Are you co-dependent or overly needy? Co-dependency is an important conversation to have with your partner, therapist, and most importantly, yourself.

As a couples therapist, I often work with couples to explore what is a healthy level of dependence on their partner. Where is the line between someone having our backs, verses I had no sense of self in this relationship? I have spent hours making safe spaces for couples and individuals to explore these tough questions.
It is an important conversation. It is important to address because having a healthy level of dependence is what can make the difference between a toxic relationship and a healthy relationship.
In this post, I am going to talk a little about how our culture contributes to fear of being co-dependent, and I will give you five conversation prompts to have either with yourself, a therapist, or your partner to start exploring if you or your partner (maybe both) are overly needy.

A Healthy Relationship Has a Balance Between “Me-ness” and “We-ness.”

In relationships, we often talk about having a balance between “me-ness” and “we-ness.” As a couples therapist, this is something that I work on couples weekly if not daily on. It is a common theme in relationships. You might be struggling and asking yourself the following questions:

Am I asking for too much from my partner?
Am I asking for too little from my partner?
Is my partner asking too much of me?
Am I co-dependent? Is what I am experiencing co-dependency issues?
Have I lost myself, my identity, because of my relationship?
Is what I am feeling a normal amount of neediness?

These questions and the variables of the questions above are things I often hear of the clients that I work with and in therapy, we work to unpack these thoughts and messages. It can feel overwhelming at times to navigate if what you are feeling is a normal amount of neediness as opposed to an obsessive amount of neediness. In the United States, we live in a society that praises independence, and we are taught that being dependent on someone else (unless you are a child) is something lesser than. You are taught to believe that asking for help is a sign of weakness. But sometimes this logic, or way of thinking, can get us into trouble, because we are social creatures, and having others to count on is a healthy thing to do when you are a social creature where the connection is everything.

As a Latina therapist, I come from a background where the community aspect is huge. Latin American culture, like many other cultures, is collectivistic. Meaning that we view the community to be more important that the individual. This is quite opposite of the teachings and messages I received here in the states. Even more so my husband is Japanese American, coming from a similar background where the community is more important that the individual. I support BIPOC therapy clients all over San Diego and all over California and in Phoenix and all over Arizona (Yay! To being dually licensed) as an online trauma-informed individual and couples therapist.

We Are Hardwired to Be in Connection With Others.

There are pro and cons to each way of thought and what I have learned as a mental health therapist is that perhaps many of the reasons people struggle in their relationships are related to a lack of healthy dependence on other human beings. We are social creatures and we are hardwired to be in groups for our own safety and well-being. This is in our DNA, and this is part of the way we have evolved over thousands of years. Being in connection with others is a deep part of being human and when our needs are being met we might find ourselves struggling with mental health struggles like depression and anxiety, plus relationship struggles.

The following are five conversations to have to explore if you or your partner are overly needy. Honestly, these conversations can apply to all relationships including siblings, friendships, and anyone else you might struggle with relationship-wise.

5 Conversations to Have to Explore if You or Your Partner Are Overly Needy.

Can you or your partner identify as being a people pleaser?
Do you hate conflict? And avoid it at all costs?
Do you feel fake in your relationship, like you are performing for the other person?
Do you feel intense emotions when the other person says no?
Are you struggling with communication?

1. Can You or Your Partner Identify as Being a People-Pleaser?

Being a people-pleaser can get in the way of having good relationship boundaries. It can make it difficult for people to be okay with other people having their feelings when they make a choice. If in your partnership you find yourself tip-toeing around your partner or worrying about their reaction, you might struggle with people-pleasing.

People-pleasers often struggle with excessive neediness because they are worried about losing connection. Therefore lots of their behaviors might be the result of feeling worried and anxious. This can make someone struggle with excessive neediness because they are double and triple checking to make sure everything is okay. In my therapy practice, this fear is common in therapy clients who have struggled with childhood abuse or adult children of emotionally immature parents. I support BIPOC and adult children of emotionally immature parents in therapy (Inner Child Therapy), supporting clients all over San Diego and all over California and in Phoenix and all over Arizona (Yay! To being dually licensed) as an online trauma-informed individual and couples therapist.

2. Do You Hate Conflict? And Do You Avoid Conflict at All Costs?

Conflict is something lots of people dislike and conflict is often something that lots of people actively avoid. Conflict is a normal part of life. In my therapy practice I often work with people who grew up in homes where there was chaos and conflict was never handled well.

As a Latina therapist, I often work with other people of color who have similar stories to my own where alcohol often created very uncomfortable situations. As adults, we can heal and re-wire our nervous system to heal. We can work towards being more comfortable or accepting of conflict, without having our fight, flight, or freeze response kick in. As a specialist in adults who have gone through childhood trauma, I work with people to address deep wounds so that they can finally have a life where they feel more at ease.

3. Do You Feel Fake in Your Relationship, Like You Are Performing for the Other Person?

Feeling fake in your relationships might be a sign that you are overly needy. People who struggle to feel authentic in their relationships often struggle with rejection if their “true self” shows through to others. Sometimes this can be traced back to previous experiences where they felt like an outsider or felt like they had to be a certain way in order to be accepted.

I often work with people in my therapy practice who are struggling in their adult relationships, either their partner, friendships, or co-workers. They often report that they feel like they can’t be the real them and that they struggle to even know who the real them is. Existential anxiety and fears can drive us to be overly needy. Remember that not everyone is going to like you and that is okay. You can’t be liked by everyone. As a specialist in adults who have gone through childhood trauma, this is often a learned coping strategy. But as an adult, this isn’t helpful. We want to create lives where we attract what feels good and what is good for us and we want to repeal what is not serving us. This is an impart part of the healing journey for many of the therapy clients that I work with.

4. Do You Feel Intense Emotions When the Other Person Says No?

People are going to say no to you. No is not a bad word. But for someone who struggles with excessive neediness, no can feel like a bad word. A no, or someone else communicating a boundary can feel like a deep rejection which can send an overly needy person into an anxiety spiral. I often support people in learning how to make and enforce boundaries plus feeling less defensive when others assert their own boundaries.

In the couples I work with this is often a deep wound, where sexual rejection can immensely hurt a partner. This is something that is very common and I often work with couples to heal this and to learn how to overcome what might be a dysfunctional way of asking for deep attachment needs to be met.

5. Are You Struggling With Communication?

I am a trained EFT therapist or Emotionally Focused Therapist. This is a style of couples therapy (I also use this in my individual therapy work) where I work with clients to unpack and see their dysfunctional way of communicating. We do this in a non-shaming way to understand that we are really doing the best that we can in that moment with the skills that we have. Often these are learned ways of communicating that we obtained from childhood homes where communication was not healthy.

In couples therapy, I support couples in learning a healthier way to communicate their needs and work with them to heal attachment wounds that they might have experienced as children. As a specialist in adults who have gone through childhood trauma, this is something that I support people with nearly every day. We can do a lot of deep healing in healthy relationships and a good couples therapist who is trauma-informed can support you. You do not have to do this on your own.

Neediness an dependency exists on a continuum. We cannot be hyper-independent and expect to be successful and happy. There is a such thing as a healthy level of dependence or neediness.

With Warmth,

Elisa Blair