5 Ways a Wounded Inner Child Shapes How You Live Life | San Diego | Online | BIPOC | IFS & EMDR Therapy

Sometimes our brains can’t tell the difference between the past and the present, especially if we went through trauma.

If your inner child often witnessed chaos, was traumatized, or went through stressors that were ego damaging, then you might have an inner child who has wounds. These wounds can have lasting affects well into your adult years. Often people start to notice this once they are raising their own kids, as our own kids will often activate our old wounds. People find themselves struggling with depression, anxiety, and feel like they are on the verge of burnout. Are you wondering if you have an inner child who was wounded?

5 Common Signs That You Have a Wounded Inner Child:

One: You see the world through a negative lens.

Two: You struggle to give and receive love.

Three: You struggle with your money mindset.

Four: You struggle with insecurities and people-pleasing tendencies.

Five: You live life in constant crisis, or at least it really feels like it.

Keep reading and I will explain how these might be signs that you have an inner child who carries wounds and needs to be healed.

One: You See the World Through a Negative Lens.

A wounded inner child, that has experienced great stress or trauma, often struggles to let you see the world from a more balanced perspective. A person with a wounded inner child may find themselves often judgy, negative, and irritable. Often this will make a person more reactive and easily triggered. As a therapist who supports clients with these very issues, online in San Diego, and all over California from San Francisco to Los Angeles, common things I hear my clients saying are either internalizing like “They just don’t like me, I am never able to fit in, something must be wrong with me” or externalizing like “They are so rude and selfish, I don’t get why people are so mean.”

Are you overly judgy or find yourself struggling to see things from a balanced perspective?

People with negative mindsets struggle to see the world from a place of calmness and curiosity. This can impact a person's views on everything. From their work to their relationships to their own self-love and self-worth. So why does this happen? It has to do with the way our brains work when we are developing as children.

Children are naturally selfish, they are egocentric. It is the way that a child’s brain is and a child's brain is not done developing well into their 20s. Children being selfish and egocentric is not something that I want my clients to focus in on as being the root of the issues. Because it isn’t. This is not “bad” behavior, though many parents are often triggered and take the things their kids do, especially teens, as personal attacks. It is something that I often find myself working with my clients on, to shift how they view their children's “misbehaviors” so that they can be the parent they want to be. Calm and confident, where there is mutual respect and a bond of love that exists even on the rough days. I would highly recommend you check out the beautiful work that is being done by Dr. Becky on parenting, her book “Good Inside” is life changing. As marriage and family therapist by training I understand how important it is t look at the whole picture. I support clients 100% online in San Diego, and all over California from San Francisco to Los Angeles

Two: You Struggle to Give and Receive Love.

If our childhood was less than idyllic, (I consider trauma to be anything that is not nurturing) then our inner child gathers wounds. Inner Child Therapy using Internal Family Systems ( IFS) and EMDR therapy can help, and I often blend these two types together for the best results. Many of these wounds impact how we show, give, and even receive love. This is why so many adults who had difficult childhoods find themselves in adult relationships, romantic and friendships, that are abusive, not healthy, or not built on a foundation of true love. Often these relationships are struggling from a push and pull dynamic or anxious and avoidant attachment styles, meaning that arguments happen often and issues rarely get resolved.

If you weren’t taught what love is, and if you weren’t modeled healthy loving relationships, then it makes complete sense that you might struggle with this as an adult. Even my clients who are not in abusive relationships share difficulties with feeling connected to their parents and often struggle with self-love. This is not your fault and it can be healed with therapy and other healing practices. You deserve to have loving, healthy, and secure relationships. This includes friendships, family relationships, and romantic partnerships.

Three: You Struggle With Your Money Mindset.

I just love how more and more people are starting to get curious about their relationship with money. It truly impacts so much of our lives and for those of us who had rough childhoods, money talks can stir some uncomfortable feelings. If you grew up in a home where your family lived paycheck to paycheck, where your parents argued about money, and where you often had to move because the rent was getting too expensive, then you might find yourself struggling with money mindset issues.

