Maybe you are thinking about going to couples therapy or maybe you are in couples therapy and you are wondering what makes ‘good couples therapy.’ Keep reading to learn what makes a successful couples therapy experience, and most of the things can honestly apply to individual therapy and are working on relationship struggles too!

Good couples therapy looks like this:
Having space for both you and your partner to talk
Exploring love languages
Healing relationship injuries and rebuilding trust
Exploring attachment styles
Exploring family of origin and how this impacts you now
Exploring dysfunctional communication patterns
Getting to the root of the issue
Learning a new way to be in a relationship
Future planning and prevention of couples therapy work

Bad couples therapy looks like this:
Only one person speaking or both partners speaking over one another constantly
Only talking about the “crisis of the week” or COWs
Little to no reflection on the “bigger issues”
Not broadening the work in couples therapy to relationships in general
Not owning and taking responsibility for mistakes and hurtful moments

Good couples therapy does not mean a couple will stay together.

Successful couples therapy does not always mean that you will stay with your partner. Many people come to couples therapy with the hope that couples therapy will “fix” their relationship. That couples therapy will save them from divorce. But this is simply not true. I let clients know from the very beginning that couples therapy does not mean their relationship will be saved. We can certainly hope for that and work towards that, but instead, it is better to think that couples therapy is successful when you are able to gain the awareness and healing that you and your partner need. And that might mean that the relationship cannot continue.

I know this can be a letdown for lots of people coming to couples therapy, but if we slow down and unpack this, couples therapy is a beautiful safe space to end a relationship in a healthy way, if that is what is best for the couple. Relationships are hard. And in the process of couples therapy, a couple might realize that this relationship is not serving them. Perhaps they rushed into the relationship, they were repeating childhood trauma in the relationship, or they didn’t really know who they were when they got into the relationship. And if you don’t know who you are, then how could you know what you want in a relationship? Many people can grow together and stay together through the ups and downs in life, but lots of people grow apart.

We all deserve to be in loving and thriving relationships, where we feel supported and understood.

Successful couples therapy is where there is a space for growth and healing.

And this might mean not staying with your partner. Often people have a “wake-up call” in couples therapy, where they start to realize that the relationship is not going to work. That their partner does not want to or is not able to do the work necessary for the relationship to survive, let alone thrive. This is why I consider successful couples therapy to include when a client has a realization that this relationship is not going to work.

Thankfully people are feeling more open to the idea of splitting up or divorce. It is not worth it to stay when you are dying on the inside. Also more people are open to the idea of having an open relationship, where they can get their needs met elsewhere. This is also something that can make for successful couples therapy, where there is space for revisioning your relationship with your partner so that you both can have a relationship that feels really good. These are often hard conversations to have, and I really love being able to support people as they grow and re-envision a relationship that works for them. Life is too short to be in an unfulfilling relationship. Instead lets have relationships where we are loved and there is lots of joy.

Finding a good couples therapist is important.

Not all therapists are great at couples therapy, so it is important to do your research and find a therapist that can help you with the issues you are facing. A therapist who specializes in couples therapy does not specialize in a hundred different things. There is no way you can be really good at a hundred different things.

I specialize in trauma and couples therapy, that’s it. Even more so I specialize in only some trauma work like EMDR and parts work for specific issues like relational trauma and childhood trauma. And with couples, I specialize in couples that had chaotic childhood homes and those who are interracial or of marginalized backgrounds. These are the areas that I do additional training and experience in working with. I am really confident in working in these specific areas. There are plenty of populations and issues where I am not confident in, and I refer out to trusted colleagues. You will not catch me trying to treat someone who has severe OCD or infant mental health, I have in the past when I was gaining hours and figuring out what I wanted to specialize in but not today. Why? Because I don’t want to be a jack of all trades and a master of none.

Find a couples therapist who is trained in couples therapy.
Not all therapists are trained to offer couples therapy. A good couples therapist is someone who has done additional advanced training outside of their general education in counseling school to provide couples therapy. There are evidence-based couples therapies, like the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy, that are both proven by science to help couples succeed in addressing issues and healing their relationship. There are other styles of couples therapy, so please do your research and find a therapist who has done additional training and supervision to be good at providing couples counseling.
A pro tip is to look at a therapist directory profile or website and if they say they can help with a long list of things, odds are they are not very good at all those things. You are probably better off finding a therapist who can help with your specific issues. The only time to see a generalist is if you are struggling with generalist issues. Couples therapy is not a generalist issue and you are better off working with a therapist who specializes in couples therapy.

Breath, couples therapy is hard.

Couples therapy is not easy. It can bring up really uncomfortable things and can feel like things get worse before they get better. It is like individual therapy but instead of looking at one person you are looking at a relationship, which can result in more profound longer lasting change.

Couples therapy is worth it. You will learn about yourself and how you relate to others, which can really be a game changer in your closest relationships. We all deserve to be in healthy and happy relationships. Couples therapy can help!

With Warmth,

Elisa Blair