Are you a good friend to yourself?

If you are the type who is quick to point out your flaws and struggles to acknowledge all the reasons why you are great, you might have a very strong inner critic. An inner critic is basically the opposite of a cheerleader. It flares up when you start to doubt your abilities, and when you find yourself nitpicking.
Imposter syndrome anyone? Maybe you struggle with feeling like an imposter and that inner critic contributes to feeling like you have full-blown imposter syndrome, despite having the credentials or experience to back up your name.
Often times people tend to be a better friend to others than they are to themselves, something that therapy can help with is improving your self love, compassion, and relationship that you have with yourself. Afterall it is the longest relationship that you will have. If you are wondering how to to get rid of your inner critic or relax your inner critic keep reading.

Inner critics is something that I would argue everyone has, some of us just have a stronger one than others. With therapy clients, I often explore this with inner child work, IFS, and EMDR to help us unpack and rewire our brains to help us feel more calm and confident. Often I can trace this back with the clients in my therapy practice, to early childhood traumas and stressors. Perhaps you had a lot of pressure placed on you in academics or sports, or maybe you lived in a chaotic home where being seen and not heard was important.

Even more recently, the pandemic caused a flare-up for many people’s inner critic. We were expected to do it all. Run the home, work, educate our kids, and try not to panic about the state of the world. We were asked of a lot and just now are people coming out of crisis mode and trying to reintegrate into life post-pandemic. I want to share with you seven ways to help your inner critic relax. By no means is this list exhaustive, but I hope it points you in the right direction.

1. Notice the inner critic without judgment

Often people try to push away uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, and sensations. The problem with ignoring is that our issue will rarely go away. An inner critic is just a cluster of thoughts, feelings, and sensations. I often imagine an actual little person, yelling out of a megaphone, keeping me on my toes. A a therapist practice in San Diego and all over California and in Phoenix and all over Arizona (Yay! To being dually licensed and working online) I make this a priorty in our therapy work together. I guide people in buildings a different relationship with their internal critic.

What I teach clients is to notice instead of ignore the inner critic. Doing so can help us create a different relationship with this inner critic. I really believe that inner critics often mean well and have good intentions. Therefore I teach clients to befriend this inner critic, get to know it and to help it relax. Time and time again this really works!

2. Exercise and get your body moving

Exercise is super underrated when it comes to improving your mental health, but a simple daily walk can do wonders for your mental health. Currently, I live in the Phoenix metro area in Arizona and though the summers are brutal, the rest of the year is perfect for a hike in Popago Park or window shopping in downtown Scottsdale. Walking and moving our bodies are so important for healing.

When we move our bodies we are moving around energy to help get the gunk out so that the healing good stuff has a chance to replace it. As an EMDR therapist, I often explain that walking is a form of bilateral stimulation that clients can do in between our sessions. There is a reason we say “I just needed to walk it off” after a stressful moment. As a therapist, I usually walk my dog around lunch to help ground and reset in between my client sessions. Please don’t forget to speak with your medical doctor before starting an exercise routine.

3. Breathwork can help relax an inner critic

Breath is part of our body's regulation system. Box breathing and belly breathing is something I often share with my clients to help them relax their nervous systems. Whether you are going to a traditional breathwork meditation, going to a Hatha-style yoga practice, or using a meditation from youtube, I can promise you that breathwork is a game changer when addressing inner critics.

An inner critic is really part of the protection system. As a Latina therapist practicing in San Diego and all over California and in Phoenix and all over Arizona (Yay! To being dually licensed), I often work with others who are part of the BIPOC community and we work to unpack where these messages came from. It could be chaotic childhood homes and it could be from society. It is worth exploring, unpacking, and letting go of messages that no longer serve us. It means well and wants to keep us on our toes. Breathwork can help soothe the inner critic, helping it relax. Our “danger-danger” system is often activated by things in our environment that are not that dangerous, This is our evolution plus if you have had lots of stressors or trauma, this can further prime the inner critic.

4. Build a mind-body connection

Becoming more embodied is a journey for many of us and working on embodiment can help us relax our inner critic. Whether you had childhood abuse, toxic past relationships, or are oppressed by society a common repose is our bodies and minds with become disconnected. I have even seen this in my practice related to the pandemic and the trauma that has caused people. I still can’t believe how much we have been through only in the last few years. Feeling more distance, not being present, or dissociating is a coping strategy.

When we are more in touch with our bodies we might be able to pick up on the warning signs that led to our inner critic becoming activated. Mindfulness is a great tool and so is yoga. Anything that can help you be with your body, notice what is going on and build more awareness, connection, and internal trust is so important. A therapist trained in embodiment therapy or somatic type therapy or “bottom-up” therapies can help you. This type of therapy is helpful when talk therapy is not cutting it anymore, this is why I received extra training in EMDR Therapy to help support people in rebuilding their mind body connection, because sometimes talk therapy isn’t enough.

5. Practice gratitude daily

Our brains naturally go to the negative because this has been evolutionary helpful for us as human beings. We learn to stay away from things that might hurt us, so we are watchful and pessimistic. Stay away from bears, poisonous mushrooms, and anything else that could hurt you. The problem in modern-day life is that this can easily spiral for some people and causes severe anxiety. Our inner critics are often fuelled by anxiety and fear.

Practicing daily gratitude is so helpful. It can help support you in requiring your brain to be more positive or at the least more balanced, where you aren’t pulling so negative all the time. A simple 3 bullet mark on a journal where you identify what is going well or what you are proud of can have huge impacts in the long run. We don’t improve our mental health overnight, it takes daily effort, but I believe in you. Please reach out to a therapist, you don’t have to do this alone.

6. Rename your critic to an advisor

Maybe your inner critic can benefit from a new job. Perhaps they can be an advisor to you, where they work with you instead of against you. Feel free to come up with a different name, one that works for you. Just take a moment and think about how beneficial this could be for your overall system. A simple shift from being critical of yourself or others to be thoughtful can help relax the toughest of critics.

I often practice internal family systems or IFS therapy when I work with my clients as I often blend IFS and EMDR together. Something I support clients doing is seeing if their inner critic is tired. More often than not the answer is yes, very tired. And their whole internal system is tired too. Therefore we work on letting go of that role so that we can make space for a lighter role.

7. Explore with a therapist where this inner critic came from

Many of us have an inner critic, and some of us have really strong ones. I urge you to consider working with a trained trauma-informed therapist who can support you identify where this came from. I often share with my clients that trauma is anything that is not nurturing and that continues to have lasting impacts on how we show up with not only others but ourselves, internally. An inner critic is probably a coping skill and it probably served you well. A therapist can help you unpack that, heal, and work towards a life where you are more at ease.

I hope you found this information to be helpful! Remember you do not have to walk this alone.

With Warmth,

Elisa Blair