3 Ways Over Working Might Be Related to Trauma | Rewire & Heal Your Nervous System | Inner Child Therapy

Overworking a “side effect” of trauma?

Overworking can be a common “side-effect” of trauma. Being a workaholic can be a result of a recent life experience such as a car accident or a difficult divorce but this can also be from a large stressor from your childhood. We will throw ourselves into work as a form of distraction or as a means to create a sense of safety, we can be a trauma response.
Overworking as it relates to trauma can also be an accumulation of “little t” traumas from your childhood. In today’s post, I want to talk about 3 possible reasons we overwork and how it might be connected to trauma and then I want to give you 3 ways to help you shift your relationship with work.
As I refer to “work” this can also to working as a stay at home parent, hobbies and side hustles, and students. Work is not just the typical 9-5 office job.

The 3 possible reasons I will share about how overworking can be connected to trauma include:

Your nervous system is wired to be in crisis mode and cannot relax
You are afraid of what others might think if you don’t work hard
You have attached a negative core belief to what work means

1. Your nervous system is wired to be in crisis mode and cannot relax.

As a trauma therapist, I know a lot about the nervous system and how the nervous system changes after we have gone through a traumatic experience. It is not as easy as some people think it is to “just relax” after a person has gone through a trauma or has experienced several traumas (even smaller ones) over their lifetime. We are creatures that learn to cope and adapt. Trauma and big life stressors rewires how your brain works and solves issues of daily life. And even if our environment is safer, deep down our brains might still be waiting for things to fall apart.

Many times the clients that I work with share how they are “fine” and they don’t know why they cannot “just relax.” After we have accepted that what we have gone through was a big deal and often can be labeled as trauma, we struggle with the next step of processing this event or many events. We need to be able to unpack the messages that we have received from trauma and then integrate the experience into our lives. Often times when I start to work with clients, they have not been able to truly process what happened, our work then becomes focused on integrating and truly healing from the experiences they have endured.

Past trauma can often show up as overworking and creating situations to stress about, and we are often not aware of this! The creation of these stressful situations is not always so clear and can take time to see if we are subconsciously playing a role in the chaos that we see in our lives. Therapy helps with this. When it comes to overworking, I often see clients working really hard to get ahead, prove themselves, to live for the future.

Living for the future is a very common thing I see in my practice. This is where a person is not able to live in the present and instead, they are living for 5 or 10 years down the line where they can finally relax. But life is now, and we owe it to ourselves to be present and be in the journey that is happening now. Easier said than done, I know. Our work in therapy is to relieve ourselves of messages that are no longer serving us, which is easier said than done. And I get it that sometimes we are in situations, working a ton, because we really have to, and I want to respect that. In therapy, our work becomes how can I make this work for me so that I don’t burn out?

2. You are afraid of what others might think if you don’t work hard.

Worrying about the judgment of others is often a driver of overworking. Work alcoholics will work and work because they want to be viewed as “good.” It can create unrealistic expectations. We are not machines and rest are vital for our health and well-being. In therapy, I often work with people to slow down and see how many of their actions might be driven by a fear of what others think or judgment.

Being judgmental of ourselves and others is a survival strategy, but it can cause some serious problems in present-day life. Working to balance this in therapy can help people work less and live more all while not feeling worried about what others think about us. Overworking has lots of negative health concerns, and the United States is one of the most overworked nations. It is important for us to shift how we view work so that we can heal and heal our communities. In therapy, we can work to slowly adopt a new relationship with work, where we aren’t afraid of scarcity, security, and the future, but instead, we can learn to live in the present and be more intentional with our time.

Also, we can work on our social support system so that we don’t have to “do it all.” We need community to be successful. We are not meant to do it all on our own.

3. We have attached a negative core belief to what work means.

It is not uncommon that trauma leaves us with negative beliefs about ourselves, our self-worth, and our value. And these negative core beliefs from the trauma often show up in a person's work life. How can it not? We spend so much of our lives working. Plus work also provides people with a sense of meaning and community. Negative core beliefs can really make work feel like a chore and therapy can help.

