Wait, Was That Really Trauma?

Trauma is not what happens to you. Trauma is what happens within you due to what happened to you. This is why people have different reactions due to stressful and harmful experiences. This way of viewing trauma keeps outsiders from saying what is and is not traumatic for someone. It is compassionate and avoids shaming.

Trauma is what happens within you due to what happened to you.

As an online therapist treating people in San Diego and all over California, something that really upsets me is when I have a client tell me that someone else told them, that what they went through is not traumatic. Like what? No. If you feel it was traumatic and has left you with wounds then yes it was probably trauma. I think this is a shift that we are seeing more and more in the mental health field, and I love it because this way of viewing trauma helps reduce shame.

Think about how much more damage can be caused when someone, whether it is a loved one, peer, or worse a professional tells you that what you went through wasn’t that bad and that your reactions, as a result, don’t make sense. As a trauma therapist, I work with people unpacking deep traumas that may not look so “bad” to others.

When people think trauma, they think: of war, natural disasters, and abuse. But trauma can be anything that is not nurturing and that impacts you in an adverse way. There is still some uncomfortableness around thinking about it in this way, but slowly I find people being more and more willing to consider just how negatively impacted they or others were by things that may have been previously thought to be “not that big a deal.” As an online trauma therapist treating people in San Diego and all over California, I work to make space for all the traumas, not just the ones people view as “obvious.”

Examples of this healing after a trauma that might not be so “obvious” sometimes called “little t trauma” include:

Being a Child of Divorce or Being Divorced.

When someone goes through a divorce, everyone is impacted. The adults are often struggling with identity issues and feelings of abandonment. The kids are often left feeling like it was their fault because of either explicit statements or because internalize what they are seeing. Kids are ego-centric, meaning that their brains often make the external internal, something that is completely normal from a developmental perspective. Adults of divorced parents are often left struggling and often don’t make the connection until they come to therapy or being their healing journey by means of self-help books, meditation, or journaling.

As a important note, divorce is sometimes the healthiest choices for families. Even then it is a lot to process, something you don’t have to do alone. As an online trauma therapist treating people in San Diego and all over California, reach out and I can help or point you in the right direction.

Frequent moves.

Often one of the first questions we unpack in therapy is going over what it looked like in childhood and this includes if you moved a lot and how that may have impacted you. Families who move often struggle to build community support. It takes time to find your place, and it can be unsettling to kids who find themselves moving often, whether it was due to increasing rents, jobs, or going to or going away from extended family. This can particularly impact a kid's ability to work on skills related to friendships. Sometimes these kids are just always deemed the “outsider” who is often pick on. Feeling like an outsider, or always being the new kid at school can have lasting impacts on a person well into their adult lives. That feeling of not knowing who you are or where you belong is often a common theme that I explore with my therapy clients.

Frequent moves impact kids and the adults, meaning everyone can benefit from process this change. As an adult who moves often, adgjusting, grieving your last home, budling friendships, and figuring out where you fit in can be rough. Remember you don’t have to do this alone.

Having a mental health illness or a learning disorder that wasn’t picked up on.

Examples could be someone who is neurodiverse or someone who struggles with anxiety, and depression. I myself had extreme OCD symptoms (they gave my mom a cream for my raw hands and sent us on our way). I also had struggles with focusing and attention unlike like the other kids did (still do but not as much thanks to my own healing work). Being labeled as a problem child was part of and still is part of my healing work as an adult. So many kids are often deemed difficult due to a lack of awareness, something that we as a society still need to work on. This is something that as I, as a trauma and couples therapist who is a person of color, take very seriously. As an online trauma therapist treating people in San Diego and all over California I am passionate about create awareness.

Often people don’t get their diagnosis until they are adults. And often they are the ones stumbling upon information that resonates with them, finding themselves going to doctors with information they want to be confirmed. This is something worth unpacking and treating in therapy. It can cause lots of thoughts, feelings, and can get messy. This is something you don’t have to do on your own.

So how do you heal from trauma?

Well, my fellow humans, that is a very loaded question. Trauma healing is a journey, one that can feel downright scary and horrible at times. I often think about how it can feel like a complete demo and remodeling, while trying to free up the true essence, spirit, or unburned energy that was there before the trauma.
Three things that you can do to heal your trauma include, journaling, meditation, and therapy.

Journaling can help you understand your mind in a way that promotes awareness. Going back to old entries can help you understand your thought process and how this impacts your mood and behaviors. You can start to pick up on themes. You can notice your areas of strengths and areas where you would like to continue to grow. As a trauma therapist, I highly recommended journals to all my clients. I often have to teach people how to journal, because many of us have expectations and judgments around “proper journal.” I help my clients let expectations go so that they can actually build up the habit of journaling. It can be bullets, pictures, or poems. It is whatever works for you and your mind.

Meditation is another big recommendation I give to all my clients that I work with in therapy. I meditate and I have found this to be one of the hardest practices to start and keep, but I can tell you it is something that has been life-changing for me. Often people think meditating is about clearing your mind and transcending into a dream-like space. I don’t prescribe that. Instead, I work with my clients on developing a non-judgmental practice of showing up for themselves with whatever comes with them. This way of meditating can help deepen a person's awareness of all their parts, without leaving the bad or ugly parts behind. Because the idea is that there are no bad or ugly parts, just parts that are doing the best they can. Parts who are exhausted and are wanting to let go and do things differently. This way of meditating can help you heal trauma.

And therapy, of course, is a wonderful tool to aid you in your healing journey. A good therapist needs to be trauma-informed, and needs to continuously do their own work. A good therapist will be able to create and hold space for you as you explore things that are often so hard to say out loud. A good therapist won’t judge you and will support you as you heal. Therapy can be expensive, and cost-effective options might be looking into a community mental health agency, trainee therapists at school clinics who are working on their degree, or group therapy with peers who are working through similar issues. I highly recommend doing your research, setting up consultations, and finding a therapist you like and trust to promote an effective space for healing. As an online BIPOC trauma and couples therapist treating people in San Diego and all over California, I have certain specialties that I provide as do other therapists. It is all about finding the one that feels best to join you in your healing journey.

I know it is a lot, and that is why healing trauma is more of a journey, and honestly something that is lifelong. Once we start this path there are often more and more layers, and a lot of it isn’t even our own trauma. There is more and more research being done on generational trauma and the science behind it. Often children of parents and grandparents have gone through trauma burdens that can be traced back. Descendants of war, abuse, and violence are living with family members who have “nervous” nervous systems. EMDR Therapy is great for treating this type of traumas. It can impact gene expressions and behaviors. A great place to start if you are interested in learning more is It Didn’t Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle by Mark Wolynn.

Should you put in the effort to heal our trauma? Is it really worth it to heal your trauma? You’ll find yourself more connected to your mind, body, and spirit. You will be able to show up as the person you want to be for yourself and others. Healing your trauma will help you feel like you have a greater sense of purpose and numerous other things related to self-fulfillment. Therapy is great and I urge you to find a therapist you trust. But remember there are other helpful activities including meditating, resting, journaling, and body movement. This isn’t an easy journey to do this healing work, but it is so worth it.

With Warmth,

Elisa Blair