7 Ways Loneliness Might be Impacting You Post-Pandemic.
Hi there, I just wanted to start off by saying that if you are struggling with loneliness you are not alone. Day in and day out I have conversations with therapy clients about how lonely they are and hard it has been. I too have been struggling with loneliness on and off over the last few years. I think just now people are starting to catch up to the complex trauma that was the COVID-19 pandemic. Just now people are understanding that they were in crisis mode for the last few years and now we are starting to come to terms with this as we make space for healing.
7 ways loneliness might be impacting you post pandemic
You feel like you have no “real” friends
You feel bored when you are around others
You find yourself feeling guilty for staying in
You have been overworking
You find it hard to relax and fall asleep at night
You notice that you have become more judgmental
You are struggling with your identity
I want to share seven ways that loneliness may be showing up in your life during post covid-19 pandemic. By no means is this list extensive, but these are some of the more common ones that I am noticing in my practice. Please reach out to a trusted mental health professional, you do not have to walk this alone.
1. You might be struggling with loneliness if you feel like you have no “real” friends.
If you find yourself thinking that you have no “real friends” you might be struggling with loneliness. Even more so after the pandemic, things became harder for friendships, and relationships in general became harder to maintain. Things became tense and heated, with politics and navigating conversations about race, gender, and worldwide tensions. People did the best that they could, and I really believe that they are still doing the best that they can with what they have at that moment. Not to be confused with excusing bad behavior.
But all of this and more makes it hard to know who are your real friends. Who can you trust to talk to when you are afraid that you might start a conflict? Who is really there for you? Even more so, we were told not to see others because it was a health concern. This was necessary at the moment, but our brains cannot make sense of this at a deeper level. And now that we are coming out of the pandemic (slowly) our brains are adjusting to feeling safe again in groups, and in the community. Many people are sharing that they struggle with social skills, and anxiety, and just feel tense. Please be compassionate with yourself as you navigate feeling safe in public.
Covid 19 was traumatic, and it makes sense that it takes time to heal and feel comfortable doing things. As a trauma therapist practicing online in San Diego and all over California and in Phoenix and all over Arizona, I have had countless conversations helping people unpack just how impactful going through the pandemic was. From socializing to going to a crowded place like the grocery store after work. If you work from home, this can be even more true. Being social is a skill and please be kind to yourself as you build up your relationships again.
2. You might be struggling with loneliness if you feel bored when you are around others.
Maybe you have been trying to be more social lately but find yourself feeling alone and not really enjoying the company of others. You find yourself feeling distracted, not present, and bored. Perhaps this is natural as it takes time to adjust. And also this might be a sign that you might need to reevaluate your friendships. We all went through so much over the last few years. It is okay if you have outgrown certain friendships. You don’t need to end friendships but perhaps you might need to reevaluate how often you see someone or how you spend your time with them. This will free up space, and now you can make space for friendships that are nurturing you.
Boredom is something I often work with people to explore. As a trauma therapist practicing online in San Diego and all over California and in Phoenix and all over Arizona, it is so important to teach my clients the difference between boredom and calmness. If we have gone through a lot, especially in our childhoods, it can be hard for our nervous systems to tell the difference. This is why I just love EMDR therapy to help people rewire their nervous systems.
3. You find yourself feeling guilty for staying in, when you really wanted to go out.
This is another common thing I see, where a part of a person wants to stay in and a part of a person wants to be social. I encourage clients to simply notice that and to be curious. Just give ourselves space for all the pieces of us, even the pieces of us that conflict with one another. It is common for these parts to get activated after seeing posts on social media or hearing stories.
When we notice these conflicting parts we can then move forward with negotiating. Maybe we go out for just an hour and then we come home, we want to support choice. As a therapist practicing online in San Diego and all over California and in Phoenix and all over Arizona, I support people in getting to know all these parts: the thoughts, the feelings, and the body sensations. Some call it IFS therapy, some call it inner child therapy, and at the end of the day building a nicer relationship with all your parts is 100% worth it.
4. You might be struggling with loneliness if you have been overworking.
People will often through themselves into work and neglect other areas of their lives. During the pandemic, people worked a lot. People were asked to be flexible and I really do think this burned people out. Plus lots of us will turn to work as a form of avoidance from feelings, thoughts, and the stressors we are currently going through. It is not a sustainable way to live life through. We are not machines and having space for work is important.
Repeat after me: your value does not come from your productivity.
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Work is good. It gives us a sense of purpose and fulfillment and also gives us the money we need to live. But working too much is going to take away from other areas of your life. Your relationships will suffer if you are working too much. Please breathe as you being to explore your relationship with work.
As a trauma therapist practicing online in San Dego and all over California and in Phoenix and all over Arizona, one of the biggest things I have supported people with over the last few years is addressing their burnout. People are burnt out to the point where they often label themselves as crispy. They find themselves irritable and just not feeling any happiness. So please don’t overwork yourself. Your value is defined by your productivity.