What I have noticed as a therapist, is my clients overworking from a place of fear and scarcity, despite having really good jobs. Often they work and work and work and fear resting because it isn’t “productive” and won’t help them get “further” in life. They find themselves living on one end of the spectrum, with extreme emotional spending or extreme restriction. My clients often have similar arguments with their partners that get heated just like the ones they saw growing up. In therapy I often support people in noticing the relationship they have with money, noticing the anxieties it brings up, and to work with these inner parts that often were wounded back in childhood. Once a person can do this, they find it easier to talk about money, make budgets and stick to them. Money is no longer a scary thing and is instead just a part of the way we live life.

Imagin a life where you are not worried about how much you have in your bank account, where you aren’t stressed about the future, where you feel confident and calm when you approach money conversations with yourself and other people. This is often what I support my clients with and I support people 100% online in San Diego, and all over California from San Fransico to Los Angeles. Imagine being able to treat yourself to dinner in Little Italy and being able to feel care free as you explore the shores of La Jolla, all while knowing that you are confident and capable when it comes to handling your finances.

Four: You Struggle with Insecurities and People-Pleasing Tendencies.

“But what if they get mad at me because I say no?”
-something I hear at least once per week

If you struggle with being insecure, anxiety-driven, perfectionistic, or people-pleasing tendencies, then you, my friend, may be struggling with a wounded inner child. These ways of being are often built up in childhood as a means of protecting us. Something common I see is where a client of mine struggles with conflict because they grew up in a home where conflict was unhealthy and often left tension so thick that it felt deeply uncomfortable.

In therapy, I often work with people on addressing their co-dependencies issues and teach them to gain more comfort when others are having big feelings. We work on realizing that everyone is allowed their feelings and that we do not have to rush in a make it all better, especially at the expense of compromising our own boundaries. This is easier said than done, and it is something that is life changing for many.

As a therapist who practices who works closely with recovering people pleasers, online in San Jose, and all over California from San Francisco to Los Angeles, I get how hard it is to set boundaries and keep them. I get that the hardest part is often worrying what the other person things and feel like you are being a bad person for saying boundaries. I often help people reach a point where a no, because they don’t feel like it is a good enough reason and where they don’t feel like they are a bad human being.

Five: You Live Life in Constant Crisis.

This one can be tricky for some people because living in a crisis might not always be so obvious. You might not find yourself in dangerous situations often, or ignore red flags and find yourself in abusive relationships. Instead, it might be more subtle. You might find yourself stressing about whether or not you actually paid that bill. Or did you remember that other thing? Is there just lots of drama in your life? That might be subtle crisis mode liviging. And this definitely can take a toll on a person and lead to burnout.

As counselor who specializing in BIPOC, 1 and 2nd gens, I get how their is often generational trauma at play, and I support people in increase their compassion as they navigate the healing journey. It isn’t east and you don’t have to do this alone. As a therapist who practices this type of therapy, online in San Diego, and all over California from San Francisco to Los Angeles. As a therapist who specalizes in couples, not just individuals, I often see this a reason behind frequent arguments.

If your inner child often witnesses chaos as a child it starts to become your norm, your default, your comfort. So we might “try” to do it differently as adults, but if we aren't intentional, staying curious, and always striving to increase our awareness, we can find ourselves in crisis-type situations that are almost always avoidable. Something that work with my couples on is understanding this, gaining awareness, and learning how to live life differently. I help people take their relationships from constant headaches to thriving sense of security and healthiness.

The 5 Ways a Wounded Inner Child Shapes How You Live Life:

One: You see the world through a negative lens.
Two: You struggle to give and receive love.
Three: You struggle with your money mindset.
Four: You struggle with insecurities and people-pleasing tendencies.
Five: You live life in constant crisis.

Are There Others Signs That I Might Be Struggling with a Wounded Inner Child?

But this does not mean their aren’t other areas affected, these are just some of the more common things that I see as As a therapist who practices this type of therapy, online in San Jose, and all over California from San Francisco to Los Angeles. Imagine a life where you aren’t struggling with self worth and self love and are able to fully be present with family and friends, whether you having dinner in Little Italy or being able to feel care free as you explore the shores of La Jolla. You deserve that life, a life of peace, feeling present, and feeling like you are home. It isn’t easy work and I can support you and even point in the right direction for support. Please don’t hesitate to reach out, because you serve to heal your inner child and live to the fullest.

With Warmth,

Elisa Blair