Not again. Now what does my mother-in-law want? You feel that tightness in your chest and you notice your judgy thoughts coming in full swing.

If you are struggling with getting along with your in-laws, no worries, time and time again I find myself having this very conversation with the clients I work with. You are not alone and I want to share 7 ways on how to get along with your in-laws.

Couples therapy is one of my two main areas of focus and I often work with couples struggling to be on the same page when it comes to their in-laws. I often hear a partner express, that they don’t feel supported by their partner and that they feel like it is always a competition. Often these conversations turn into an argument where both partners feel alone and not understood. Super common, I promise you that you are not alone in not getting along with your in-laws. Keep reading to learn 7 ways you can over come this.

1. You Are in Charge of Your Parents and Your Partner is in Charge of Their Parents.

It is so important that a person communicates directly with their own set of parents instead of having their partner navigate this on their own. In-laws might become more defensive or dismissive of the person who is not their child. Subconsciously an in-law might view the married partner as just that. Married in, but not really part of the family. There is no judgment here but the reality often is that our brains are also putting people into a “you” vs “us.” As a Latina therapist I often speak about how our culture can impact the “us vs them mentality”, and how easily our minds can go into danger threat mode. Survival tool but not helpful when we are trying to creating loving relationships through partnerships.

I strongly urge the couples that I work with to have each partner work directly with their own parents. This serves two functions. One, you are structuring, showing your parents and in-laws that you and your partner are a team and that undermining or games is not allowed. This will feel awkward at first but give it time. And two, you are showing your partner that you have their back and that you won’t leave them all alone in the terrible feelings of feeling like an outsider. This is the number one thing I find in the couples that I work with, that one partner often feels all alone in the struggle and all they want is for their partner to be on their team and to understand them. Easier said than done, this is why couples therapy in San Diego is so important. Also I serve Arizona and Phoenix areas as I am a dually licensed therapist practicing 100% online.

2. Have Clear Expectations.

Often conflict is a result of miscommunicating. Miscommunication with in-laws is a recipe for conflict. This conflict then often spills over the relationship that you have with your partner. A good way to tackle this is to set aside time with your partner prior to interacting with your in-laws. This could be for bigger events like holidays or for a get-together for Tuesday night dinner. The important thing is that you speak with your partner about your expectations for the event. This will help you and your partner feel like you are on the same team. As a couples therapist practicing online in San Diego, from Mission Valley to La Jolla, this is one of the first things that I work with couples on, viewing themselves as a team against whatever stressor or issue they are trying to navigate.

Then your partner can communicate this to their parents. It is important that you and your partner use team language around your parents and in-laws because this communicates to in-laws that there is a team here and that making one partner feel outcasted is not allowed. For example, saying we would love to have you over for lunch on Saturday and we have to end at 4 pm because we need to get ready for our early morning on Sunday. Setting expectations like this helps everyone know what is expected and can help reduce anxiety and possible conflict. Again this might feel super awkward but it will get easier over time!

3. Identify the Hierarchy.

Depending on your culture, the hierarchy in the family might look different. Everyone’s family is different and it is important to discuss this with your partner. Are the grandparents or in-laws the ones calling the shots? Or is there room for your relationship with your partner to stand on its own and not feel obligated into behaving and complying?

These are some of the most uncomfortable conversations that I often have with my couples. But they are very important conversations. Setting boundaries is for us and not for others and we have to be mindful of what this looks like with a cultural lens. As a Latina therapist in an interracial partnership, I understand how deep some of these wounds can feel and I work with lived and clinical experience in my work with couples. I often provide therapy for BIPOC folks and other couples who are interracial partnerships providing a space where they can learn to have difficult conversations to help them have the relationship of their dreams.

Having this conversation with compassion with your partner will help prevent resentment from the building. Having a secure relationship where we can express our thoughts and feelings is so important for having a relationship where we are getting our attachment needs met.

4. Share Your Concerns With Your Partner in the Form of an “I statement.”

We discussing ill feelings about in-laws with your partner, we want to be sure to be using “I statements.” An “I statement” owns that these are your feelings and prevents blame from being put on your partner. This is often something that I teach early on in couples therapy. Rarely does a “you statement” ever get the other person to comply and change their ways. It is almost always a ticket for blame and disaster.

A conversation about your in-laws with your partner can look like this:
I statement: “I felt annoyed that they commented on our kiddo's clothing again”
Simple request: “I would like you to ask them to not do that”
Then, both you and your partner can move on to exploring how to meet each other's needs in a calm and compassionate way.

5. Get Curious About Why Your In-Laws Bother You so Much.

It is very common for people to complain about their inlaws but it becomes rare to identify what it is that really bothers you about your in-laws. Do they reflect something that you don’t like about the world, about yourself? Do they remind you of someone from your past? These are great topics to explore in journaling and therapy. Often our pet peeves and triggers of others is often the result of deeper things that are worth exploring in a nonjudgmental space with a therapist.

6. Let Go of What You Cannot Control.

This is not only a pro tip on how to get along with your in-laws but also on how to get along with people in general, let go of what you cannot control. We often find ourselves in situations where we want to control others, control feels good because then we have more perceived safety. But in our relationships and life, we actually have very little control. The same applies to our in-laws. Often I work with people to identify if they are struggling with control issues and what is their worry with being able to let go of what they cannot control.

Earlier I talked about setting clear expectations and boundaries. Yes, this is important and it is also important to know that there are things I will not be able to control when it comes to my inlaws. Your in-laws are humans and humans are complicated and messy. We can learn to accept that and work to see the beauty in that.

7. Get Unbiased Support.

Talking with a neutral person can help you navigate tough situations. A friend that is trusted and both on your and your partner's side. A therapist can also help you navigate a difficult in-law situation. There are lots of situations out there that are messy and often leave people feeling hurt and baffled. It can be really helpful to explore this with a therapist. A good couples therapist can support you and your partner in being able to navigate tough in-law situations so that you feel like you and your partner are a team again. Easier said than done, this is why couples therapy in San Diego is so important. Also I serve Arizona and Phoenix areas as I am a dually licensed therapist practicing 100% online.

With Warmth,

Elisa Blair