Are you a people-pleaser and do you find it hard to make choices, set boundaries, and be okay with other people having THEIR feelings? Welcome to the club. As someone who is in recovery from people-pleasing, I can relate and so can hundreds if not millions of people who struggle with people-pleasing tendencies.
As a therapist who specializes in inner child work and trauma recovery, I work with lots of people who are working on putting themselves first in a compassionate way that respects not only the other person but also their own self.
I will go over 5 signs you are a people-pleaser and 5 ways to help you as you learn to show up in a healthier way in your relationships. But first I want to go over how this might be connected to trauma and I urge you to consider speaking with a professional. You do not have to walk this alone.

How people pleasing can be connected to trauma.

As a therapist practicing in San Diego and all over California and in Phoenix and all over Arizona (Yay! To being dually licensed), I have worked with lots of people who struggle with people-pleasing tendencies, and just about everyone I have worked with has experienced a trauma. Trauma is more common than most people think. My definition of trauma is anything that is not nurturing as this can leave lasting impacts on how we show up in the rest of our lives. Great trauma therapy is holistic and addresses the nervous system with somatic interventions, like EMDR. This is why reaching out to a quality, trauma-informed therapist is so important.

Trauma rewires our brain to where we are no longer able to see the world through an adaptive lens. Meaning that trauma can suck out all the positivity in how we view the world and how we view ourselves. Hello, depression and anxiety. This is why I offer somatic interventions such as EMDR and IFS in addition to traditional talk therapy, to help people heal the trauma on a nervous system level. If someone goes through a trauma, they might struggle to set boundaries and are always putting other people first, even at the expense of their own happiness and well-being.

People pleasing might be a learned behavior that a person picked up when they were a child. Children are very smart and they will learn how to navigate a messy home life in the best way they can, and people pleasing might have been the answer to avoiding harm in a chaotic home. Also, they might have learned this behavior by watching a parent do this in response to another parent’s unpredictable and aggressive behavior. Again kids are so resourceful and those kids grow up. Now as grown-ups, it is important to unlearn and heal all the wonderful coping skills that kept you safe. Being a people-pleaser is a wonderful coping strategy that may have helped you navigate stressful situations. But now as an adult, it might be getting in the way of building mutually respectful friendships, dating healthy partners, and asserting yourself in toxic work environments. As a therapist practicing in San Diego and all over California and in Phoenix and all over Arizona (Yay! To being dually licensed) this is something I work with clients to heal.

1. You struggle with simple choices.

For example, like when someone asks you what you want to eat. Your default answer might just be “whatever you want, I am happy with that.” Sounds harmless, but slow down and think about whether you even checked internally for the possibility of having a preference. Maybe you are craving a certain food but your default was to not even check in with what your preference might be. A people-pleaser struggles with having a connection to their inner world, they struggle with embodiment. I love recommending to my clients that they consider yoga or meditation to help them rebuild this inner connection. Therapy can help you work on embodiment and rebuilding that connection between your mind and your body, make sure you seek out a trauma-informed therapist. This is so important for couples therapy too!

2. You are too “go with the flow.”

You are never bothered by the inconvenience other people might pose. Anger is a healthy emotion that gives us important information about when something is not okay. Lots of people think that anger is bad and that it is something that we need to keep in check. Even in the mental health world, we tell people they need to go see an anger management specialist or take a class on anger management. It was something that I never really liked as a therapist because it shames people for having anger. Anger is a healthy and important emotion. There are no bad emotions.

A people-pleaser might be afraid of anger not only in others but also in themselves. They might feel like they can never express that they do not like something because they are afraid of what others might think. People-pleasers tend to be very afraid of judgment and what others think about them, or might think about them. Hypotheticals can really get a people-pleaser into an anxiety spiral.

3. You overanalyze your social interactions.

People-pleasers might do this to the point of obsession, where you play out the conversation in your head, scanning for something that you might have said, that might have made someone uncomfortable. You might find yourself being very watchful or hypervigilant to the facial expressions of the other person, scanning for changes in their feelings. Then you might start to wonder if you were ever out of line or if you could have been more friendly.

Perhaps if someone takes a long time to get back to you, your immediate thought is that you said something mean, that you overshared, or that you bothered them. Then the anxiety spiral sets in and you start to question your ability to be a good friend. Breathing in a time like this is so helpful. Try breathing and saying out loud that you are noticing that you are doing that thing where you start to think this way. And to breathe and be there with that part of you in a calm observing way. This takes practice and your therapist can help you.

