3 ways to take care of your inner child wound.
Maybe you are wondering what an inner child means or what is an inner child wound? Maybe you are wondering, great, this means more stuff to work through. But it is so worth it to explore what inner wounds you have and to heal them. Healing your inner child wounds can open up a whole new world, a world where some people feel like they are finally able to breathe.
In this blog we will cover:
what an inner child wound is
how it impacts people as an adult
3 ways to help heal it as an adult
Despite it feeling overwhelming we can definitely overcome and heal our inner child wounds. I would say that nearly every person who I have worked with in my online therapy practice, struggles with inner child wounds. Heck I would say nearly everyone on this planet, whether they go to therapy or not is impacted by inner child wounds. When I see adults argue be it at the grocery store or a social event, I often see kids. I see kids in adult bodies trying so hard to not be hurt and wanting the encounter to be over.
So what exactly is an inner child wound?
The way that I explain it to my therapy clients and couples, is that an inner child wound is like a piece of us that is stuck. I like to ask my clients and couples to think about times in their childhood that may have been stressful or traumatic. Maybe an absent or abusive parent, maybe frequent moves to new schools, or maybe incredibly high expectations to succeed. All these situations are common things that will impact a person not only in their childhood but often will continue to impact this person well into their adulthood. These are the types of situations that people often spend years trying to unpack and process, in the hopes of living more in the present.
The reason why healing our inner child wounds is so important in the trauma and couples therapy work that I do with my clients, is because I really believe that those are the parts of us that “act out” when we are stressed, tired, or triggered. I explain it to my client’s that our inner child who has these wounded parts, will hop into the driver's seat, often trying to do the best it can to navigate whatever stressor is at hand. The problem with this is that this often leads to words we wish we didn’t say, actions we wish we didn’t take, and can have serious impacts on our relationships with others. Not only in the trauma work that I do with individuals, but in the couples therapy that I do, it is important to stop and see if we are speaking from a wounded inner child or our highest selves at that moment. This is usually a game changer for people, and they often share it makes life not so painful and they find more ease in their relationships.
Often people who have gone through a trauma or a big life stressor, will feel like they must be scared for life and will never be able to overcome their past traumas. I am here to say you absolutely can create a life where your history is not overwhelming in the present moment. An inner childhood wound is something that therapy can help heal, as therapy often addresses how we are currently living our lives, working on identifying not only where did this start, but how to overcome it. Therapy is all about unlearning and relearning, and often this work takes time. Often the seeds are planted in therapy and people will continue to have these “ah ha” moments once they are done with therapy, usually because they now have skills that help them be more aware and curious, instead of judgmental.
How does an inner child wound impact me as an adult?
Maybe you are asking yourself why it is so important to heal inner child wounds? It is important because our childhood and early experiences shape the way we interpret the world as adults. If we experienced traumas and big stressors, our nervous system is now primed to expect the worst, to not trust others, to avoid being vulnerable. These are things that can impact a person who is trying to have safe and secure relationships in their adulthood.
A great example is something I see all the time in my couples therapy work. Often one or sometimes both partners come from a home where the situation was not easy and they did the best they could to cope. Maybe they coped with an unavailable parent, alcoholic parent, or unrealistic high expectations. Now as an adult it is almost as if all the childhood trauma is playing catch up. They find themselves struggling as an adult. Often these struggles make their way into their romantic relationships.
A secure relationship is one where a person is able to feel safe. Safe to have conversations without the fear of it because of a scary argument where love is held at ransom. Something many people experienced as kids. A parent who says “well I guess you don’t love me” or “why do you have to be so difficult/loud/much?” It can even be the case that they are in a seemingly safe relationship, but find themselves over analyzing and constantly on edge. This will cause a person to struggle with trust. Something that is crucial for a relationship to be successful.
Three Ways for Healing Your Inner Child:
One: Breath Work
Two: Talking Back to the Critic in Your Head
Three: Make Sure You Have Your Basics Covered
3 ways to help heal your inner child wounds:
One: Breath work
If I could teach one thing and one thing only to a client who is seeing me for therapy whether it is for trauma therapy or couples therapy, it would be to help them understand the importance of breath work when it comes to healing. Breathing is something that we do without thinking yet so many of us will hold our breaths without realizing it. I know for myself I noticed just how much I would hold my breath when I was focusing on a stressful task, and I was able to connect it to my own struggles as a kid who could never sit still in class, who was often told to be still and do her work.
I would challenge you to just see if there are certain times throughout the day where you hold your breath. Is it when you open your credit card statement, when you come home, when you go over to someone's house? Deep belly breaths can help support a new habit in those moments of stress. And this will mean more oxygen to your brain which will help you navigate the situation much better than when you are holding your breath.
Two: Talking back to the critic in your head
I would say we all struggle with a self critic. You know, that voice in your head telling you that you can’t do something, or that you will fail, or that your stupid. Yup that voice. Sometimes this voice is the result of a rough childhood or some experience that was either stressful or traumatic. But even those who haven’t gone through a trauma have self critic. It is our natural tendency as humans to think negatively, it is what has kept us safe throughout the years. It is basically a survival strategy. Now this might be heavily connected to those inner child wounds, and we have to remember that it is only doing the best that it can to keep you safe. But you are an adult and you have some knowledge that you didn't have before. You can gently talk back to that part and ask it to kindly take a step back. Because you got this.
Three: Make sure you have your basics covered.
What I mean by basics covered, is making sure you sleep well, you exercise, you eat well, and you have good nutrition. This helps. It really does. Think about times where you have had an argument with someone and it probably was because you were tired or hungry. We are not meant to go go go. We do live in a society that glorifies hustle, but it is important to remember that we need to slow down, especially if we are about to have an important conversation, tackle a big project, or really do anything that requires a lot of brian power.
Even if you are trying to overcome trauma or repair a damaged relationship, I urge you to make sure you have the basics covered. Taking care of the basics can help you in the present moment identify who is talking. Is this a wounded part speaking up, having a tantrum. Or is this my highest self? It takes practice and honestly is an ongoing practice, but it is something that you can get better at.
Hopefully you found these 3 tips and information on inner wounds to be helpful. Healing is not easy work and remember you don’t have to go it alone. I encourage you to go to therapy and surround yourself with a community to give you the support you need as you continue on your healing journey.
Warmest Regards,