How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex.
Trouble with sex is a common reason people seek out couples therapy.
Time and time again people will share with me in their intake therapy session that they are struggling with sex. It is often brought up in a shy way and then they often turn to their partner worried they offered. Or sometimes they flat out blame their partner and it becomes a whole thing, a big argument in their first therapy session with me.
Truthfully, I love it though, because I am here to support these couples in changing this dysfunctional pattern. Both feeling shy and getting argumentative are technically dysfunctional ways of communicating needs to our partners, and therapy can help. It then becomes our work together in couples therapy to unpack issues and learn how to talk about these issues in a way where both partners feel heard, respected, and loved. This takes work and this is why I am so passionate about serving couples in the San Diego area and the Phoenix area.
As a couples therapist, I often work with people where one of the pain points for seeking out therapy in the first place is because of troubles in the bedroom department. Sex, parenting struggles, finances, religion, politics, and gender roles tend to be the most common things that people will seek out couples therapy for, and they all have something in common. Communication. But how do you even talk about sex? Like what do you say? When? Keep reading, I’ve got you covered. I want to share tried and true strategies for being able to have this very important talk with your partner.
Here are my top tips for talking about sex with your partner when I support therapy clients in couples therapy:
Make it about you.
What is that you want? What is it that you want to ask your partner for? Think about ways in which you can communicate your desires and feedback in a way that is not about blaming you partner.
Even if your intention is not to blame, we have to be careful about language because your partner can pick up blame and then get defensive. That would be a real mood killer and will problem make talking about sex even harder next time.
Use “I statements” and make simple requests.
I would like if we made out for about five minutes first before we start taking off our clothes.
A blaming version of this might be like, You rush. You start to take of your pants before we even kiss. I don’t feel like this is sensual enough for me.
Another example of a good “I statement” I want to try a different position, how about this one or this one. This an amazing way to ask for your needs to be met in the bedroom. Not only are you making about you, but you are also giving you partner a choice between two things you would like to try. This makes is 100 times easier for your partner to feel confident in meeting your needs. Giving your partner choices can help with not only improve sex, but also picking where to eat for dinner. Seriously!
Highlight what you like about a past sexual encounter before you open the conversation about having better sex with your partner.
Why? Because everyone’s mind goes straight to feeling like we are bad and failing. We have to be mindful of keeping the safety in the conversation with our partner. Reminding them about a past time where sex was amazing or a part of the experience was just delicious, can really boost your partners confidence and make it more likely that they wont feel rejected when you ask for something.
Our ears are prone to feeling hurt, rejected, disappointed. It is part of writing in our nervous system to keep us safe, especially if you have trauma in your back ground. A skilled therapist can help you and your partner tackle these deeper issues. Trauma can show up in some pretty interesting ways in romantic relationships. I wrote all about it in this post.
Get clear about your messages about sex and intimacy.
This means unpacking your own ideas and messages around sex AND then talking about this with your partner.
Questions to ask yourself:
What is sex to me? What is intimacy for me?
What turns me on?
What turns me off?
How often would I like sex?
What would be some back up activities if sex isn’t on the table (I talk more about this in a bit.)
How is my emotional connection with my partner? Does this impact my feelings about sex?
Questions to ask one another:
What is your favorite things to do in bed?
What are things that are a hard no in bed?
Are there things that you might want to do one day?
What do you need from me emotionally to increase desire?
How can I be there for you when I am not in the mood for sex?
This is all about building a secure relationship with your partner.
This my no means an extensive list of questions but working with a therapist who has specialized training in relationships can support you and your partner in navigate this and other conversations to support you both in not getting defensive when talking about sex. Under the anger is often hurt, and as a couples therapist this is where I can help. I am so passionate about serving couples in the San Diego area and the Phoenix area, helping couples in therapy leaning healthier ways to communicate with one another.
Back up plans when you or your partner are not in the mood for sex.
This is so important! In a perfect world you and your partner would always be on the same page when it comes to having sex. But that is not always the case. Life stressors, illnesses, rasing kids, and lots of other things can impact our desire for sex with our partners. It happens. We are human.
Coming up with back up plans for when either of you is not in the mood can help take of the pressure. Because in the moment we feel rejected. It can take a lot for a person to put themselves out there. This is why I always recommended to my clients that they come up with some ideas for back plans when the mood just isn’t there. Forcing the mood never works.
Some ideas that couples create for when they are not feeling sexy but what to feel connected:
Massages
Make out session
A deep conversation
Taking a walk with one another
At home spa night
Find support. Therapy can help you and your partner feel confident talk about sex and help you improve your sex life.
Talking about sex can feel incredibly nerve wracking, but it so important to create a space with your partner where you feel like you are able to talk about sex and intimacy. Healthy, secure, and sustainable relationships make space for talking about sex and intimacy.
If you are not sure where to start, feel free to reach out to a trusted therapist.
You don’t have to do this alone!
With Warmth,
Elisa Blair
Hey there, I’m Elisa Blair!
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist + Founder of Mindfully Minding Me Therapy.
My specialty is couples counseling, especially for those who are BIPOC, in interracial partnerships, 1 and 2 gens wanting to break family cycles to step into a more peaceful way of doing life. I also offer depth work with individuals, helping people rewire their nervous system because traditional talk therapy sometimes is not enough.
I work with people all over San Diego, from Little Italy to Chula Vista, to La Jolla, and really all over California since I practice 100% online therapy. That means I can see people from Los Angeles to Fresno to San Jose, and San Francisco. And all while my clients get the convenience and comfort of having therapy right in their own living room.
I work with people all over Arizona from Flagstaff to Phoenix to Tucson 100% online therapy. Since I am dually licensed, I can see people who reside in both states or find that they travel often. And all while my clients get the convenience and comfort of having therapy right in their own living room.
Check out my about page to see if we are the right fit, explore my specialties page to see if I can help you break generational patterns and step into a more peaceful life. Ready to set up a free consultation?
