It is important to have friends, GOOD friends

Hi there! Making friends can be hard, and making GOOD friends can sometimes feel impossible. You are not alone, this is something that I talk about with therapy clients all the time, both in San Diego and in the Phoenix area. Lots of people are struggling with making good friends. Often people share that making good friendships and keeping them, seems to be connected with their mental health struggles. That they are depressed because they don’t have good social life. Or that they feel overly anxious with the group of friends they currently have. They aren’t wrong.
We know that having a solid group of friends can improve your mental health and well-being. Being lonely can have some serious health consequences, from anxiety to depression, to even physical symptoms. Research has shown that loneliness can have as much of an impact as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, yikes!

I am glad you are here! You are not alone in the struggle of finding and keeping good friends. Lots of my clients struggle with making good friends, knowing what is a good friend, and working on being a better friends. Everyone deserves to have good friends, the kind where you look forward to spending time with these people, feel understood, feel appreciated, and have joyful experiences. If friendships are so important why is it that so many people are struggling with friendships?

Three Reasons Why You Might be Struggling to Make Good Friends:

The lifestyle of today: hustle culture
Social Media Giving Us False Hope
There might be something deeper going on

The lifestyle of today: hustle culture

By and large lots of people complain that the reason that they do not have friendships is that they are not able to spend the time it takes to make friendships. The saying, you make time for what is important, can backfire and shame people for not making time for friendships, but let's take a look at the bigger picture. If someone is working 40 or more hours a week, plus some side gigs just to make ends meet, has to take the kids to their activities, take care of the home, and spend time with their partner, where on earth are they supposed to find the time to dedicate to friendships. It really is quite sad, and I feel for people who are struggling with making quality friendships.

I have worked with many clients on identifying their values, seeing where they can minimize and prioritize, and seeing if they can work less. Often we don’t realize just how much we consume, in TV, clothing, eating out, and all the “stuff” that keeps us on that hedonic treadmill to nowhere. Simplifying and being intentional with our time can help us give space (not make more) for the things that are truly important in our life.

Social Media Giving Us a False Sense of Friendship

There are two ways I have seen this play out with the clients that I work with (plus in my own life). The first is feeling “connected” but not really being connected with others. Seeing pictures and keeping up to date with people can be fun. I know I love seeing photos of people's adventures, but this is not as deep as having a conversation with someone truly catching up. Even a 5-minute phone call with a friend will go way further in helping you feel happy than liking and commenting on a photo.

The second thing that I have noticed is that people often get very anxious and depressed when they see the “perfect” lives and friendships that others have. Brunch with the girls, a photo dump of a group that recently went skiing, or out to a concert dressed up in fun clothes. This can make you feel like you suck at friendship. You might think that this would motivate someone to set up a get-together, but it rarely does. Instead, we pity ourselves and start to wonder what is wrong with us. A healthier solution would be to listen to your own meter of when you want to hang out with people and what you would like to do. Maybe it's game night or going to a thrift store. It is healthier to listen to our internal compasses instead of looking to social media for how to create the “perfect” life.

Social Media is not all bad. It can be a great tool. It can help you keep tabs on people, and help you in real life connecting. It is important to use it as a tool to aid in friendship making and maintain, but not to fall into the trap that this is filling the true need for human connection.

There Might be Something Deeper Going On

I am a trauma therapist at heart and it informs the work that I do with all my clients, and couples too! I offer trauma-informed therapy all over San Diego and California. And because I am dually licensed I also offer trauma-informed therapy all over Phoenix and Arizona as well. Even if that is not the primary reason for seeking out my support. It is so important as a therapist to be trained in trauma and to have it inform your work. Often the “symptoms” and “struggles” people have are related to past traumas or major life stressors, sometimes with their roots in childhood. Not always the case, but it is important to rule out trauma when in therapy. It can completely change the type of therapy you will need in order to effectively reach the goals that you have.

I often tell clients that I work in “themes.” When someone is sharing a problem and when we are working together in therapy to address this problem, I often explore with the client if this is a theme, or in other words, has this happened before? Does this feel familiar? Problems with friendships are rarely in a vacuum. If a person is struggling with friendships, they might also be struggling with romantic partnerships, family relationships, and even work relationships. A good therapist with not simply tell you how to make more friends, but will help you in a deeper way to address what might be getting in the way.

