Emotional labor is a common topic for lots of couples. But what is emotional labor? In a partnership (domestic but also counts for platonic and work) I usually describe emotional labor as the work it takes, often invisible, to run a home and do life with your partner. I promise you, that you are not alone in this and it can be really nice to unpack this with a couples therapist because talking about emotional labor can send couples into heated arguments, with tears, and shutting down. Going to couples therapy gives you a neutral space to work out issues where a couples therapist can give your support and guidance.

Emotional labor can often lead to mood disorders like anxiety and depression. It can also impact the overall satisfaction with the relationship. Being in a marriage or partnership is hard work. Couples therapy can help you and your partner become a stronger team by addressing something like emotional labor.

In this article, I will give a list of common emotional labor tasks that are from clinical experience working with hundreds of couples. Also, from personal experience from watching the fights of others growing up and within my own marriage. By no means is this an extensive list, but I hope it helps paint a picture of what emotional labor is. Also, I will spend some time after the list further unpacking emotional labor and hopefully give you jumping-off points for your next conversation with your partner or couples therapy session. Are you thinking about couples therapy, but are sure? Click here to learn when to go to couples therapy.

19+ types of emotional labor that are common in couples

Planning date night

Remembering appts & planning yearly checkups
Prescription refills
Researching care
Keeping track of house daily maintenance

Taking out the trash when it is full
Vacuuming when you see dog hair tufts
Throwing out expired food

Knowing when to deep clean and declutter
Putting things back in their places
Keeping track of house items that are running low and need to be restocked
Finding help for projects and tasks (plumber, electrician, remodeling..)
Being there for friends and family during emotional times of need
Planning social get-togethers
Keeping track of birthdays, accomplishments, and appreciation gifts
Keeping track of children’s lives

School activities, teacher conversations, and friendships

Daily caring for pets
Pet Grooming & vet appts
Bringing up topics that need to be talked about

Finances, sex & intimacy, and communication issues

Planning vacations
Future planning

House buying plans, baby and child plans, and retirement

Following up and looping back to conversations

Emotional labor is like an internal clock of “It is about time we do this thing.”

One of the things that make emotional labor so heavy and so invisible is that there is an internal clock and a constant checking in with that internal clock. It was the mental load of holding the last time something was done and thinking about when would be a good time to do this thing again. This can apply to nearly everything that is mentioned in the list above. From keeping track of kids’ schedules, knowing when to deep clean, knowing when to go grocery shopping, and even knowing when to reach out to friends and family for social connection.

Sometimes I like to think about how the person in a partnership that is doing more of the emotional labor is really like a manager of the relationship. And being a manager to your partner can lead to resentment. Instead don’t you want a relationship where their is more joy?

Emotional labor is also being mindful of “all the steps” in a task

Most of the things listed in the emotional labor list above require lots of steps. I could have easily made this list of 100s of checkboxes. Let's take reaching out to congratulate someone in your social circle about a job promotion or buying a home. First, you have to keep up with people to even know these updates in their life. Whether that is checking social media, reaching out with texts or phone calls, or conversing with others and asking how that person has been. Then there is the thinking about how you would socially like to respond to this person. And let's say you would like to send a card or a gift. Then you need to go to the store, pick a card, and mail it. Or say yes to a party and plan how to fit that into your schedule. Then there is the archiving of this information should you need it for a future encounter.

If you are the partner that is in charge of this, it can easily become annoying when you feel like your partner just doesn’t put in the effort to keep track of social relationships. Writing their name on the card or going to the event is not enough when compared to all the invisible labor that took place. If this sounds like your relationship, talking about it is a great first step. Remember to highlight how this impacts you and request how you would like the situation addressed. If you find it hard to talk about this with your partner, couples therapy can be a great place to tackle issues of emotional labor. It is one of the things that I often talk with couples about and can really help increase a couple's feelings of trust and connection.

Asking for help counts as emotional labor

I hear this all the time in my therapy practice, “You can ask me and I will do it.” I then hold my breath to see what happens next, 99% of the time a fight breaks out. I let it go for a minute and then I stop the couple. Usually, the rest of the session is spent recovering from this phrase.

