Monday Dread, not again.

Your alarm goes off and you feel that sense of dread start to overcome you. You are not looking forward to the day ahead. You ask yourself “How did I end up like this and is this really all there is?” You aren’t alone, lots of people dread Mondays, or dread starting yet another day or week. It is common for people to struggle with these thoughts and feelings.
So how do you stop that Monday Dread? One way can be living a life aligned with your values. When we live life aligned with our values we find that that pressure is lifted. All of sudden you are able to be calmer, happier, and feel like you finally have it together (at least somewhat more!) As a therapist practicing in California and Arizona, this is something that I speak with clients about all the time. The answer isn’t always quitting your job or dropping that friend.

It is important to live life aligned with your values because not doing so can lead to stress, anxiety, and feelings unfulfilled. I want to share with you insights into how values are so important to living a life where you feel at ease and aligned. Everyone's values are different and you owe it to yourself to get to know your values and live by them. After all the longest relationship you will ever have is the relationship that you have with yourself.

So where do our values come from?

Society & Culture
Upbringing
Learning new things
These are a few places where we get our values from. Sometimes the process of figuring out your values is unlearning and relearning things or even going back to things that were once important to you. It is important to be compassionate with yourself as you go on your values exploration. It can be a wild ride!

Often people ask: What if my values are different from my partner, friends, and family?

This actually happens more often than you would think and it can be the cause of discomfort and in some cases conflict. Your values will not line up one hundred percent of the time with people. And that is absolutely okay. We have to learn to love ourselves even if that means some relationships might no longer work in the same way they used to. It is not easy and that is why this work can be more easily done with a therapist supporting you along the way.

One of my areas of focus is working with people of color, as a Latina therapist this is a special population to work with. I get how hard it can be to not want to hurt your family with change and boundaries. Therapy with a culturally aware therapist can help you in unpacking deep pain and helping you create a life where you feel better.

How do you even identify your values?
There are a lot of ways to go about identifying your values. There are great books and workbooks out there that you could read, you could pick up a practice of reflective journaling, you could work with a therapist to gain more self awareness about your triggers, values, and areas for growth.
A good way to identify values is to pay attention to your body. Our bodies are always letting us know things, such as when to eat, drink, sleep, what we like and don’t like, who’s company we enjoy or dread, and what feeds into our happiness and what depletes it. In a world that is so disconnected, it can be hard to be connected with our bodies. Often at the first sight of discomfort, we quickly go towards a numbing behavior, like scrolling on social media, binge watching a show, or turning towards drugs and alcohol.
Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable can really guide us towards knowing what our values are. Therapy can help and so can practice like meditation and yoga.
Can your values change?
Yes, your values can change overtime. It is pretty common for people to pivot and grow into new (hopefully more aware and healed) versions of themselves. Life changes that can contribute to changes in values can be, moving to a new city, changing careers, ending or starting a new relationship, becoming a parent, or hitting milestone age. By no means is this an exhaustive list, but I hope I painted the picture, that values really change all the time.
I often tell clients that I work with that they are probably different from who they were 10 years ago, 5 years ago, or a year ago. AND technically even yesterday. Because we are constantly living and growing.
I often work with couples and this is a common early relationship pressure point. Trying to create one relationship that works with two very different people. Compromise is something that can help. But even more useful is working with a couples therapist who can help you identify how your upbringing, attachment, and way of seeing the world might be rubbing up on each other's beliefs and values. It is tough work but it can be done!

What happens when you live life not aligned with your values?

When we don’t live life aligned with our values we can start to struggle with feeling happy, calm, and confident. Instead when we are living a life outside of our values we will end up feeling irritated, sad, tired, and unmotivated. The things in our life that may have brought us joy no longer do, and we can start to feel like the life we are living is “meh” and not full feeling.

Sometimes people will find themselves struggling with their existential anxiety, where you spiral asking yourself some fear inducing questions like:

Is this all there is to life?
Am I living my best life?
Am I wasting my time?

What does a life that is aligned with your values look like?

Instead a life aligned with values looks like one where you feel happy, connected, and feel like you have an overall calmness and peace in your life. A life that is aligned in your values will have more “Yes, 100% I want to do that” moments and less dread and “why am I even doing this” moments.
Let's walk down a visual exercise together, to help you get in touch with a life where you are able to live aligned with your values.

Below is a guided exercise to help you better connect with your values or at least explore what values are not really working for you anymore. No pressure to do this exercise. But if you like it, share it! Bring it into therapy with you. Discuss with your friends and partners. One of the greatest gifts we can give others is taking care of ourselves and modeling that to others so that they can take care of themselves too. It helps us be better partners, friends, and parents!

Guided Exercise To Get In Touch With Your Vaules

Alrighty, first get nice and comfy. Sitting or lying down, whichever you prefer. I would suggest to skim through this prompt and then settle in for the exercise. Once you are all nice and comfy, thank yourself for being willing to give yourself the next few moments to be curious about what a life aligned with your values could look like. Try to stay in the space where you are curious. If any judgements or distractions start to bubble up, kindly notice and let go of them. If they are present note that with curiosity and let it be. I want you to think about going to bed and then waking up the next day. This day would be 100% aligned with your values. No pressure to know what those values are but just to share in this space with with curiosity and some playfulness. What would your few hours of the day look like? What would you do to ease into the day? How would you set yourself up with love and compassion as your accept another day to live life aligned with your values? Just breathe and be here in this part for as long as you need. When your ready notice how you would carry on with your day. Is there family and friend time? Is there work? Is there space to do what feels good for your soul? What does that look like? How do you feel working while living in alignment with your values? Stay here for a moment, just notice all that comes up without judgment. Asking any parts that are frustrated, scared, annoyed, or worried to kindly sit down. You are doing your best to stay curious about this day where you live life aligned with your values. When you are ready feel free to come back to the room that you are in, you can move and wiggle. And breath. Great job and good effort in providing space to explore this.

Reflection on the guided exercise.

Exercises like this can be difficult at first. It is part of the process, and I promise you that you are not doing it wrong. It can be great to do this a few times. To journal on your experience. You can even unpack this with your therapist. Share it with friends and have a deep conversation with them.
I encourage you ask yourself the following questions:

What was this like for me? What did I learn about myself and the way I would like to live?
Did I notice and oppose emotions and thoughts?
What was it like to go through a morning where I get to “ease into my day” and to nurture myself with love and compassion as I take on another day where I am grateful for the opportunity to live a life aligned with my values?

Now what?

You might not be able to make a complete 180 in your life right away, but there are some things you can start doing now to start working towards a life where you feel like you are living more aligned with your values. It really is about a commitment to yourself, to be there for yourself so that you can show up as the best version of you for family, friends, and community. It is not a sprint, it is a marathon. Pace yourself and be kind to yourself on this journey.

Please do not hesitate to reach out for support. Unpacking and re-organizing your life is tough work, and a therapist can support you.

With Warmth,

Elisa Blair