Maybe this is low confidence or self-worth? Could you be struggling with trust issues that go way back? Could you be struggling with post-pandemic trauma and struggling with feeling like you can relax around people in public again? All very important things to consider. Making good friendships is not always an easy fix like texting people more often.

So How Do You Make Quality Friendships?

Here are 5 things you can start doing now. These are tried and true strategies that I teach my clients to help them create friendships that feel good.

1. Evaluate your current friendships

Odds are you have a social network, even if it is not the friendship circle of your dreams. Take a look at who is in your circle. Are there friendships that you would like to work on? Are there friendships that you would like to let go of? Often when people begin their healing journey, they realize that a lot of their friendships no longer work with the life that they are trying to create. They no longer want to only drink at get-togethers, and they no longer want to gossip all the time. Instead, they want to engage in meaningful conversations and share a new way of doing life.

You don’t have to go and cut out people, though you might have to for some friendships. But there are ways to keep friends, but maybe you do so with more distance. It is important to find what will for you as you navigate how to make better friendships.

2. Assess How You Have Been as a Friend Lately

This one is a hard one, and when I work with clients on assessing this part, it is often the one that is the hardest to own up to. The truth is that we all play a role in having healthy and unhealthy friendships. We cannot only blame other people. We have to show people how to be in a relationship with us.
Often I explore with my clients how they show up in their relationship, mainly because that is the only thing they really have control over. If a client is sharing with me how terrible a friend has been to them, we explore what was this person's role in the interaction. What can they do? Can they be more direct, and can they place a boundary to help them feel more respected? It is much easier to complain about how other people treat you, but it is harder (and more productive) to look at what your role is and what to do about it.

3. Start Small

After evaluating your current friendships and your current role in your friendships, the next step it to take action in small ways toward your goals. If your goal is to have 3 close friends that you see at least 1 time per month, we need to start small. Making and maintaining good friendships takes work. Foundations and a steady game plan will help you succeed without burning out.

Maybe you need to brainstorm, what would be enjoyable get-togethers? Is it attending a yoga class together? Is it going to the movies and then coffee after to discuss the film? Is it hitting up a local farmers' marker? By the way, I just love the Uptown Farmers Market in Phoenix. I could spend hours here! Or if I am visiting family in California, you can find me strolling with my dog and my family at a local San Diego beach like La Jolla Beach.

It is important to know that you are in charge of creating the social engagements you want. Seriously this is the time to design the life you would like. Really ask yourself what the perfect chunk of time with a friend you deeply care about looks like. Is it going out for Friday Night Art Walks along Roosevelt Street? Or is it discussing a recent favorite book together at a local park, like Papago Park?

4. It's Okay to Say No

Remember no is not a bad word. You are allowed to say no to certain types of engagement. If you aren’t into drinking, be true to your values and say no to going out. AND you can offer an alternative of what to do another time. This is where the magic of showing people how to be in a relationship with you comes into play. You have the power to suggest an alternative. Like window shopping in Downtown Scottsdale if you are in Phoenix or going to a new coffee shop.

5. Join a Group

It can be really hard to find new people. It is not the same as when we were kids. Where we both like the color blue and bam we are best friends. Finding like-minded people can help you create the deeper friendships that you are looking for. Joining a group can help. Book clubs, places of worship, yoga studios, painting classes, and hiking groups. If there is an activity you like, odds are you can find a group. I always suggest meet-up apps or a local studio for yoga, art, and cooking.

7 Green Flags of a Good Friend:

There is a sense of mutual effort and respect
You have shared values (might not be 100% and that is okay!)
You like their company
You don’t feel too drained after spending time with them
You don't find yourself looking for excuses to bail
You can trust them
There is honesty

Remember not to get discouraged if you aren’t finding deep lasting friendships right away. Making a good friend takes lots of work. Please be compassionate a gentle with yourself as you navigate the process of making good friendships. Notice that there might be parts of you that are negative or that they don’t believe in your ability to make good friends. Just notice this part of you and work with it, sharing how you know it is hard to make friends. And trust the process.

Loneliness is something that a therapist can help you with, it can really impact or be a by-product of mental health struggles like depression and anxiety. Treating mental health struggles first or in conjunction with working on friendships might help you be more successful with making the good friends you not only want but need to have a healthy and happy life.

With Warmth,

Elisa Blair