Is your relationship feeling like all work and no play?

Are you tired of feeling like your relationship is all work, all the time? You find yourself arguing and working on improving your communication, improving intimacy, and improving the love that you feel.
But is this how relationships are supposed to be, all work and no play? Nope! As a couples therapist supporting couples all over San Diego and California and in Phoenix and all over Arizona, I am here to share 5 ways how to increase joy and play in your relationships.

5 ways to increase joy and play in your relationships.

1. Do something new together

This can be going on a walk in a park or part of town that you have not been to. This can be picking up a new hobby together, like indoor rock climbing, or trying out a new recipe once a week. My biggest advice is that this activity cannot be someone you need a screen for, like watching tv or playing video games together. Instead, go outside, and connect over doing something in the community with others.

When we learn something new, our brains are on fire. This can help us build a deeper connection with our partner. The same applies to friendships! You will be creating memories together and you will increase that feeling of being on the same team. As a couples therapist supporting couples all over San Diego and California and in Phoenix and all over Arizona, this is one of the first things we work on together in couples therapy. We work on identify how to build up our friendship because it makes tackling issues more doable.

Shared experiences can help us feel like our partner is on our team. This will help us feel loved and secure in our relationship. And when we have conflict our brains will remember that this person is on our team and the argument is likely to be resolved without too much heat.

2. Don’t be afraid to play like children

I know for myself that I absolutely love letting that silly child side of me play with my husband. And there is something magical about seeing that side of him come out too. When we soften up around our partners, we are able to build more safety and security in our relationship.
Most relationships are made of an anxious partner and an avoidant partner. This matchup is why many couples engage in a “push and pull” dynamic when it comes to arguments. But when we play with our partners, we have the opportunity to teach our brains to relax around this person. This is how I have helped many couples become more secure in their relationships. The same applies to the individual clients I work with who have had trauma. Play is like medicine for the brain, in helping feel safe again.

3. Use nicknames

As cheesy as it sounds, nicknames can help us feel more loving in our relationship. A special name (or several) can help us feel extra special. Play around with a few and don’t feel so embarrassed to use them in public.

Here are some of the more common ones that the couples I have worked with have created: sweetie, honey, sweetheart, sweet wife/husband, muffin, and lover. Be creative. And use nicknames that soften your heart and put a smile on your face. As a couples therapist supporting couples all over San Diego and California and in Phoenix and all over Arizona, I have heard some pretty fun, interesting, and smile inducing nicknames.

4. Work on your own happiness

Even when I work with couples, I stress the importance of getting to know our inner child wounds and working daily to heal them. I do believe that much of our healing can occur in relationships, by having corrective experiences with a loving partner. However, there is a lot of work that cannot be done in our relationships.

We have to work on our awareness daily and work on integrating this into our relationships. The strongest, happiest couples grow together. They work on themselves and bring their best selves into their relationships.

We cannot expect our partners to make us happy. We have to make the necessary shifts inside to create a life where we are happy. And remember the goal is not to be happy all the time, because all our emotions are important for having human experiences. As a couples therapist supporting couples all over San Diego and California and in Phoenix and all over Arizona, I often suggest that people consider individual therapy as they are in couples therapy, to support them in healing some of their deeper wounds. I have lots of therapist whom I trust that I refer clients too. This also helps with collaboration so that you get the best care possible.

5. Have a weekly meeting with your partner

The Gottmans, researchers in relationships, call this the “State of the Union” meeting. I urge the couples that I work with to set time aside each and every week to go over the goods and the bads of how their relationship is doing. Lots of couples are reluctant to do this in the beginning, because they are afraid of stirring the pot, so to speak. But they soon see the importance of tackling issues before they become bigger. Plus it is so important to acknowledge the things that are going well to support feelings of appreciation.
Appreciation is one of the number one things most people fight about in their partnerships. People report that they feel like their partner doesn’t appreciate all that they do. And to make it worst their partner only points out what is wrong.
At these weekly meetings, I encourage couples to go on walks together or to sit down over a cup of hot chocolate or tea. This way it becomes a ritual between the couple. These weekly meetings can help you and your partner stay on track and serves as an opportunity to share appreciation. This helps us feel more joy.
As a Latina couples therapist, I often explore with clients impacts that their culture, race, and upbringings play. Often these weekly meetings are nerve wracking because we often don’t come from homes where feelings were talked about and issues were addressed in a loving way. Therapy can help make this the norm in your relationships.

Adding in Joy Will Not Fix All Your Relationship Problems

Focusing on joy is not always enough in improving our relationships. It is important to explore the hurts and pain that have occurred, to heal the relationship. I often support couples who have experienced infidelity, emotional betrayal, and childhood traumas that continue to impact how they show up in the relationship.

Relationships are hard. Love is hard. It is said that love is a verb, where you put in work daily. I really do think that. And I also think it is so important to have balance. A good, healthy relationship should not feel like work all the time. There should be lots of rest, relaxation, and feelings of joy. Being in healthy relationships improves our mental health and well-being. Hopefully, these tips are helpful in helping you create more joy in your relationships.

With Warmth,

Elisa Blair