4. You say sorry a lot. Like a lot.

Politeness is not the same as being kind. I think people often get the two mixed up and it is for fear of upsetting someone else. We are often told not to talk about certain things because it isn’t polite to ask or talk about stuff. This is really an effort to prevent others from being uncomfortable. But instead, maybe we should be aiming for being kind. Where we are respectful towards others, instead of avoiding hurting someone because we are afraid. It might be better to aim for not hurting others because we are compassionate and aware. This is something that people pleasers struggle with because saying anything could have been a huge problem when they were younger or in a past abusive relationship. Therefore the best thing is to say nothing and to not ruffle people's feathers. This silences your voice and it can lead to feeling anxious and depressed.

5. You don’t like others being upset with you.

This is a hallmark trait of people-pleasers because a people-pleaser's greatest fear is that they will be abandoned if someone else is upset with them. As a child, this was probably a very useful coping strategy. Kids learn what makes mommy and daddy upset and they will avoid those things at all costs. Losing the love of a parent becomes tied with a parent getting upset. Again kids are so resourceful but as an adult, this does not work. People get upset all the time. People getting upset with us should not get in the way of having healthy boundaries. It is so important and healthy to not be afraid of others having feelings about you or in response to your actions. Because sometimes those actions are super important for our own health and wellness. Like saying no to something when we don’t have the time, energy, or resources to do something.

1. Start small and breathe before you give a response.

If someone asks you what you want to get for dinner, slow down and breathe. Check-in with yourself before you go to a default answer of “whatever sounds good to you, sounds good to me.”

2. Meditate daily, even for 5 minutes.

Get to know this people-pleasing part. The goal is to get to know it, thank it for working so hard, and work with it to relax a bit. Remember that the people-pleasing part of you isn’t bad, it probably got you through some difficult times.

3. Don’t jump to conclusions.

Try to balance emotion with reason. If a friend is taking forever to respond. Don’t jump to conclusions. Maybe they are busy. It will get easier to do this with practice.

4. Tell yourself positive affirmations that don’t feel “gaslighty.”

I have a thing about positive affirmations. I feel like they can be “gaslighty” at times. Instead work on creating affirmations that you would like to have, this is a small shift that feels good to those inner parts that don’t feel or believe this affirmation yet. For example, instead of saying “I am a good friend” (because parts of you might struggle with believing this), you could say “I am working on being a thoughtful person who is working on being a good friend.” Again it is a super small shift, but I have found this to work really well for people who have been turned off by positive affirmations.

5. If someone is upset with you or at your behavior, give it space.

Do not try to make it better or come to the rescue right away. Unless you are clearly in the wrong. Most of the time this is not the case, and a people-pleaser struggles with allowing others to have their feelings. Other people are allowed to have their feelings. So give yourself space as you navigate how to interact with someone else when they are having THEIR feelings. Maybe you just acknowledge they are upset but you aren’t going to change your answer.

For example, someone asks to borrow money and you say no. And then they get upset. Give it space and don’t give in. Notice that they are upset, and that is okay. Boundaries are not for other people to feel better, boundaries are for you to feel better.

Okay, but what if that person doesn’t like this new version of me not people pleasing and they leave?

A great point. Setting boundaries and showing up differently in our relationship where we respect others AND ourselves is easier said than done. The money example I use above is a personal one for me and I chose this example because I have been there too. And it is tough to say no, but it is important to show others how to be in a relationship with you. It is important to know what your idea of a good relationship is so that you can surround yourself with loving and healthy relationships. And sometimes that means upsetting others and adjusting your relationships.
Grief is a part of the healing journey and a therapist can help you with this, because doing this alone is hard.

People stress to me in therapy, that they are afraid to say what they want or think because of the other person leaving. That after they assert themselves, then the other person will no longer be their friend or will no longer want to date them. Even harder when the person is a close family member. It is tough but in therapy, we explore if that relationship was healthy to begin with because a healthy relationship is one where BOTH people are respected. As a therapist practicing in San Diego and all over California and in Phoenix and all over Arizona (Yay! To being dually licensed) this is a conversation I have all the time, at least a couple times a week.

People-pleasers struggle with their relationships for lots of different reasons. They might struggle to make deep, healthy connections, even though they deeply crave this type of connection. Breaking the people-pleasing habit is doable and a trusted therapist can help you with your people-pleasing recovery. People pleasing is not always a trauma response, but it is worth exploring this with a therapist. I hope you found this information useful. From a people-pleasure in recovery, please take care of yourself.

With Warmth,

Elisa Blair