The Three Real Reasons Why You Always Fight with Your Partner.
Hey there, are you fighting again with your partner? Does this happen way too often and are you tired of it? Maybe you have started to wonder is it really about the dishes or where to go for vacation? Or is it really about something different but you are quite sure what? Well, I am glad that you are here! My name is Elisa Blair, I am a Latina therapist practicing in the greater San Diego area. I practice virtually and have worked with clients all over as an online therapist in California.
Hi there!
As a licensed marriage and family therapist with extensive, specialized training in trauma and couples therapy, I am passionate about helping folks in their relationships. I further specialize in couples therapy for BIPOC as I have both lived and extensive practice working with intergeneration trauma and how this shows up in relationships. I offer both individual trauma treatment and trauma-informed couples therapy.
I help couples figure out how to break the cycle of constant arguments. It isn’t easy and you don’t have to do it alone. Are you wondering the real reasons why you and your partner constantly bicker or fight? Keep on reading!
Are you curious as to why you are always fighting, and do you want to know what the real reasons might be? That way you can stop it. Keep reading. As a couples therapist who is trauma informed, I help people have difficult and uncomfortable conversations so that they can break generational traumas and create the relationships of their dreams. One where things do not always work, where joy and light are abundant. If you are wondering why you always fight with your girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, or wife keep on reading.
Real Reason Number One Why You Always Fight with Your Partner: Because your relationship is repeating childhood dynamics, traumas, legacy burdens.
Attachment has a big deal on how we interact as adults in our platonic and romantic relationships. Not having enough awareness and not doing the work needed to heal from stressful and traumatic situations, could very well mean that we may be doomed to repeat our history. Often I work with couples to explore how their family of origin impact them and how it might impact their relationship. Maybe roles are causing conflict, or it could be related to not being able to navigate conflict at all. Conflict is often something that people struggle with because conflict was always a bad thing growing up and often kids will internalize this belief to mean that they are fundamentally bad. EMDR therapy can help with address this and related issues on a nervous system level.
So why do we act out our childhood issues in our adult relationships? Trauma can impact a relationship because trauma actively changes how a person’s brain works at interpreting the world around them. Trauma can be “big T” traumas or “little t” traumas since both have the potential to negatively impact a person's relationship. A person who has unhealed trauma views the world as ONLY scary, unforgiving, and cruel with no ability to see the whole picture. A person will then bring this into their relationships, including their romantic ones. They see ONLY the bad in themselves and their relationship and feel doomed. This can be the case for people who are mainly in a good relationship. Because all relationships suffer from stress and a stressed relationship means more issues and unhealthy conflict. This can impact conflict resolution, sharing and supporting life dreams together, and feelings of overall satisfaction and joy with the relationship.
A legacy burden is when we inherit trauma that we did not directly experience. One common one I have seen time and time again in therapy with my clients that I work with in my San Diego private practice, is where a person comes from generations of having to be a single parent because the other parent left. The legacy burden often sounds like “I can never trust someone else, people always leave.” Often this person is hyper-independent, struggles with vulnerability, and can’t feel safe in their relationships. This can cause a lot of stress and conflict if a person has this in their subconscious and finds themselves struggling to feel safe enough to be vulnerable. This is even the case when their partner is very loving and there are no signs that the relationship is ending.
Real Reason Number Two Why You Always Fight with Your Partner: Because you are struggling with “otherness.”
You and your partner are different and that is okay. You do not have to be similar to your partner for the relationship to be healthy, secure, and successful. Some of the most successful couples that I have worked with in couples therapy (yes therapy is not just for when things are really bad) are often completely different yet the amount of love that they have for one another is absolutely amazing.
When we learn to accept our partners for who they are and learn to love them despite the flaws, imperfections, and the things that simply drive you up a wall sometimes- things change. But why is it hard to accept your partner for who they are? Because maybe somewhere you learned being different is bad and means loss of connection. Self love with reflect in our relationships. When we are able to accept all the parts of our partner (not abusive behavior), we are making it safer for us to feel secure. That they can love all the pieces of us. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Because it is through perfect imperfections that we are able to create and sustain lasting loving relationships.
An important point, this does not mean that we accept and excuse harmful and abusive behavior.
Real Reason Number Three Why You Always Fight with Your Partner: Because they stir up something within you that you unconsciously hate about yourself.
Sometimes we pick fights with our partners because it is a reflection. It really isn’t about them and it is all about our own internal struggles; they just happen to be playing out in our relationship. In other words, you might be projecting your own feelings onto your partner in a phenomenon known as projection.
As an example, let’s say a Kris finds themselves getting upset when they notice that their partner is not doing anything while they are tidying up the house. While they are hard away at work, Adam is relaxing, happily napping. Kris wonders to themselves, “How dare they nap, can’t they see the house is a mess and it won’t be ready for the dinner party?” But if Kris was able to sit with why this bother’s them so much, they might be able to get down to the root of the issue. Perhaps this would sound like this “When I rest, I feel guilty because there is something that I need to be doing. Doing things makes me feel productive. Being productive is how I show love or what I need to do to deserve love.”
We do this all the time! And many of us struggle with slowing down and being able to ask internally what might be going on. Hustle culture is alive and well.
Don’t beat yourself up too much. Many of us did not come from homes with parents who were able to do this. Feelings were not talked about and feelings were to be shoved way down. And maybe you knew something was off even if it wasn’t talked about. The vibes or air was tense. Or maybe a parent was passive-aggressive. This is often the case for children who were raised by emotionally immature parents.
Going internal can help a person gain awareness as to why something bothers them the way that it does. Doing so can help a person address the topic with a softer start-up. A soft start-up to a conversation can help a couple stay on the same team as they navigate their issues as opposed to being on opposing teams. We have to remember that it is me and you against this issue, not you against me. This is often a game changer for the couples I work with. But it isn’t easy!
I hope that you found the information that I shared in this post to have been helpful in helping you think about the real reasons why you might always be fighting with your partner. These were just a few possibilities but they are some of the most common things I have noticed in my practice of therapy. I encourage you to reach out for support to help you finally have the relationship that you and your partner both deserve.
With Warmth,
Elisa Blair
Hey there, I’m Elisa Blair!
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist + Founder of Mindfully Minding Me Therapy.
My specialty is couples counseling, especially for those who are BIPOC, in interracial partnerships, 1 and 2 gens wanting to break family cycles to step into a more peaceful way of doing life. I also offer depth work with individuals, helping people rewire their nervous system because traditional talk therapy sometimes is not enough when we are dealing with generational trauma.
I work with people all over San Diego, from Little Italy to Chula Vista, to La Jolla, and really all over California since I practice 100% online therapy. That means I can see people from Los Angeles to Fresno to San Jose, and San Francisco. And all while my clients get the convenience and comfort of having therapy right in their own living room.
Check out my about page to see if we are the right fit, explore my specialties page to see if I can help you break generational patterns and step into a more peaceful life. Ready to set up a free consultation?
