the two of you.
Do quality things together. Don’t just watch TV and call that good. Discuss the show or movie together. Do an activity that is more engaging with one another. Like a board game or try cooking a new recipe together.
Get clear about what quality time means to you. What is your love language and what is your partner's love language?

How to deepen your friendship by updating your love map in your marriage.

The Gottmans (researchers on couples) often talk about the importance of “love maps.” A love map is a mind map of all the things that make your partner them. Their childhood struggles, their best friends and foes, their work accomplishments and headaches, and their future goals. If I were to ask you 100 things about your partner, like partner trivia, how would you do?
Ask questions and update your map of your partner. Stay interested in this person that you chose to spend your life with. It is an adventure to fill out this map with your partner.

Fresno BIPOC Couples Therapist with Years of Experience.

Being in a relationship is not always easy and there are times when things might feel stale. This is normal and it happens to even the best relationships. I have worked with tons of couples and individuals struggling with their relationships, I want you to know that you are not alone in this! Healthy relationships are so crucial to having a satisfying life, where we feel calm and connected.

Talking about it (reading this article) is a great step in the right direction. I hope you found the information useful. Reach out if you need more support, couples therapy can help you out and prevent issues from getting bigger. You deserve to have the relationship of your dreams and you don’t have to figure it out alone!

Marriage and Family Therapist in Fresno & Clovis

My degree specifically prepared me to work with couples and relationships. I am an LMFT (licensed marriage and family therapist) in both California and Arizona. Plus couples therapy and individuals who are struggling with relationships and dating are my passion when it comes to therapy. I do not work with everyone and I do not work with all issues, why? Because it is not my specialty. I have chosen to specialize is a handful of issues. That way you can have a couples and relationship therapist who can help you with your specific goals. Feel free to click here to explore my specialties.

With Warmth,

Elisa Blair