How to Talk About Boundaries With Out Your Partner Getting Defensive.
What is a healthy boundary?
A healthy boundary is where our own limits are respected. Boundaries are so important for healthy loving relationships. Couples often struggle with communicating their boundaries with their partner without either one of them becoming defensive.
Think about the last time you tried to have a conversation, where you said what was not okay with your partner. Did it turn into a full-blown argument? You are not alone. This is super common and one of the reasons why people seek out couples therapy. A trained expert can help you navigate conflict so that you and your partner feel like you are on the same page again.
Communicating boundaries well to your partner looks like:
Calmness
Clarity
Curiosity
Feeling connected
If that doesn’t sound like your relationship, keep reading! I will go over how to have a conversation on boundaries with out you or your partner getting defensive.
What is defensiveness and where does it come from?
To have health conversations with our partners about boundaries we have to talk about defensiveness and its role in partners being able to communicate well or not well. The Gottmans, amazing researchers in couples therapy, identified that defensiveness is one of the “four horsemen” of marriage conflict. Couples who frequently find themselves experiencing defensiveness without being able to make up after the conflict, are more likely to end up divorcing or breaking up. So it is important that we learn to recognize when we are getting defensive and how to keep it from taking charge of a conversations that we are trying to have with our partners.
Defensiveness is going to happen, even in the healthiest of relationships. We become defensive when there is another emotion that we are having and not communicate to our partner. Like feeling anger, hurt, or confused. In couples therapy, a therapist can help you identify the negative cycle of communication that you and your partner are experiencing. I work with couples all over the Phoenix area in Arizona and the San Diego are in the California area, to support couples in working on reducing their defensiveness and help them in having more healthy communication.
One of my specialties is working with BIPOC folks, often in interracial partnerships, and partnerships where culture is something worth exploring. Being aware of what triggers our defensiveness is so important when talking about hard topics like race and culture. This is the first step to finally breaking that cycle. Often we come from family childhood homes, where healthy conflict mange was not modeled to us. We literally were never taught how to share why we were hurt and seek to make the situation better. Then we grow up to be adults struggling with our adult romantic relationships. It comes full circle. Therapy can really help you and your partner break this habit of becoming defensive.
It is so important to increase our own awareness about our triggers and to increase our understanding of our partner's triggers. We all have triggers and we have to get to know ourselves well in order to communicate well. This can help you and your partner better learn how to communicate with love and respect so that you can actually solve your problem. Easier said than done, because we get defensive we often slip into “danger-danger” where our brains make it really hard to have healthy conversations. This is really true for those who are neurodivergent, have had significant trauma, and struggle with regulating their emotions. Working with a skilled couples therapist can really help.
The power of “I statement.” A great tool in having healthier communication with your partner.
“I statements” is one of my favorite things to teach to couples. An “I statement” shifts energy to owning that you are the one experiencing the feeling and that you are the one reaching out to your partner to fix the issue at hand.
When we speak we often blame each other suing “you statements.” Lots of people are quick to blame their partner. “You forgot, you always forget.” A statement that starts with “you” is bound to become an argument where you raise your voice, someone cries, and someone shuts down. “You statements” stir up emotions in other people causing defensiveness to rise. Now you are left holding a grudge for days.
A good “I statement” can help you avoid this blaming trap that often sends couples into arguments where they are both struggling to get the other person to see their point. There are three truths, theirs, yours, and what really happened. Work as a team with your partner, not against them.
Not all “I statements” are created equal. Just because you say “I” doesn’t make it a good “I statement.” “I” needs to be followed by a feeling word and then a reason.
Examples of “I statements” to prevent your partner from getting defensive:
“I feel hurt when you went the whole day without responding to my text message.”
“I feel overwhelmed when I come home and there is a sink full of dishes.”
“I feel attacked or ganged up on when we visit family and you joke about me in front of others.”
Notice how those sentences probably sound very different from what you might be used to in your relationship with your partner (or family, or friends, or co-workers). I want to stress that so many of us are not taught this as kids, so please be gentle with yourself as you learn to navigate this new and healthier way of communicating as an adult. Please be patient and compassionate with yourself. Learn more about the work I do to help people heal inner child and attachment wounds.
Remember that boundaries are not for the other person, they are for you.
I statements and boundaries are not for other people, they are for the person saying them. It is okay to have boundaries. And it is okay for others to have feelings about your boundaries and I statements. In couples therapy, I support couples all over the Phoenix area in having tough conversations with their partners. Talking about boundaries and asking for our attachment needs to be met is tough and uncomfortable, but you will feel better. By being able to have tough conversations with your partner your relationship will improve.
Top common areas couples need to improve boundaries conversations in:
Personal space and physical items
Household tasks
Raising children
Emotional load and fairness in managing life
In-laws
Cleanliness
Friendship
What is considered cheating
Finances
Story time about a recent time I had to express a boundary with my partner.
I often give stories about myself, things I have read, things I have seen in films, or heard from others to help explain concepts to the couples that I work with all over the Phoenix Metro Area. My brain learns best with this and couples share that they appreciate concrete examples. So here is a story where I had to share a boundary with my partner.
It was a boundary on when to have “big conversations.” We were talking about future planning, family, moving, finances, and lots of big concepts. Important things to talk about BUT I had to share I cannot have these conversations after our dinner because my brain needs to wind down for the night. And if I do anything “too big” my anxiety can keep my brain going, where I want to plan it all out, but I can’t because I have to go to bed.
I could have shared this with my partner in two ways:
Way one: “Are you kidding me? You always bring big things up right before bed, why do you do this when you know it gets my brain going? Then I can’t sleep and then I am tired the next day. Seriously?”
Way two: “Hey, I know it's super important to talk about this but can we save it for tomorrow? And in the future can we have bigger conversations before dinner? My brain gets overwhelmed and then I struggle to sleep. Thank you.”
Same conversation but a totally different tone. In the first way of speaking, it is all about letting my partner know that he is to blame for keeping me up at night. In the second way of talk, it is all about me sharing with my partner how I am affected, and asking for him to meet my needs. I am in control of asking my partner for what I need and I am asking him with kindness in a non-blaming way.
I hope you found this post to be helpful! Navigating boundaries with your partner is not easy and it takes work. It is important to do your own work, understand yourself, your triggers, how your brain works, and use this knowledge to have healthy and compassionate conversations with your partner. Remember you do not have to do this alone, therapy can help you create a relationship where you feel loved, connected, and understood by your partner. Couples therapy can help!
With Warmth,
Elisa Blair
Hey there, I’m Elisa Blair!
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist + Founder of Mindfully Minding Me Therapy.
My specialty is couples counseling, especially for those who are BIPOC, in interracial partnerships, 1 and 2 gens wanting to break family cycles to step into a more peaceful way of doing life. I also offer depth work with individuals, helping people rewire their nervous system because traditional talk therapy sometimes is not enough.
I work with people all over San Diego, from Little Italy to Chula Vista, to La Jolla, and really all over California since I practice 100% online therapy. That means I can see people from Los Angeles to Fresno to San Jose, and San Francisco. And all while my clients get the convenience and comfort of having therapy right in their own living room.
I work with people all over Arizona from Flagstaff to Phoenix to Tucson 100% online therapy. Since I am dually licensed, I can see people who reside in both states or find that they travel often. And all while my clients get the convenience and comfort of having therapy right in their own living room.
Check out my about page to see if we are the right fit, explore my specialties page to see if I can help you break generational patterns and step into a more peaceful life. Ready to set up a free consultation?