Asking for our needs to be met is one thing. Asking for your partner to take out the trash when it is full is another. More often than not the partner who is not taking out the trash has subconsciously stopped keeping track and registering when to do things around the house. Why? Because it gets done; their partner will do it. This leads to other partners feeling underappreciated. Are you wondering if you are too needy or if you are valid in the need you have, click here to read more about how to know if you have a healthy amount of neediness in your partnership.

There's a scene in The Break-Up where Jennifer Aniston's character wants Vince Vaughn’s character to want to do the dishes. It is not really about wanting to do the dishes, because most people don’t want to do the dishes, but it is about stepping up and wanting to do the things you don’t want to do because that is part of being an adult. That is part of being a complete partner to your partner. And that is really what you want, to be a good partner.

It is important to talk about neurodivergent relationships and emotional labor

Some people are better at tasks that require executive function skills than others, making navigating emotional labor tricky sometimes. This is often the case for couples where one or both are neurodivergent. In my experience working with couples where one or both partners are neurodivergent, we can still work towards addressing emotional labor issues. The key is to be curious, kind, and creative. And most importantly to have accountability. Own that you messed up and own your brain. It is okay AND you and your partner can figure it out together as a team. (I speak from personal experience and clinical experience).

Often it is a matter of figuring out what will work for a couple. It is important to not use neurodivergent as a crutch and not to view it this way. It can also help to identify strengths and pick tasks in that way. The important thing is to talk about it and work towards a solution with your partner.

It is important to talk about gender roles and expectations

Most people do not have one partner who is a stay-at-home parent. Most of the couples I work with have both partners in working, yet one partner, usually the female-identified partner is the one caring for most of the emotional labor load, home caring, and children raising. It is like having two full-time jobs. No wonder the woman in the relationship is more likely to reach out for couples therapy!
I often work with interracial couples and we have difficult but necessary conversations about race and culture. This is a specialty area of mine as I have lived experience as a Latina in an interracial partnership with an Asian person. Training plus lived empierce helps me connect with couples in a way that some therapist just can’t. Click here to read more about how I can help with therapy for interracial partnerships in San Diego area and Phoenix metro area (all California and Arizona, online).

Issues around emotional labor and gender roles is something that I also see in the queer partnerships. Most of us have internalized gender roles that are impacting the quality of our relationships, how can we not growing up in our culture that conditions us from such an early age? That is why it is worth a conversation with your partner, so you both can learn and grow a deeper love with one another. I often challenge my couples to talk about hard things like gender roles, cultural roles, and societal roles. This is often uncomfortable at first, but time and time again it is a much appreciated conversation that leads to real change for the couples that I work with.

Even if one partner is able to stay home to raise the kiddos and manage the home, emotional labor cannot solely fall on this partner. Running a home is a job that never ends. It is not like other jobs where you can clock and leave it. Running a home is a constant mental checklist of things checked off and then only more things to be added. That is why it is so important to talk with your partner before resentment starts to sink in. And even if you are finding yourself already in that resentment phase, working with a skilled couples therapist can help!

Tips for talking about emotional labor with your partner

Remember that your partner is probably not doing it to be mean
Say how it bothers you and ask for them to be mindful of watching the home too
Don’t generalize and call them out for character flaws, like that they are lazy
Be clear about how important this is for you to feel supported as a team
Let them know you love them and want to figure this out with them
Be open to feedback (it might look like defensiveness)
Consider reaching out to a couples therapist to work through this with a professional
Why? To prevent it from becoming a bigger issue and to help you and your partner be a more successful couple. This is great for preventive couples therapy and pre-marital couples therapy

The goal with emotional labor is not 50-50

This is a conversation I have all the time with the couples that I work with in my Phoenix therapy couples therapy practice. Rarely in life can we split things down the middle. More often than not one partner gives more in some areas whereas the other partner gives more in other areas. The goal is to find what works, in a way that feels balanced and most importantly is flexible. Flexibility is so important because life has ups and downs and we often have to pivot to make things work. The same is true when deciding to do life with someone when deciding to make a relationship work.

Emotional labor is a common topic for lots of couples. I promise you that you are not alone in this and it can be really nice to unpack this with a couples therapist. Doing so gives you a neutral space to work out issues with a couples therapist. Reach out if you’d like to learn more. I would be happy to help or at least point you in the right direction.

With Warmth,

Elisa Blair