5. You might be struggling with loneliness if you find it hard to relax and fall asleep at night.
Can you think of a time when you had the best night's sleep after a long day of socializing? I feel like for myself those are the nights where my sleep is just the best. There is something about socializing that tires us out. We are taking in a lot. Plus we get lots of feel-good hormones when we connect with others. We are social creatures. And loneliness can impact our desire to want to connect with others. Which can impact restful nights.
Not everyone is into a night out on the town, and you don’t have to do that to have a social life. You can invite a friend over for coffee and just chit-chat, or go out to the bookstore together. Being social can look like so many different things.
Being social can help us improve our mental health and it can help us feel less lonely. This in turn can help us get a great night's sleep. Which means better mental health. It is a cycle that keeps on giving. I encourage you to find ways to be social that align with your values.
6. You might be struggling with loneliness if you notice that you have become more judgmental of yourself and others.
If you find yourself being mean to yourself and others, this could be a consequence of being lonely. When we are isolated from others we find more time with our thoughts and those thoughts can tend to be more negative. Being in a community with others and feeling like we have a strong social connection can help support us in cultivating more compassion. We build compassion, we are able to be curious about all our human “flaws” and the human “flaws” of others.
Critical and intrusive thoughts are very common in people who have gone through trauma. The pandemic was very traumatic and as a trauma therapist practicing online in San Diego and all over California and in Phoenix and all over in Arizona, I have been noticing just how impactful the pandemic was on people. Myself included. We are just now coming to terms with just how heavy it all was, and I find myself urging my clients to slow down, to give themselves compassion as they begin to navigate post-pandemic life.
Our nervous systems have been through a lot and this is why I love using trauma-informed care such as Internal Family Systems (IFS) and EMDR therapy to support people in their healing journeys. Our bodies can hold on to trauma and this can absolutely impact how we show up in relationships and impact our feelings of loneliness.
7. You might be struggling with loneliness if you are struggling with your identity.
They say that our personality is made up of the 5 closest people that we spend our time with and if we aren’t hanging out with people it can be hard to know who we are. So much of our identity is in relation to others. If we find ourselves unsure of who were are, it can be hard to find people we truly connect ourselves with. As a trauma therapist practicing online in San Diego and all over California and in Phoenix and all over Arizona, my clients often struggle to find themselves. Trauma, both little t, and big T can impact a person in how they view their identity.
We might label ourselves as a hiker, a mom, foodies, or a gamer. These identities can ground us and help us make meaning of the world around us. Having groups that reflect these identities can help support us in feeling less lonely.
Often I tell my clients to try and date different identities and labels. You can try on hiking, cooking classes, or video games. And also to give yourself permission to acknowledge that you can be new to something and still consider yourself part of this new community. We have to be careful, because our brains can start to be judgemental or critical of ourselves, telling us that we can’t call ourselves a hiker, gamer, or improv person until we met some marker. Also, remember that our identity constantly shifts. We are not the same person we were a year ago. And that is okay.
Why is it so important to address loneliness? Because loneliness can have severe effects on your mental and physical health.
Remember we are social creatures and we are meant to be in community with others. We are not meant to do life alone. Those who report loneliness struggle more with health concerns. Research has shown that loneliness is more dangerous than 15 cigarettes a day. This is so wild to me, but as a mental health professional, I am able to understand why. As a trauma therapist practicing online in San Diego and all over California and in Phoenix and all over Arizona, I make it a priority to address loneliness in the clients that I work with in my private practice.
This is why one of the first things I work on with my clients is helping them explore and understand their social life. What is working and what needs to improve? I help them learn how to create mutually beneficial friendships where their needs are being met, without feeling like they are people-pleasing or overly needy. I help them learn how to have a different relationship with how they approach relationships so that they have healing and nurturance.
I hope you found the information I shared to be helpful and by no means is this an extensive list. I have heard lots of my clients sharing how lonely they are and finding community is at the top of our goals when they first start therapy. A good therapist can help support you in identifying if you are lonely and can work with you on how to address this so that your mental health can improve.
With Warmth,
Elisa Blair
Hey there, I’m Elisa Blair!
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist + Founder of Mindfully Minding Me Therapy.
My specialty is couples counseling, especially for those who are BIPOC, in interracial partnerships, 1 and 2 gens wanting to break family cycles to step into a more peaceful way of doing life. I also offer depth work with individuals, helping people rewire their nervous system because traditional talk therapy sometimes is not enough when we are dealing with generational trauma.
I work with people all over San Diego, from Little Italy to Chula Vista, to La Jolla, and really all over California since I practice 100% online therapy. That means I can see people from Los Angeles to Fresno to San Jose, and San Francisco. And all while my clients get the convenience and comfort of having therapy right in their own living room.
I work with people all over Arizona from Flagstaff to Phoenix to Tucson 100% online therapy. Since I am dually licensed, I can see people who reside in both states or find that they travel often. And all while my clients get the convenience and comfort of having therapy right in their own living room.
Check out my about page to see if we are the right fit, explore my specialties page to see if I can help you break generational patterns and step into a more peaceful life. Ready to set up a free consultation?