Often times the negative core beliefs start way before a person has their career, this often starts in school. In therapy, I often work with clients to trace back times in their life when the feelings might have felt similar. This is how we do deep nervous system healing. I love being able to offer EMDR with a blend IFS to support my clients, whether they are in California or in Arizona. This type of healing can help people heal things that they “thought” they were over. I like to share that sometimes there are layers to trauma and life stressors and to approach this with compassion.

Trauma can create some pretty interesting messages about work.

Common core beliefs I have worked with my clients are:
If I don’t work harder I won’t be able to rest later
If I don’t work harder I will be seen as unproductive
If I don’t work harder I will be a failure

Sometimes these thoughts can boil down to deeper fears like this common chain of thoughts I see in clients:

If I don’t work I will be seen as a failure
If be see me as a failure, they will not love me
If people don’t love me, I will be alone

If you are reading this a feel like this is speaking to how your relationship works, you are not alone, this is super common and therapy can help you. As a trauma therapist serving not only San Diego but also the Phoenix area, because I am dually licensed, I often support people who are struggling with their work life. We often trace it back to deeper wounds and we heal those wounds in a way that is not overwhelming so that we can have deep lasting change. I love being able to offer EMDR therapy with a blend IFS therapy to support my clients, whether they are in California or in Arizona because this blend works in such a holistic way of healing a person's nervous system.

You don’t have to spend session after session talking about the scary moments of your childhood, not all trauma-informed care works that way. Often when I work with clients, I don’t know all the details, and I find that this helps the clients more. Instead of coming into therapy to trauma dump, they are working on the lingering effects of the trauma. Because the goal is to be able to heal the trauma so that it doesn’t continue to show up in life.

1. Meditate before you start your work day.

Mediation is often this is a struggle for many of us, myself included, but I am telling you a quick 5-minute meditation to check in with yourself can really set a completely different outlook for the day ahead. Meditation is not about getting a clear mind, but instead getting to know what is on our mind and giving space for what we have on our plates in that moment.

2. Make a work genogram.

As a licensed marriage and family therapist by training serving not only San Diego but also the Phoenix area, because I am dually licensed, I am a huge fan of genograms. In therapy, we create genograms for all sorts of themes in our lives. Many people in my practice joke that they have enough material for a book, and often I encourage people to write if that helps them process, whether or not they plan to publish and share their work. At the end of the day, looking at our families, looking at the themes in our families can give us a lot of information about ourselves.

If we look at the relationship that we have with work and we look at the relationship that family members have had with work, we might start to see some patterns. Were there any other people in your family who were workaholics or struggled with their relationship to work? This can really help you deepen your understanding of your relationship to work and can help you as you work to improve it and heal your relationship to overworking. I encourage unpacking this with a therapist because a lot can come up when your start to explore your family and the stressors and trauma that often have happened in your family.

3. Schedule in time for rest and fun.

Often my clients look at me funny when I ask them to schedule in time for rest and fun, but it works! We have to shift our mindset when it comes to rest as we are shifting our mindset when it comes to working.

It is important that your rest and fun do not become more work. Are the books you are reading for self-improvement or for fun? Is that hobby going to make you a better worker or is it purely for the joy of it? It is so important that we work on balance in our lives and therapy can help you notice patterns so that you are not creating more work for yourself. Because often do that without realizing it.

Take a walk over in la Jolla Shores Beach if you're in the San Diego area or over in Tempe Beach Park if you are in the Phoenix area. Anywhere with long paths and able greenery would do wonders for a restful walk. And no audiobooks or podcasts that are deep learns. This is hard in the beginning, but learning to rest and do something that is not “productive” can help you shift your relationship with work.

I hope you found this useful and I really hope you are able to shift your relationship with work. It is a very common issue and lots of people struggle with overworking. It is not always related to a trauma or major life stressor, but it is worth exploring. You are not alone and I hope you are able to reach out to a trusted therapist to support you in addressing your relationship with work.

With Warmth,

Elisa Blair